30w0d: I don't love you like I used to...

As of last Friday, we are 30 weeks pregnant! So, today that would make us 30w5d. Only 9-10 or so more weeks to go unless this little lady decides to make an appearance earlier. But, we're ready regardless...I'm starting to get a little more uncomfortable. I swear it took me a good 10 minutes just to get my socks on yesterday morning. *OOF I tend to grunt and sigh often when I'm moving around and everything seems to just take more time or make me short of breath. But, I'm still feeling good...just a little funky at times so I just lay low and binge watch Ghost Whisperer when my hubby isn't looking.


We start our "Childbirth Prep" classes tonight -- we're doing the ones that are once a week for 4 weeks. I also visited the doc at 28w5d to take my glucose test and do my first 3rd trimester appointment. I was a little nervous and I think the doc thinks I'm a comedian because of the questions I ask. But, I passed the glucose test with flying colors (thank goodness!) and my appointment went well. He found the baby's heartbeat, 142 bpm; measured my uterus with a tape measure and I was coming in at 29w (right on target!); he also checked my cervix...once that was done, he told me I was "nice and tight." Ha! I felt a little funny, what was I supposed to say? "Thank you?" We go back to the doctor on the 28th and then after that we get bumped down to visiting every 2 weeks instead of every 3.


I keep thinking this is a dream and can't believe how far we have come...I know that's fairly repetitious of me (because I tend to mention it all the time), but honestly it's surreal. The more I think about what we've been through and how far we have come, makes me think deep again and be aware of how thankful I am. I read an article the other day that really made me look at my life and my relationships, particularly the one with my hubby. We've been together now for over 11 years, married for 4...when we first got together, things were so easy. I was healthy and had just kicked cancer's ass for the second time. We were in college, freshman's, starting a new adventure and ready to take on the world. Being in love was so easy, giddy, magical, romantic, fun...I never thought it would ever change. Of course, we went through our ups and downs...had our breaks and came back together. When hubby proposed and we were married, everyone who was anyone gave unsolicited advice about life, marriage, love (and they still do today about making a family, having a baby, etc.). I never took it to heart but did keep some of the suggestions in my back pocket for any potential future needs. It bothered me/us that everyone else thought they were the experts and knew all the right answers, or wrong ones. In this article, there was a couple who was given some "advice." Specifically, they were told the following, "I don't care how much you think you love each other now, just wait. You will look back one day and realize you don't love each other like you used to."


At first glance, you'd think this was absurd, rude...or at least I did. I was like, "What the heck?!" But, I kind of get it -- I get the advice this person/couple told these folks in the article. It was more about the process of marriage, of a relationship and what changes at each stage...from dating, to engagement, to marriage, to children, on and on and on. Life happens...and you don't know what will happen with it. Love changes as life changes...circumstances change, relationships change...you adapt over time. This goes for me and hubby. We never knew we would be going through what we are. We never knew we'd have to deal with infertility, loss, emotional ups and downs. We had to adapt to life's changes and so did our love. I love him not just for his good looks and quirky personality...it's more than that. I love him because he has stuck by my side from the beginning. When I come home from work and want to quit my job because I'm so stressed out, he holds me and helps me build a bridge and realize that life could be so much worse. When I told him we may never be able to have children, he looked me in the eye and said he didn't care because he loves me for me. When we went through the issues of my uterus not working and the doctors not being able to find my eggs/ovaries, he cried with me and let me know that all would be ok. When we had to find an egg donor and go through a genetic matching process, he held my hand and reminded me that this is our child regardless of genes. When we had to just deal with day to day grown up problems...bills, loans, chores...he has always been my rock.


In the past, I wanted to change my hubby's quirky little habits. I wanted him to be more excitable, more outgoing, more communicative. But, now, I look back and realize, I don't need that. I appreciate and am thankful for his cool, calm demeanor. He helps me relax and pulls me down off that ledge before I jump over into crazy town. We balance each other out so perfectly that I want to go back to all those people in college, who said we'd never make it, and tell them they were wrong.


I love my husband just as much as I did when we were married, but the love I have now is deeper, stronger and I love him for different reasons. Reasons that I never would have guessed when we first started dating, when we were engaged, when we were married...I don't love my hubby like I used to, I love him more and never will we ever love each other less.

Infertility: A Thorn in My Side

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9


This post is deep for me...I usually don't go into the dark corners of my brain but at church this past weekend, we spoke of our weaknesses and how God uses these weakness to teach us lessons in order to help us grow and be better people. We were asked to pinpoint our greatest weakness and think about how God can use this weakness to make us better, wiser, deeper and stronger. 2 Corinthians goes so far to say, "I delight in my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. For in our weaknesses and difficulties, God's power will shine through."


I asked myself what technically qualifies as a weakness, because I must have a TON. We tend to try and change our weakness whether they be emotional, physical, relational...we try to hide them from others because we are ashamed and embarrassed. They let us know that a weakness is any limitation that we wish we didn't have and that often times we can do nothing about. Lust, lying, overeating, over drinking, etc. are not weakness...but, physical limitations such as illness, hearing/eyesight issues, etc. are. Age is a limitation. There are relational limitations...spouses aren't supportive, troubled children, etc. There are also emotional limitations such as depression, anxiety, worry, loss of temper, etc. This is just pointing out a few...but, these limitations are what God has allowed for us, for whatever reason (that we probably don't understand...at least I don't).

This resonated with me and all that kept creeping into my mind was cancer and infertility. These are my greatest weaknesses. From a more overall perspective, illness is my greatest weakness. Our culture makes us believe that we have to do things and conquer all odds alone. From the ripe old age of 16, I cried out to the Lord and told Him that I can NOT do cancer on my own. I can not conquer this burden alone and asked him, "WHY ME?" I wished I didn't have my illness and wanted to change it all. I pleaded with God that he would take this illness away from me...it was a "Thorn in my side." But, if God's power shows up best in our weakness, why would God take it away?


With His help, we conquered that battle yet to find another one He had placed in my path. Infertility. Again, a limitation, a weakness that he has allowed in my life that I can not change but wish were different. I again pleaded to Him, asking Him to take this away from me...it was another "Thorn in my side." I continually tell myself that He has a bigger plan for me and that all this is happening for a reason. Recently, I also had a friend tell me that regardless of the outcome given to me in my life, I find a way to get around it and change what people tell me and do what I can, to get what I want.

A weakness can actually turn into a strength and forces you to focus on other areas of your life to make you stronger and better overall. I am a stronger and better person overall because of what I've been through. I wouldn't change anything as I look back at where I was and where I have come. Everything happens for a reason...even if we don't know what that reason is.