Baby blues.
These blues have crept into my thoughts over the last few weeks and are continuing to get heavier and heavier on my mind. My heart yearns to carry a baby and go through the process again until the end goals are reached. However, there is a huge fear in my heart, that we will keep trying and what I want will not be had.
My friends are expecting and planning their futures with their upcoming bundles of joy and I want it so bad. I want to experience everything they are and more. I want to buy little onesies and be showered with baby goodies. I want to go shopping for car seats and cribs. I want to redo the rooms in our house to accommodate another life. I want to search for a daycare provider and read all the parenting books known to man. I do not doubt that I will one day but I want it now and now is not our time yet.
I was born to be a mom. It comes so naturally to me to caress and care for a child. To tend to needs and comfort them in times of sorrow. I need to look outside of the box at all the options and accept that if this donor egg process isn't successful, I can still be a mom and maybe that is why it comes so easily for me....because God knows what his plans are for me and my plans may not be the right plans. I'm not trying to be negative, but I need to be realistic. When I stop stressing and not planning, things should hopefully fall into a better place.
With that being said, I still put off myself...in this time of recuperation and rest, I still didn't tend to my body and overall well being. I did the exact opposite. I rebelled. I mistreated my body with gluttonous eating and drinking to drown out my sorrows. I know that this body can not handle a baby until it is in better shape and stronger than ever, both physically and mentally. There is no more excuses for putting off what is required.
This sabbatical is complete. Baby blues need to retreat.
We all have to destress our minds one way or another. I'm sure lots of us do it by consuming things that aren't good fit us. I live your positive outlook keep striving for what you want.
ReplyDeleteK, I read your post several times. I do not know your next steps, but I do know that you are so very hard on yourself. Forgive yourself. You have needed this time in control in an out of control way. Having a baby will be like that too, and I do not doubt that you will get t here. But when you do ... you will find that you can control many things, ... but you can't control that little bundle of beautiful joy. God is preparing you for great things. And yes, ... you have always been meant to be a mom. You will be that someday, I know it. But the time must be right. You must be ready. You and the Mister must be ready. "to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heavens" Trust the creator to guide you there in his time <3 you.
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