Well, since then as you all know, we're stressing out and trying to figure out details and financing, etc. She literally told me I had CRAZY BRAIN and reassured me that my body was ready and that I have come so far from where I was when we first chatted and met. She reminded me that I need to be proud of the changes I've made and the commitments I have to being healthier and becoming more balanced. Then she said to BREATHE and starting putting "points" in my HEAD! I've never had acupuncture points or needles in my head! It was so crazy -- usually, she puts the points all over my feet, ankles, shins, wrists, right above my nose and sternum. But, NOT MY HEAD. It was weird and I could totally tell I was tense and stressed...usually the points don't hurt but last night I could feel everything, every one that went in, every prick.
When I'm all "pointed" up, I basically get to lay down and meditate for 30-40 minutes, alone in a dark room with soothing music on. It's very relaxing and peaceful and I really look forward to it every week. But, this week was different. I had so much going through my mind, I couldn't "shut it off." She was right, I totally had CRAZY BRAIN...the thoughts and feelings came rushing through my body. Of course, they were of the future, the baby, my family... you name it, it was in my head. I'm a worry wart and put the cart way before the horse all the time and now, I'm doing it again.
Ms. N basically told me what was going to happen with her and what her role will be in our transfer process (once we make a decision). She also has a lot of knowledge of what they will have me do in preparation for the transfer being she works with the clinic and of course, that freaked me out. I'm afraid of the shots. Apparently, I'll need to get or give myself shots for weeks before and after the transfer. A subcutaneous (just under the skin) shot in the belly and a big old muscle shot in the rear. You'd think after everything I've been through, this would be a piece of cake...I mean, I was hospitalized for 2 years and beat Cancer's ass twice...this is chump change. NOT! When I was in the hospital, I found out all the LOVELY things they could do for people so they don't have to feel ANY sort of pain and NOW, I'm a BIG FAT BABY.
You wanna stick this in your bum???
But, really, on a more serious note...I'm really nervous about my family specifically my dad, his parents/my paternal grandparents, and my aunt/his sister. We grew up strict Catholics...so many specifics, rules, and guidelines were pounded into your head. Don't get me wrong, this culture formed my views, my routines, and my relationship with a higher power but I also had my mother's point of view guiding me towards a different relationship a more personal one revolving around music, love and laughter. Throughout my whole life, I felt like there was a slight judgement in actions being made whether it was dating a boy, taking birth control, or even thinking about "getting help" for pregnancy. Everyone was so close minded and black and white. When I got sick, went through treatment and returned home, I recall very clearly my Graduation party at my Grandparents home. All of our friends and family attended even our priest...he came up to me and basically told me I was going to go to Hell if I didn't repent because I haven't been to church in two years (due to my cancer battle). My grandmother was so appalled, she literally kicked him out of the house and that's when I drifted far, far away from Catholicism. I don't mean to get into the religious side of things but you might have gotten the hint that I'm a very passionate/spiritual person...Everything happens for a reason and you never know when you'll take your last breathe...so live each day as if it's your last. I'm accepting of all human beings knowing that everyone has good inside of them regardless of their color, race, sexuality, past history...you name it. My God loves and accepts everyone and that's that. Anyway, I'm scared. I don't want to tell my dad, my grandparents, my aunt anything about what's going on. I don't want to tell anyone unless they are in our Circle of Trust.
I don't want to hear their harsh words, I don't want to see their stares of judgement, I do not, NOT want them to be a part of our future child's life...and if that means not telling them the super specifics, we won't. With what they believe, or what I think they believe, I'm sure they will think we're going to Hell or that we'll have a devil child that is condemned. AND I might be completely blowing this out of proportion (because I actually haven't ever talked to anyone about our options and how they would feel about it) but based on how I was raised, I feel like it would be an issue....
So, I bet you're thinking..."What are you going to say if they ask you HOW you got pregnant?" Can I literally give them the big, fat FINGER and say none of your business? Nope...guess I'm going to have to have a script ready of, "Well, we decided to get a second opinion at a fertility clinic and they actually helped us...and BOOM, here we are...baby."
OK, so I might be being a little harsh....but, this is a constant fear in my CRAZY BRAIN. I want to be normal. I don't want to have to explain everything to people and hear their crazy, stupid opinions on IVF/Donor Eggs/Infertility. When people don't know details, what you're going through or the truth behind anything, they have no right to judge, give advice or ask you personal questions they don't deserve the answers to. AND it shouldn't matter, AT ALL. It should not matter how we got pregnant, it should not matter if this baby is biologically mine, it should not matter because NO MATTER WHAT, I am the mother and hubby is the father. I'm going to carry this child inside of my body for 9 months and feed/nourish it with my blood, then I'm going to go through a delivery like any other normal person would do and pop out a baby.
To end my rant, I know I'm not the "normal" person but I'm trying to get as close as possible to that as possible. So, don't judge. Don't ask. Don't ponder. Be happy. Be thankful. Be congratulatory. Like any other "normal" person who gets pregnant and has a child, be supportive. You never know what people are going through and how they got to where they are. Be kind. Give love and be thankful for all you have and everything you've overcome to get this far in your life.
Ok first, awesome on doing acupuncture. I wish I had done that but I was so overwhelmed with everything else we had going on. Second, look on my blog on pages and you'll see pio tips and tricks. I hope some of those can help. I'll tell you I've done... I don't even know how many shots but that very first pio, trusting my husband who's never done a shot in his life, I was sweating bullets. Like internally panicking but needing to remain appearing confident so I wouldn't freak him out. And it wasn't bad at all. So know you'll totally be terrified of those first few... But it gets better. I promise :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, we have some Catholics in our friends and family and... Yeah I get it. You need to tell who you want and only what you want them to know. Ivf, especially with DE gets some people all hot and bothered and you need to keep that control. But it also sucks, that feeling that people disapprove of what you did. It's even worse when a baby results from it because you feel so incredibly protective and want to rip people's faces off for judging your child. Ugh.
*hugs* I'm glad you're doing acupuncture. It's been a godsend for me and I can tell the diff when I don't do it.
ReplyDeleteEverything you are feeling and thinking is normal. You've come such a long way with everything you've been through. I know the next stage is scary, but once you're holding and meeting your baby, nothing else will matter. I know women who've used DE and their babies are theirs and loved and no one else's. And the judgement sucks. Unfortunately it's a part of life. You will be judged by others during pregnancy and for parenting choices you do or do not make. It's like why can't people just live and let live, but I dunno.
You are doing the right thing for you and your family. One step at a time. Hang in there! I think now that you're getting closer to the transfer, the fears are flaring up. It's gonna be okay.
I wish there were "like" buttons on here! Thank you for all the support and kind words...sending hugs to you all!
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