Well, it's been a while...lots has happened and I'm not sure how in depth I'll go but wanted to provide those of you who follow this blog an update.
On Labor day weekend, we found out that my lining was continuing to be sluggish however, we moved forward with the egg retrieval and fertilization. Since my lining wasn't cooperating, the plan was to watch the eggs after fertilization and check my lining again on Friday. Regardless, we would need to freeze everything because my body wasn't in line with the timeline. On Friday, I went back in again to get checked....again, no good news. This time there was fluid in my lining and there was still no change. This was more devastating news and I know many of you out there have been through far worse but the roller coaster ride has brought me so much joy and sadness and has taken a huge toll on my heart and body. I had so many questions and so much didn't make sense...I was angry, sad, curious, anxious, upset...you name it.
We also found out that they were only able to retrieve 9 eggs from the donor. Out of the 9 eggs, four fertilized and of those four, three made it to the stage where they could freeze them for future implantation. This isn't the best news and doesn't give us much to work with in the future.
But, after all the news, I've gone into a downward spiral of sadness, depression and questions of what I really want, what choices I have made and what I want in the future. I want a break. My body isn't ready and it may never be ready. I'm not physically or mentally ready or available for this process and just want some time off. This might sound selfish but if there are broken pieces in my life, I can't just put a band-aid over them and move forward by bringing a baby into this world. I need to address everything head on and figure stuff out. I need time to figure out how to love me and then, move on to the next steps of loving another person.
So, that is it for now...I'm not sure when I'll update again. BUT, thanks for checking in and when I know what's to come, I'll let you know.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
Labor Day
Lets go back a day...Yesterday, they had me come back in to check my lining since the donor did her trigger shot on Saturday night. In the hopes that all would be good and we'd move forward, they wanted to double check to ensure the thickness was where they wanted it to be. Well, long story short...it wasn't where it was supposed to be. The nurse said it didn't move at all. Still stuck at 5 mm (like it was on Monday, earlier that week). I was in utter shock and disappointment, asking myself WHAT NOW? It didn't make any sense because they did a blood test too and my estrogen levels were higher and they are supposed to be directly correlated. So, I walked out of the clinic with questions, some I didn't even know I should've asked, and sadness thinking this was it. Everything was over. If my lining wouldn't get to where it needed to be, we couldn't put a baby in there. And at the appointment, no one told me otherwise...but, I didn't ask either. The nurse did tell me that I needed to continue to take my Estrace and patches but to NOT start my PIO shots. She said that Dr. C would call later that day to touch base on a plan.
I kept it together until I got to the car and I just broke down...I bawled, I asked why? I realized how many darn roller coasters, ups and downs, were involved in this crazy process and asked myself if I could keep going, if that was even possible. I have never yet, felt so devastated and I walked away from the appointment angry and sad...just a few emotions to name. I was mad at my body and kept asking why it doesn't want to work right. I honestly shouldn't have gotten my hopes up because usually this is how life goes for me. As time passed, I cried, I tried to sleep, hubby held me while I sobbed, the dogs licked my tears...but then the nurse called for the doctor and told me that they want me to come in again on Friday to get rechecked. Since my estrogen levels rose and the trial I did before got me to where I needed to be, the doctor wasn't giving up hope yet and said I just might need some extra time. She said they were still doing the egg retrieval and hubby would still need to come in for his "sample." BUT, I was still confused...how would this work now? I need to do the PIO shots 6 days before a transfer and they didn't want me to start that but still want me to come in on Friday? I hung up the phone and told myself to "trust the process" but was still so out of it.
So, now I'm frantically searching for natural tips on how to thicken my lining on my own (on top of the estrogen)...I went out and bought more vitamins E and B...I got some of that red raspberry leaf tea and pomegranate juice. I'm going to give it all I got on my own...because they didn't change a thing for me on the prescription side. But, M to the rescue...I called her to vent and ask her to help explain what was going on because I was so bewildered...Even though she doesn't work at the clinic any more, it doesn't take away her experience and technicalities. She literally talked me off the ledge and told me it was crazy to think this was the "END." She said this happens often and it doesn't mean things are done...there are many things they can do to get linings ready and mine is just being stubborn. Being the doctor didn't call himself and they didn't put me on any new meds, they are pretty confident that the lining just needs a little extra time. And if it's not ready, they will freeze the eggs and just do a frozen transfer as soon as my lining is at it's peak. She said this sometimes even works better because your lining is ready and you don't necessarily have the stress of matching cycles, etc. If my lining isn't where it needs to be Friday, they might just start over from scratch and see what happens. BUT, if it grew to where it needed to be before, it will again. This conversation put me at ease...somewhat. It helped me realize that this wasn't the end of the world and they would just tweak the plan as needed until they get to where we need to be. So, I need to have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. What needs to happen doesn't necessarily abide with my timeline and I just need to trust everything will be OK.
Inspirational pep talk coming....(best video ever)
So, on a long holiday weekend, many people out there are probably enjoying time at the lake, out on a boat, picnics in the park with family or catching up on last minute things they want to get done around the house...but, we are making babies. That's somewhat funny to say...it's Labor day and we're making babies today.
I kept it together until I got to the car and I just broke down...I bawled, I asked why? I realized how many darn roller coasters, ups and downs, were involved in this crazy process and asked myself if I could keep going, if that was even possible. I have never yet, felt so devastated and I walked away from the appointment angry and sad...just a few emotions to name. I was mad at my body and kept asking why it doesn't want to work right. I honestly shouldn't have gotten my hopes up because usually this is how life goes for me. As time passed, I cried, I tried to sleep, hubby held me while I sobbed, the dogs licked my tears...but then the nurse called for the doctor and told me that they want me to come in again on Friday to get rechecked. Since my estrogen levels rose and the trial I did before got me to where I needed to be, the doctor wasn't giving up hope yet and said I just might need some extra time. She said they were still doing the egg retrieval and hubby would still need to come in for his "sample." BUT, I was still confused...how would this work now? I need to do the PIO shots 6 days before a transfer and they didn't want me to start that but still want me to come in on Friday? I hung up the phone and told myself to "trust the process" but was still so out of it.
So, now I'm frantically searching for natural tips on how to thicken my lining on my own (on top of the estrogen)...I went out and bought more vitamins E and B...I got some of that red raspberry leaf tea and pomegranate juice. I'm going to give it all I got on my own...because they didn't change a thing for me on the prescription side. But, M to the rescue...I called her to vent and ask her to help explain what was going on because I was so bewildered...Even though she doesn't work at the clinic any more, it doesn't take away her experience and technicalities. She literally talked me off the ledge and told me it was crazy to think this was the "END." She said this happens often and it doesn't mean things are done...there are many things they can do to get linings ready and mine is just being stubborn. Being the doctor didn't call himself and they didn't put me on any new meds, they are pretty confident that the lining just needs a little extra time. And if it's not ready, they will freeze the eggs and just do a frozen transfer as soon as my lining is at it's peak. She said this sometimes even works better because your lining is ready and you don't necessarily have the stress of matching cycles, etc. If my lining isn't where it needs to be Friday, they might just start over from scratch and see what happens. BUT, if it grew to where it needed to be before, it will again. This conversation put me at ease...somewhat. It helped me realize that this wasn't the end of the world and they would just tweak the plan as needed until they get to where we need to be. So, I need to have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. What needs to happen doesn't necessarily abide with my timeline and I just need to trust everything will be OK.
Inspirational pep talk coming....(best video ever)
So, on a long holiday weekend, many people out there are probably enjoying time at the lake, out on a boat, picnics in the park with family or catching up on last minute things they want to get done around the house...but, we are making babies. That's somewhat funny to say...it's Labor day and we're making babies today.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
So...Can I take back my last post??
Well...Can I take back the post I wrote this morning? As I was at Target shopping away my frustration, I received a call from the clinic...surprisingly.
Of course, I back tracked and asked if I was doing something wrong or dropping the ball because I had called so much yesterday and today. But, it's what the packet said to do...so I just did it. She assured me all was fine and they were actually planning to call regardless because the donor is actually going to do her trigger shot today! She is triggering TODAY!! Hypothetically speaking and what history normally says with the clinic, that when the donor does her trigger, the transfer is seven days from that date!
They want me to come in tomorrow morning to do another ultra sound to check the lining...hopefully, the extra patches have helped and we are where we need to be. Egg retrieval is scheduled for MONDAY. Hubby is scheduled to go in that day and do his duty and then we wait!!!
I'll know more tomorrow...please say a prayer and keep your fingers and toes crossed that my lining is ready!
Day 19
It's day 19 and I'm very frustrated. This seems to be a recurring theme throughout this whole process. In my little booklet and per the nurses, I was supposed to call in on day 18 between 2 and 3PM to get an update and touch base. However, when I did that (on a Friday before Labor Day weekend), I got voicemail after voicemail, even though the clinic was open. I left messages and then sent my coordinator an email to find out she's on PTO until Tuesday...which is just lovely. I proceeded to call back to the clinic in the hopes to ask for someone else and found out that it was closed. Again, lovely.
So, we're going into a long holiday weekend not knowing what is happening. The coordinator did tell me earlier in the week that our donor was looking to get her trigger shot on the 6th instead of the 4th...so, if that is the case, that means it is tomorrow and apparently, I'm supposed to be doing stuff aka PIO shots once she gets her shot but I'm a little confused about how it'll all go down, let alone nervous about the shots.
M suggested that I call the clinic early this morning to talk to someone about the status being they are required to have someone onsite all the time to deal with these things. You can't control the human body and regardless of whether or not it's the weekend or a holiday, baby making happens all the time. So, I called the clinic and someone answered the phone and immediately put me on hold..."That you for calling, please hold" -- I sat on hold for over 5 minutes and finally decided to hang up and call back 10 minutes later. Same thing happened, this time I was only on hold for a few minutes and the lady came on asking me what I needed. I tried to explain to her who I was looking for, that I had left messages the day prior and everyone is on vacation. She then asked me if I was on the donor list and looking for an update and I said NO, we're in the PROCESS and need to know what is going on and what we need to do because they told me to call and NO ONE IS AROUND. After a while of trying to explain this to the lady, I started to ask why no one would be there when this is extremely crucial information and times for people who are going through this and she assured me that there were nurses there to help with this process. I asked her if my donor does her trigger shot tomorrow, who is going to call me and let us know? Who is going to tell us what to do next because it's the weekend and to top it off, a holiday. She took down all my information and said someone would call me back....but, that was 2 hours ago, no one has called me back and it says the clinic is closed now. LOVELY.
I'm just overwhelmed. My husband doesn't get it because he doesn't understand the specifics of how everything is intertwined. So, I just sit here and blog vent because I'm not sure what else to do...with something so serious, I don't understand why people blow it off or don't care as much as they should. Maybe I'm over reacting but I just want an update. I keep telling myself to trust the process and to believe that this is the "best" place to be and everything will be fine. But, with all the junk that keeps happening and the lack of communication, I'm not sure it is.
So, we're going into a long holiday weekend not knowing what is happening. The coordinator did tell me earlier in the week that our donor was looking to get her trigger shot on the 6th instead of the 4th...so, if that is the case, that means it is tomorrow and apparently, I'm supposed to be doing stuff aka PIO shots once she gets her shot but I'm a little confused about how it'll all go down, let alone nervous about the shots.
M suggested that I call the clinic early this morning to talk to someone about the status being they are required to have someone onsite all the time to deal with these things. You can't control the human body and regardless of whether or not it's the weekend or a holiday, baby making happens all the time. So, I called the clinic and someone answered the phone and immediately put me on hold..."That you for calling, please hold" -- I sat on hold for over 5 minutes and finally decided to hang up and call back 10 minutes later. Same thing happened, this time I was only on hold for a few minutes and the lady came on asking me what I needed. I tried to explain to her who I was looking for, that I had left messages the day prior and everyone is on vacation. She then asked me if I was on the donor list and looking for an update and I said NO, we're in the PROCESS and need to know what is going on and what we need to do because they told me to call and NO ONE IS AROUND. After a while of trying to explain this to the lady, I started to ask why no one would be there when this is extremely crucial information and times for people who are going through this and she assured me that there were nurses there to help with this process. I asked her if my donor does her trigger shot tomorrow, who is going to call me and let us know? Who is going to tell us what to do next because it's the weekend and to top it off, a holiday. She took down all my information and said someone would call me back....but, that was 2 hours ago, no one has called me back and it says the clinic is closed now. LOVELY.
I'm just overwhelmed. My husband doesn't get it because he doesn't understand the specifics of how everything is intertwined. So, I just sit here and blog vent because I'm not sure what else to do...with something so serious, I don't understand why people blow it off or don't care as much as they should. Maybe I'm over reacting but I just want an update. I keep telling myself to trust the process and to believe that this is the "best" place to be and everything will be fine. But, with all the junk that keeps happening and the lack of communication, I'm not sure it is.
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