THE CALL.

I was out and about today during my lunch break running errands without a care in the world. It was about 1:00PM and I deliberately turned down lunch options with co-workers to run some errands and be alone. I was on my way to Target when the phone rang, around 1:10PM, as I pulled into the parking lot...the number that popped up on my phone put me in a dead halt. It was the clinic. Since I spoke with them a week or so ago, I didn't really expect them to call again being we didn't have or need any additional details...all the tests were done, they had everything they needed. So, my heart started to race and beat out of my chest...I almost didn't answer and let it go straight to voicemail. Then I thought, "It's probably M just calling because her cell wasn't working and she had to talk to me about something." But, then I thought that was stupid because she's never ever called me from the clinic. So, I picked up the phone and said, "Hello." I knew it was going to be the donor coordinator...I knew this was going to be THE CALL. There was no other reason for it. I had a feeling deep down in my bones. This was it.

I was right. It was the donor coordinator. She was calling to tell me she had a match. They had a match for me and my baby. I honestly didn't know how I was going to react and have thought about this exact situation many times in the past. But, I never knew how it would go...I just kept playing out different options in my head. I felt like I was on a 9-1-1 call and being the emotional basket case that I am, I automatically FREAKED OUT. At first I just sat on the phone, stunned...no words would come out of my mouth. It was so "Homer Simpson style...Doh!!!!!!!". She literally asked me if I was still there and to answer her. I explained my shock and disbelief that this was really happening upon which I kept getting more overwhelmed, excited, scared, happy, nervous, anxious....all at the same time. I began to hyperventilate and then got teary...I literally bit my tongue and told myself to "HOLD IT TOGETHER"...but, this is something I've been waiting for since I was a child. My dream of becoming a mother was within reach, fingertips away. She calmly tried to talk me off the ledge...reminding me that all I had to do right now was listen. When I finally calmed my breathing down, she proceeded with reading me the donor profile. Piece by piece, attribute by attribute, education, activities, family history, genealogy...everything you could think of.

After this, she explained to me the next steps...she would email me the details and I would have one week to talk, think, determine if this was the donor we wanted to go with. Hubby and I would need to get back to her by Monday with an answer. One WEEK. If we said "No" or didn't get back to her by then, the donor would go back into the pool and we'd be back on the list.  Again, I was in shock. How could we make this huge of a decision in a week?? Do we nit pick everything? Do we say YES or NO even if the details are exactly what we want? Do we just say YES and go for it? Also, how the heck are we going to pay for this???? I mean, we haven't done anything because we never thought we'd get to this point...we thought we had more time. Good Lord.

I hung up the phone after we were through and that's when the real water works started. The people in the Target parking lot probably thought I was a crazy woman sitting in my car crying...oh wait, I am :) I mean, the NOT PRETTY Crying...the snotting on myself, hyperventilating crying...the "OMG. I don't want anyone to see me" Crying where my face is all puffy and my mascara is running down my cheeks. The "OH CRAP, I have to go back to work looking like this" crying. GOOD LORD. AND THEN, I had to call Hubby because I couldn't keep it together through the rest of my work day without telling him.

So, I called him. I probably should've calmed down first before dialing...before he answered the phone at work. He probably should've ignored my call. Then I proceeded to word vomit while crying on him to the point of him saying (in his "I'm so serious engineer voice"), "Can you please settle down? Are you OK? I can't understand a word you are saying." I told him about the call from the clinic. About them finding a matched donor (as I kept hyperventilating). He was basically silent. Stunned I'm sure. Didn't say much so of course I took it personally and started to say, "Please don't be mad..." Then he proceeded to say, "We can talk about this tonight when you get home." That was that. Did I mention I was a crazy basket case? Because, I started texting him..."Are you mad?" "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would happen this soon." He then let me know that he didn't understand why I was sobbing and why I was acting like someone was dead when this should be a good thing...good informational updates. He also reminded me that he was at work and couldn't have an in depth conversation about this right now.

Good Lord. What a day. My contacts are glued to my eyes because I've cried so hard this afternoon. I'm trying to work but all I can do is blog. And now I have to go home to have this chat with Hubby and I'm sure I'll be like, "YES! Lets do this. This is the one." and he'll be like, "Hmmm...maybe there is something better." Oh the drama...but, finally some AWESOME news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sex for Pizza?

I have come to an all time low....as of last night, I have bribed my husband with sex if we can order pizza. Ridiculous. Over the last 40+ days, I've been doing so well with my eating and losing weight (down 10lbs and keeping on!) But, over the weekend I off-roaded BIG time to the point of sickness....we were at the lake and all I wanted to do was eat, eat, EAT. I totally have a gluttonous relationship with any type of food, primarily SALT and BREAD. I think I might be a binge-er.

Honestly, the lake is our getaway and for some reason, I can't get a handle on being "Good" there. We ate Doritos with Jalapeno Cheddar dip, cheesy hash browns, cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting, margaritas, Bloody Mary's, Bloody Beer, Gardetto's, pretzels, fried fish, cookies, etc...you name it, we ate it. Of course, I feel like part of this is because I knew, come Monday, I had to get back on the "healthy train" and lose some more weight because **sarcasm** "that's what the DOCTOR said if I wanted to get this baby in my uterus." So, BINGE BINGE BINGE because my life is coming to a halt and all of my social activities are going down the tube once I can't drink and eat any more. DUMB, I know. But, still. This is how it's been my whole life...it's a mind set I can't get over.

BUT, last night was a WHOLE different story....my husband is a huge supporter of me and my goals. AND last night, I wanted Pizza so bad that I basically bribed him with whoopie just to get my way and make him change his mind! In order to get what I wanted, I had to make sure it was worth it to him! RIDICULOUS. I can't believe it...


But, who wouldn't say no to this....

**drooling** Sex? Pizza? Both? OK!

5 months.

We're officially into month five of waiting, of going through the motions, of taking hormones and trying to lose weight. Are you getting sick of me telling you we're still waiting? I sure am...We've been on the donor list for five months now, when they initially told us it would take 3-4 months for them to find a donor and get the process started.

When we first met with the Clinic and Dr. C, they said 8-10 months..so when we actually got on the list and they told us 3-4 months, we were psyched (well, I was)! Yea...so far, they were wrong. Apparently, with these new required tests, the whole process has been slowed down...every single donor had to get re-tested, re-screened and when the results are in, they get put back into the data base...so, of course, this slows down the process. Also, because we know someone, we get the insider scoop...sounds like the donor egg coordinators are short handed. Someone just retired and they hired a new person that quit...so there is technically only one person dealing with all of the donors, all of the recipients, all of the male partners, etc. No wonder why we don't hear anything...I guess every business, regardless of if you're a clinic/hospital, retail store or bank...they all go through the ebbs and flows of turnover and internal politics.

On a side note...I've been having the weirdest cravings ever. I mean weird. AND I'm not even pregnant yet...good Lord. I literally woke up the other day wanting Oreos dunked in peanut butter. I NEVER EAT OREOS or PEANUT BUTTER. All I want to do is eat the peanut butter right out of the jar. Dip my pointer finger in, swipe the sides and plunge the creamy butter into my mouth over and over again. Gross. I know, especially if others are eating it too...but, that's all I want. I also want to warm it up and then drip it off the spoon into my mouth. How odd??



OMG. I'm totally going to go get the jar right now....goodness.

Tough Stuff.

Stuff is tough. Life is tough. Living is tough. Being happy is tough. Being sad is tough. Being angry is tough. Being in love is tough. Being lonely is tough. Being scared is tough. But, yesterday I found out another thing that was really tough...Something that never really crossed my mind yet. 

A while back, a friend from high school found out she was pregnant. Now, I'm not super close with this person but keep in touch via Facebook and see her every once and a while when I go back to my hometown. Just last week, she was posting pictures of her super cute baby bump. Her and her husband, have had ultrasounds, have commented on the baby's movement and the growth from week to week. Everyone was so happy and exited...this was last week, at week 16.  Yesterday, her and her husband delivered their baby at 17 weeks. He was a baby boy...8 inches long and 5 ounces in weight but didn't make it through the night. They posted a picture online last night and it broke my heart. I instantly started to cry and couldn't stop the flow of tears. 

Never once did it cross my mind that this could happen and I'm not sure why...there are so many risks to all things. Regardless of how you get pregnant and what's going on in your life, you never know what is going to happen. There are risks to everything at anytime. Anything could happen. 

This poor, newly married couple was so excited that they were pregnant and expanding their family and then CRASH, their world fell apart. 4+ months into their pregnancy, CRASH all the walls came tumbling down. I can't imagine knowing you're pregnant...the excitement, the anticipation...and then it's gone. It's sad. It's broken. I don't know what it'd do....especially if I knew I didn't have issues. I guess now, knowing that we do have issues...there are more risks, and we anticipate them versus see them as surprises. I hope we never had to deal with a situation like this and I truly empathize with anyone who has had to deal with these awful situations....I know that there is a Plan and we have to have faith that all things will be the way they are meant to be. 

My heart goes out.

Two Calls in One Day...I guess it does help to complain?

Well, yesterday I ranted on about no communication from the clinic on what's going on or results for tests, etc. Turns out that after all my complaining and questioning and emails, we get calls from everyone today!

The donor coordinator reached out to me this afternoon via telephone...I got a little nervous because I wasn't expecting a phone call, since I emailed her yesterday. I sometimes wonder to myself, what am I going to do when they call and tell us they have a donor? Am I going to be excited? Scared? Happy? Sad? How am I going to react? Will I scream? Will I cry? Will I just be stunned and silent in shock? Who knows...but, my stomach had butterflies or sunk a little like when you ride on a rollercoaster when I saw the call come in even though I knew it wasn't for that...yet.

She basically called to "check in" and let me know that Hubby's results are back and that Dr. C reached out to him today to touch base. She explained to me that with this new federally required test, all the donors in the pool had to get rescreened. So, now that hubby has his test done and results, she can start to match us up with donors who have their test done and the results back. She did say we were very high on the list and she is very hopeful to soon be able to call us with a match. She said this new test has really put a delay on everything but it's good to have and a great step to take to insure the offspring are healthy.

I did call hubby and ask if Dr. C called him...he said yes but basically it was the same information we received from M yesterday. He down plays everything...so I'm just letting it be because it's not worth it for me to freak out if he's not worried. They did suggest talking to a genetic counselor again, but of course Hubby is stubborn and is "cool with the results." So, here we are again...we were overloaded with communication from the clinic today (with basically no new news) and are still waiting...but, at least I understand why now.

Just waiting....waiting....waiting....

Not so Awesome News....

Well, of course, we've been waiting for over a week now to get any feedback and/or communication from the clinic on hubby's last blood test. Ya know, the one they sprung on us for another $300, out of no where, due to "new federal regulations" and the test that of course hubby was pissed about and stalled to get done. Finally, he gets it done on a Sunday morning and that was that. No one told him what to expect or what to do...no one told him when they would call or when the results would be back. They did try to charge him more than the initial letter asked, too...but, he stood strong and name dropped in order to hold them accountable to the original price...he also came back with a nasty bruise on his arm...noticeable enough that at the lake this past weekend, his mom, who is radiologist technician asked what the heck happened (because, you know, she does blood work and punctures all day everyday and he has the BEST veins so she didn't understand why someone would have ANY trouble!). But anyways, I finally reached out to M this afternoon and pulled another WTF?! 

Honestly, I keep saying this, but if we didn't know someone, I'm not sure how I would manage going through this process (with my Type A personality)... I ask M stuff all the time...Why this? When that? Where that? Who this? We haven't had the best phlebotomists out there (the people that draw blood) and I've made her aware; we haven't had the best communication out there and I've made her aware...I keep reminding her that they should probably be fixing things up for other patients because if they are treating and dealing with your step daughter once removed like this, just imagine how it's going with others who do not know someone. But, anyways, she reassured us that things will get better and unfortunately, it's a waiting game right now...so there isn't much to update being we're done with all of our testing and just playing it cool for the time being. 

So, I reached out to her today and asked when we should expect someone to reach out to us with Hubby's results...she explained to me that he needed to go online to some website where they post the results (of course, he should've gotten some sort of hand out and detailed explanation on the procedure, but he didn't -- or at least he didn't share those details with me. But he was clueless, too). Then based on the outcome, reach out to someone to walk through the details....Um...OK??! GOOD GOD. Really? Has this whole world turned into a cyber crazed social media stink bomb?? Can't someone pick up the damn phone and call someone? I mean, it's not like we aren't going through some super high stress issues (*Insert sarcasm here* yea right) and now you're going to test us for recessive gene disorders and you want me to find out for myself online? Ummmm...NO. 

After I freaked out a bit, we set up the account and logged in. We paired all the details, got the results sent over and without a care in the world, thinking that everything would be fine (because hubby is perfect)....there was the outcome = POSITIVE. 

So, this test, if you go back a couple posts I tried to explain it -- basically, there are new protocols with donor egg programs and they now require all male partners to be screened for recessive diseases to be sure that the egg donor and the male partner do not share any recessive mutations that would cause significant issues in offspring. (this is a long post, I know)

Hubby tested positive as a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. Are you wondering what this actually means? Because while I was at work and received these results, I FRICKEN FLIPPED OUT. I mean, I jump to the worst conclusion....I mean the worst one out there...sometimes my dyed blonde hair gets the best of me. I basically told myself that hubby was going to die and we wouldn't be able to have babies anymore. Dumb. I know....so, I took a breather and started Googling (of course) then called M. She explained to me what it meant and that we have nothing to worry about on this end...apparently, any donor going through the process at our clinic is also screened (hence why the male partner needed to be screened) and they actually "throw out" any donor applicants that test positive for CF. Phew....we're safe. BUT, she did note that we would probably want to let Hubby's brothers and family know of the positive outcome because being this is genetic, they most likely (99.999%) also carry this gene and would want to know if they are planning to having a family in the future. The only other thing, is that when we have a baby, the gene will be passed along and we will need to make the child aware in the future for the same reasons as why we would want to tell his brothers and family. 

So, I freaked out and Hubby (the engineer that he is) gave me a whole science/biology lesson on the detailed analysis of genetics and explained to me the science behind everything and how he wasn't concerned. He's very good at making me back down from the ledge :) He even drew a diagram explaining the situation...basically, in order for offspring to inherit the genetic mutation, there needs to be two carriers and then it's based off of a percentage (1 out of 110), etc. This is literally what he drew: 



Again, this is me looking too deep into situations and scenarios....but, this freaks me out. Figuring out recessive genetic mutations and defects, being able to screen for this and that to insure that nothing "hurts" your chances of success. I honestly feel like we're testing fate....but then I ask myself if this opportunity is being given to us to help save our future child. I mean, when you think about it...to have a normal baby, the normal man on woman way...it is honestly a miracle. A MIRACLE. So many bits and pieces and genes and specifics and ovulation cycles, sperm-y swimmers have to be perfect, lined up 110%...this is just to get pregnant. Then so many other things have to be perfect in order to get a healthy baby out of the deal. This is nuts to me. It's like crazy overload in my brain...makes me wonder how this can happen so often to random crazies who don't even want it. Again, it's a great great great thing for those who want a family and who get the opportunity for the stars to align and your perfect little family to appear. But, it's nuts. I can't believe it happens. And then to think that there is no screening, there is no foreseeing of the possible issues that may come along the line in the future (this is super scary, too!)...so, we should be thankful that we know the details we do and can benefit from it. 

So, long story short...YES. My perfect husband is a carrier of Cystic Fibrosis (I don't even want to know all the genetic issues I have!). But, it won't affect us and the baby because any donor applicant that is tested positive for the mutation is booted and no longer a viable candidate. We just need to make immediate family and any offspring aware of the details. 

Ok...too much science for me...heading to bed :)

****ALSO, I emailed the donor coordinator tonight to see if she could give us any other darn updates...we'll see what she says. 

Stay Tuned for Something AWESOME

If you're following this blog, you know we're in the stages of waiting for a baby...while also trying to get my husband to finish his testing and lose 20lbs off my gorgeous arsss... that being said, hubby went in on Sunday morning to get his blood test. So, check that one off the list! Of course I asked him how it went and he was like, "It was just a blood test...you've had a million of them." **Rolling my eyes** I told him I understood that it was JUST A BLOOD test but did anything cool happen? Did you get stuck in the parking garage? Did you see any cool bike riders on the street? I mean, COME ON. But, it's done. SO, there is literally nothing more for us to do. Nothing.

That being said, 30 or so days ago I embarked on a new challenge...I started the Whole30 program to help me get more balanced and lose some weight (even though that is not it's focus). They basically have you cut out all gluten, grains, dairy, liquor (yea, I know! CRAZY.), soy and added sugar. Sounds pretty tough, right? Well it was and it really kicked my ass in the beginning. I was having withdrawals, headaches, etc. But, I made it through and this is what happened....on Day 31, I had to step on the scale and take my measurements. With anticipation, I did but before I reminded myself of the non-scale victories...I'm less bloated and inflamed, no more abdominal discomfort or cramping; I'm more even tempered and have a better mood overall, no more headaches; I'm sleeping better, my clothes are fitting better and I'm more comfortable in my own skin!

While these non-scale victories are great, the numbers are as follows...I'm down almost 10 pounds and I have lost a total of 14.25" overall. Specifically, 9 inches between my waist/abdomen/buttocks! WOW - Success. After this amazing accomplishment, I went out and bought myself an anchor necklace representing STRENGTH and not letting yourself SINK regardless of the situation or the trials you have to deal with on a daily basis. 

I have never once given myself the chance to do something, commit to something, and actually DO it before. I have always fallen short or given up on myself and I'm happy and proud to say that I didn't do that this time. I finished. 

Although the weight loss was good, it's not yet where the doctors want me to be or where they suggested I be for an embryo transfer. So, I'm going to keep going and continue doing what I"ve been doing to get the results I want to see. Hopefully, within the next month or two, I'll be where I need to be and will have a "better" update.

Stay tuned....

"Get out of church FREE card?"

So, I was right. Remember my post a week or so back noting we were informed of another test my husband had to get? Well, I have been pushing and prodding and begging and fighting and convincing and communicating and bartering and coordinating and being just plan pissed...but, WE HAVE SCHEDULED HIS APPOINTMENT. He has come to terms with the additional help of myself and M and we have got the appointment scheduled. That little punk.

I was right because of course, I had to do all the hard work...I had to figure out the times they could do the test, the earliest he could come in, the latest he could come in. I had to determine "do we wait?" or do I push, and push, and push to get this scheduled. I had to talk to M (because it's good to know "someone") and she had to coordinate with the clinic because of course my husband wasn't going to go in if he had to take PTO. He wasn't going to tell his boss what was up. He wasn't going to deal with this when they (per Hubby) "should've just stored my blood from the last time and used that." He's so medically inept. THEY CAN'T JUST STORE EVERYONE'S BLOOD FOR FUTURE USE....Do you realize they do blood tests every 10 minutes and if they stored everyone's blood it would be an anomaly? What a dork. But, anyway....M was able to get the clinic to accommodate our schedule and hubby is going in on Sunday morning. YES. SUNDAY MORNING. His appointment is on Sunday morning at 9AM.

Happy Sunday, Hubby -- Here is your GET OUT OF CHURCH for FREEEE Card. Punk.

It's All About Who You Know...

Do you ever look back in life and wonder how you got to where you are? What did you have to overcome? Where you had to go to get to this point? What you had to do? I frequently think about this because everything in my life, well a lot of it, has happened because someone has helped me or because I knew someone who knew someone who knew someone. With my battle with cancer, we got into the world renowned clinic because my dad knew someone. With my bone marrow transplant, we got on the list and had a donor because we knew someone. With college, I got in because we knew someone (I mean, who would hire a cancer ridden child who hasn't attended high school for 2 years?) With my jobs after college, I was hired because I knew someone....The same goes for all this infertility stuff we're going through. The only reason we have gotten to where we are is because we know someone. The only reason we got into the Fertility Clinic is because we know someone. The only reason we got an appointment with Dr. C is because we know someone. The only reason we get discounts on procedures and meds is because we know someone (without which we wouldn't be going here because it's insanely expensive). The only reason we get "special" treatment is because we know someone.  

This is uncanny to me.

You need to know people to get anywhere in life. I honestly thank my lucky stars every day for where we were, where we have come, and where we will go...because without these "someone's" we'd be stuck, lost, or dead...perhaps?

Anyways...what I'm getting to is that I had a conversation with M recently. She actually called me because she wanted to tell me something but was very leery about giving too much information. Keep in mind...M works at the clinic, she is my step mother once removed and our "someone." Apparently, the other day at the clinic, she had to help with a few of the donor interviews because one of the coordinators that normally does this was out of the office. A specific person  came in to finish up her last round of screening to becoming a donor. She passed all the exams, tests, procedures with flying colors and M just had to give her the "OK" that she was in the system and on the list to help people like myself have a family to call their own. She explained to me the scenario and what happened...(I'm not sure what it was like there...but...) I pictured a white room with four white walls and gray linoleum floors...in the middle of the room was a black folding table with two black chairs, one at either end. The lady was sitting in one of the chairs with her smile and paperwork. M walked into the room and gasped, she was floored, stunned, and surprised. M explained to me that she sat down with this woman in awe. This woman was me. She looked like me, she looked like my aunt, she looked like my mom. She had my mannerisms, my charm, my spunk. She had my smile...bone structure...hair color. M told me she felt like she was in the room not with this lady, but with me. She said that she could barely keep her composure but knew she had to because this was her role...because the person who normally handled these matters was out, she had to take care of it because she was the boss. She was the nurse at that moment and not the step mother.

Now, we have an agreement in place that M can not see any of my records and is not supposed to access them. The doctors, nurses, techs, etc. can not tell her details, ask her questions, etc. about any of my treatment or statuses on anything. But, she swore to me that her heart told her this was our donor...this was our egg. She was being screened specifically for us, for me...for our baby. Unfortunately, we don't know if this is accurate or not. But, we are 4 months into the "process of waiting" and they told us it would take approximately 3-4 months to find the "ONE."

Now, you'd think I would be excited. I would be beaming and happy and smiling and thankful. But, I was honestly scared. I got weepy. Not from happiness but from worry...it put in perspective how close this really could be. How we could be pregnant within months. How we could be parents in months. How we weren't ready. How bad of shape our house was in, our dogs, our life...things are a mess. How could we bring a baby into this world with this chaos? PLUS, I didn't want M knowing who my donor was....too close to home.

But then, I was thankful...I was glad to have perspective. Most people going through this stuff don't know "someone." They are lost in the dark. They just standby waiting for something to happen. They can't call the Nurse Manager and be like "WTF?!?! Why haven't they called me? What is the status on this? When do we have to do that?" So, I'm thankful.

But, I'm scared....are we ready?