Day 14

So, I wrote this before I went to my appointment this morning...

Today is day 14...today, we determine if my uterine lining is cooperating and this belly is ready for a baby. Today is the day. 

This weekend, I met with M for coffee to talk about everything that has happened and how things will go on, now that she's not at the clinic. I'm nervous and somewhat scared but she ensured me that things will be the same, if not better. With that being said, that's literally all I'm nervous and concerned about. I have this odd sense of calm around me...I'm not stressing out, I'm not questioning the process, I'm not worried or scared about what will happen. I'm just ready. (Honestly though, I am a little nervous about these darn PIO shots. Out of everything that could happen, that's what I'm nervous about.) Anyway, I'm just trying to believe that all things happen for a reason, I don't have any doubts that we'll get what we need. I'm trusting the Lord that we are here for this reason, at the right time, and what He says goes. When it works, great....if it doesn't, it's not the right time. But, it is the right time... I just have this odd sense of "this is it."

So, here is an after the appointment update...

We found out that my lining is being some what sluggish or slow at developing. It was only at 5mm today and is not ready to accept a baby at this time. They wanted it to be over 7mm at this visit...The nurse said that she needed to talk to Dr. C to see what his thoughts were and most likely they will put me on estrogen patches to help speed up my lining thickness. I didn't think I was nervous or stressed out at all but I held back my tears and eventually started crying, butt-naked (from the waist down) on the table...I was just so "sure" before I got there that everything was going well but, I guess I got my hopes up.

I also found out this morning that my actual doctor is not even going to be doing our transfer...apparently, they rotate weekly and it's only by chance that our doc would be doing the transfer. If everything ends up going as planned, Dr. K will be doing our transfer and not Dr. C....You'd think they would let someone know this prior to even starting the process. Good Lord. Need any more stress added to the pot?

The nurse did tell me to keep following the timeline and that we just need to give my lining a little kick start. She still drew my circles for my PIO shots on my bum and will be calling this afternoon to touch base about the next steps. But, my heart was slightly deflated because I just want to be a mom and there are so many hurdles to jump over to even get to the point of trying. Then, I had to suck it all up, wipe away my tears and head back to work....lovely. AND I'm getting a cold...sore throat, stuffy head, etc.

But, as I sit here typing (instead of doing my actual job), at church yesterday, they sang the song that I posted once about before and it hit home with me, especially today. I just have to reiterate this for myself and for any of you out there questioning your path and what's to come in your life or what you have gone through this far...

In the process
In the waiting
You're making melodies over me
And your presence
is the promise
For I am a pilgrim on a journey

You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure
So walking on water is just the beginning
Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention
For You are calling me to greater things

Oh
how I love You
how I love You
You have not forsaken me
Oh
How I love You
how I love You
With you is where I want to be

Now, we're getting somewhere...

Well, I have a few updates for you all...

Turns out M resigned from her position at the clinic and is pursuing opportunities in greener pastures. I honestly was heart broken because she has been our rock through this and now I'm nervous that we won't be treated the same or will be treated differently because she's not there. She was very upset when she had to tell me... I could hear so many of her emotions on the phone, sadness, guilt, happiness, anger...I honestly broke down a little bit (and I know she'll read this so, I apologize in advance)...but, I was thinking, "Can't you wait just another 3 weeks??" However, life goes on...we'll be fine. Everything she has lined up for us is set in stone and we'll be taken care of. I was just super bummed. Sounds like things were pretty intense and stressful from an internal perspective, which I get, and I'm happy she has found something new that will satisfy her needs better. I'm trying not to be selfish, but I loved pulling the "M" card :)

Anyways...I'm currently on day 8 of the Estrace. I've been bumped up to two pills a day or 4mg. In a couple days, I start the three pill regiment...morning, noon and night, 6mg a day to build up that lining.

I go into the clinic again on day 14 or August 31st to check my lining thickness and get my permanent marker circles drawn on my bum for my shots :) At this point, they will know if my uterus is on track to get an actual baby in there or if they need to give me more medicine to speed it up. THEN, they are hoping that Friday (Sept 4) will be trigger shot day and eggs will be retrieved on the 6th. CRA-CRAZY. That means, I'm most likely starting my PIO shots NEXT WEEK. AGH. *nervous*

I can't believe we're actually getting somewhere now...seems like we've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting...now, I can look at my little chart and check things off!! (love checking things off the list...Type A personality anyone??!?)

BUT, I did have a little set back this past weekend...(insert story here)...one of my best friend's got married and I was in the wedding. It was so much fun but we ate way too many bad foods and drank way too much liquor and had an AWFUL hangover...so, still, two days after we left their house, I'm still feeling like crap...tired, bloated, my body hates me. I guess that was my "last hoorah!" and now, I'm not going to eat bad and drink anything until I get a baby out of the deal (how many times have I said that?) BUT, for real. This is it. My body is yelling at my internally saying, "STOP FEEDING ME SHIIIIZ! I FEEL AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I'm going to listen this time... I think :) AND, I'm walking and doing yoga...so, watch out!

Baseline

Today is the day. I'm actually starting my medication for our transfer! I honestly can't believe it...I had my baseline ultrasound and blood draw yesterday. Per the RN's, everything looks good to go as far as my lining and where they want my levels to be. So, today I started my Estrace to begin rebuilding my uterine lining so we can get a baby in there!

The thing is though, I honestly don't feel the best... at ALL. My body hurts... and I know the procedure yesterday wasn't invasive and I've done it before. But, it honestly feels like it disrupted my chi and now I'm dealing with the consequences. I'm shedding my current lining and maybe they bothered it a little when they were up in there yesterday because as of yesterday afternoon and today, so far I feel awful...lots of cramping to the point where it just makes my whole body hurt.

But, maybe I'm coming down with something, because I have the chills too...lots of aches and pains. Dumb.

I did call the clinic and they do not think the way I am feeling is related to yesterday...so, just need to get some rest and rebound!

RN Consultation

One week ago, as of yesterday, was our RN Consultation at the clinic to prepare us for what's to come with this process. It still all feels so surreal, like a dream, and while in the dream, you feel so present and so "there" but then you eventually wake up and pinch yourself because it didn't really happen. Then, you sit there and try to force yourself to go back to sleep because the dream was so magnificent and you want to keep going where you left off but you can't because it was fake. I'm sure this feeling is because nothing has really happened on our end (physically) yet and quite frankly, there isn't much that will happen until the actual transfer. I know lots has happened since we started this process, but it sounds like the donor has all the hard stuff ahead of her and we just get to sit back and wait...again.

At the consultation, we went thru the steps but still nothing is set in stone because it's all based on the donor's eggs, my uterus, and the fertilization process. We can't make any plans, we can't go anywhere, we just get a call one day that tells us it is time. This is DRIVING ME NUTS. I keep trying to tell myself that all well be OK and I just need to go with the flow and let things happen the way they are going to happen. But, I'm going crazy. The RN specifically told me I need to now take a "back seat" approach and have to stop trying to control everything...including my husband.

I'm pretty sure this was referenced because during our meeting, we had to practice drawing up my future shot injections and administering them. Apparently, the donor is going to get a trigger shot of HCG which causes her eggs to complete the maturation process. After this shot, the clinic will retrieve her eggs within a 36-46 hour period and then hubby will need to fertilize them. When they tell us that the trigger shot has been given, hubby gets to start giving me my injections of progesterone. Progesterone is basically the "hormone of pregnancy." It's a steroid hormone that plays many roles relating to the development of the fetus...being my hormones are a little kooky, I have to take progesterone until my body recognizes it is prego and then it will start to make it's own (and don't ask me how it does that because I have no clue and don't get it, but hubby does and reassured me my body will "work").

So, other than the "hormone of pregnancy" injections, I stop taking my BC on the 13th...get a visit from Aunt Flow. Then I go in on the 17th to do a baseline ultrasound to gauge my uterine lining. On the 18th, I start my Estrace and after that I go back in on the 31st to see how thick my lining is. By that point, they said we'd have a good feel for my body and how it's reacting...the donor most likely will get the trigger shot around Sept 4th (that's when I would start my Progesterone), eggs are retrieved around the 5th/6th, hubby pumps and dumps on the 7th/8th and transfer is on the 11th-ish.

Funny story. Being I'm in sales and our fiscal year 2016 begins on October 1st, all of our territory reviews begin the second week in September....I have two territories and my first territory review is Monday, September 14th....Ughhhh. I had to talk to my boss and basically tell her that my schedule is "fluid" and until it gets closer to the date, I may or may not be available.

Sooo much going on...

If you want me to...

As I sit here taking in my lovely glass of wine this evening, one that is getting closer to being my last, I am reflecting on my beautiful friends, family and the miracles that have been placed in our lives...I try to explain it all in my head and figure out why things happen the way they do and at the certain date and time that you need them. But, nothing is explainable...everything happens for a reason, out of our control. I honestly still can't believe where I started and how far we have come..it doesn't feel real and I'm not sure when it will actually hit us that this is really happening. 

With my family and all the unthinkable occurrences that happened throughout my childhood and into adulthood, I often questioned, "Why us? Why me? We are good people." My brother's chromosomal disorder, my parent's divorce, my cancer diagnosis and treatment, my mother's breast cancer, just to name a few..."Why so much heartache?" During these tough times, I was taught to give my fears, questions, and doubt to the Lord for He is the only one who knows our paths, our journey and what is meant for our lives. Even during our darkest of times, times at which we think our lives are coming to an end, instead of doubting in the Lord, we trusted and prevailed. 

This life has also blessed us with beautiful friends that we have been able to lean on, support, grow with, cry with, and laugh with throughout the years. I finally have been able to feel somewhat comfortable telling most of them our "true" story and what is going on with our TTC journey - what is actually happening, what our plan is, what we are trying to do. It has felt like a huge rock has been lifted off my back and part of that was mainly because I thought they wouldn't approve or they would feel sorry for us for yet another hardship. But, of course, that was not the case. Nothing but joy, happiness, and excitement have been given and that in itself is a blessing.  

I'm also extremely thankful for my job and my co-workers. Though there have been many of times where I have been at my wits end and have wanted to throw my hands up and just walk out the door, my level head backs me up and pulls me down off the ledge. It reminds me that these stressors shall pass as everything else does and that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. For the past 5 years, I couldn't tell you why I haven't left or what was keeping me at work...but, again, it seems to be unfolding very quickly. My boss is an angel...she has been so receptive of what we are going through and completely supportive of my needs...whether I have to take a longer lunch for an appointment, come in later, or work from home; they are extremely accommodating. 

I honestly am proud and glad of everything we've gone through up to this point. My childhood trials made me grow up quicker. They made me learn that everything happens for a reason and nothing is in our control. I was taught to not take one day for granted and that any of your breaths could be the last, so to go about life living and being thankful for all the little things. This gratitude and joy brought my family closer together, regardless of the past; it brought my husband into my life and now, we're dealing with our own struggles. These new struggles are bringing us closer together... we are getting to know each other on a completely different level. We are growing, struggling, and loving each other so much more than we ever would have. 

The below words are lyrics from a song my mother and I used to harmonize to growing up...I heard it again on the radio the other day and it really spoke to me. It hit a nerve deep down inside my soul and reminded me that although the pathway is broken and unclear, I need to trust that everything will work out the way it is supposed to regardless of what my little mind had planned for me. 

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness if You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley if You want me to

MASS CONFUSION.

Ughhhh. MASS CONFUSION.

So, our big RN Consultation is tomorrow and they sent a packet in the mail with a bunch of information and dates for when certain things need to be completed, specifically the Rx's. Being the crazy, Type A personality that I am, I decided to jump the gun and get everything taken care of so I could bring the prescriptions to the Clinic tomorrow for our consult. I even asked the Donor Coordinator if this was OK and she suggested a few places to call and get quotes for and potentially get my prescrips filled at.

Well, I called and all the places said, "We do not expect faxed prescriptions from patients." So, I said screw it and just brought in my RX's to a pharmacy the clinic suggested and one who also accepted my discount card via Attain. I was all excited to actually be getting somewhere and all the medicine would be bundled together for pickup that night. BUT, then the clinic started emailing me saying, "No, no, no!" "You can get way cheaper options online like where we told you to go." And then I was like, "Yea, no...you didn't tell me to go online, you told me to go here. So I went there." (I didn't even know there was such things as online pharmacies...but, I digress. The clinic basically told me to STOP everything and wait until our consult where things will be much more clear. I wanted to just yell at the computer screen, "PLEASE BE MORE CLEAR and DO NOT PUT NEED DATES ON FORMS IF THEY ARE FALSE." Or, they should've just said/listed somewhere that this is informative ONLY. Please do not do anything until after our consult. CASE CLOSED.

OMG. I was livid. I literally emailed M and complained yet again...she's probably getting so sick of me. Poor lady. I told her I was just venting (because I don't want the donor coordinator to get into trouble) which was true...but, when you're trying to get pregnant and not stress out, THIS DOES HELP!!!!!!!!!! It's just hard when they tell you one thing and then change it. I'm extremely proactive, so I guess this is a downfall of mine because I can't sit and wait...I'm always on the go, go, GO!

But, anyway...the pharmacy is on hold until we know more information. All is fine on that front. But, we got home last night and hubby was furious. He received a bill in the mail for the recessive disease test he took back in June that was $299. He paid with a check at the appointment and they told him it was paid in full. No need to bill insurance, nothing. BUT, we got a bill for the same procedure and it cost MORE. Of course, he's stubborn and was like, "I'm not paying that! I'm not calling. Screw them." So, I had to talk him off the ledge last night and basically made the call to the billing office to figure out what was going on...(and texted M to complain/vent yet again...like I said, POOR WOMAN).

Turns out, our account was charged twice...she said there was a duplicate ticket showing that there were two procedures when there was only one. The lady was very nice and she said "Unfortunately, I can't just say it was an error and take off the charge." But, she was investigating and would most likely be able to cancel once she confirmed with the clinic....

Oh the joy...