Baby Blues

Baby blues.

These blues have crept into my thoughts over the last few weeks and are continuing to get heavier and heavier on my mind. My heart yearns to carry a baby and go through the process again until the end goals are reached. However, there is a huge fear in my heart, that we will keep trying and what I want will not be had.

My friends are expecting and planning their futures with their upcoming bundles of joy and I want it so bad. I want to experience everything they are and more. I want to buy little onesies and be showered with baby goodies. I want to go shopping for car seats and cribs. I want to redo the rooms in our house to accommodate another life. I want to search for a daycare provider and read all the parenting books known to man. I do not doubt that I will one day but I want it now and now is not our time yet.

I was born to be a mom. It comes so naturally to me to caress and care for a child. To tend to needs and comfort them in times of sorrow. I need to look outside of the box at all the options and accept that if this donor egg process isn't successful, I can still be a mom and maybe that is why it comes so easily for me....because God knows what his plans are for me and my plans may not be the right plans. I'm not trying to be negative, but I need to be realistic. When I stop stressing and not planning, things should hopefully fall into a better place.

With that being said, I still put off myself...in this time of recuperation and rest, I still didn't tend to my body and overall well being. I did the exact opposite. I rebelled. I mistreated my body with gluttonous eating and drinking to drown out my sorrows. I know that this body can not handle a baby until it is in better shape and stronger than ever, both physically and mentally. There is no more excuses for putting off what is required.

This sabbatical is complete. Baby blues need to retreat.

Sabbatical.

Sabbatical or a sabbatical (from Latin: sabbaticus, from Greek: sabbatikos (σαββατικός), from Hebrew: shabbat (שבת) (i.e., Sabbath), literally a "ceasing") is a rest from work, or a break, often lasting from two months to a year. (per Wikipedia)

This is where we are. 

I was told to touch base with the doctor after I had a "bleed." Well, lovely Aunt Flow never showed up...so I reached out to the clinic last week regarding this and wondering why it didn't happen. They said based on my circumstances, I may not even have a visit from the lovely Auntie. They told me that the doctor is wanting to change things up and "Prime" my uterus for a few months before gauging the thickness of the lining again. He wanted to start us on more medicine Oct 1st and then take a 2-3 months to get the uterus ready and check the lining again. With a frozen transfer, you have more lenience on when you can do the actual transfer and Dr. C was more than optimistic that this would work. However, per my last post, I've been in a funk...a downward spiral of craziness and a barrel of other emotions that need to be dealt with. 

As you know, all things, including SH*T, hit the fan and it brought to the surface many other issues in my life that are unorganized and that are in need of fixing. So, we checked with the clinic regarding our ATTAIN program and how much time we have to complete the process along with any constraints that might interfere if we were to take a slight break to re-group and get in better, ready status. The clinic came back and let us know that we basically have 36-months to complete the program and as long as we stay on track and follow the doctor's recommendations in that time frame, there should be no issue if we take a break to relax and recoup. 

So, I am currently resting from work and taking a break...a sabbatical. I'm going to focus on my body and mind and take a break from meds until the first of the year. We have a couple trips planned and we're going to enjoy life for the time being with no worries. Hopefully, this will help me with the craziness and will prepare me to go through this again. 
  

Update.

Well, it's been a while...lots has happened and I'm not sure how in depth I'll go but wanted to provide those of you who follow this blog an update. 

On Labor day weekend, we found out that my lining was continuing to be sluggish however, we moved forward with the egg retrieval and fertilization. Since my lining wasn't cooperating, the plan was to watch the eggs after fertilization and check my lining again on Friday. Regardless, we would need to freeze everything because my body wasn't in line with the timeline. On Friday, I went back in again to get checked....again, no good news. This time there was fluid in my lining and there was still no change. This was more devastating news and I know many of you out there have been through far worse but the roller coaster ride has brought me so much joy and sadness and has taken a huge toll on my heart and body. I had so many questions and so much didn't make sense...I was angry, sad, curious, anxious, upset...you name it. 

We also found out that they were only able to retrieve 9 eggs from the donor. Out of the 9 eggs, four fertilized and of those four, three made it to the stage where they could freeze them for future implantation. This isn't the best news and doesn't give us much to work with in the future. 

But, after all the news, I've gone into a downward spiral of sadness, depression and questions of what I really want, what choices I have made and what I want in the future. I want a break. My body isn't ready and it may never be ready. I'm not physically or mentally ready or available for this process and just want some time off. This might sound selfish but if there are broken pieces in my life, I can't just put a band-aid over them and move forward by bringing a baby into this world. I need to address everything head on and figure stuff out. I need time to figure out how to love me and then, move on to the next steps of loving another person.

So, that is it for now...I'm not sure when I'll update again. BUT, thanks for checking in and when I know what's to come, I'll let you know.

Labor Day

Lets go back a day...Yesterday, they had me come back in to check my lining since the donor did her trigger shot on Saturday night. In the hopes that all would be good and we'd move forward, they wanted to double check to ensure the thickness was where they wanted it to be. Well, long story short...it wasn't where it was supposed to be. The nurse said it didn't move at all. Still stuck at 5 mm (like it was on Monday, earlier that week). I was in utter shock and disappointment, asking myself WHAT NOW? It didn't make any sense because they did a blood test too and my estrogen levels were higher and they are supposed to be directly correlated. So, I walked out of the clinic with questions, some I didn't even know I should've asked, and sadness thinking this was it. Everything was over. If my lining wouldn't get to where it needed to be, we couldn't put a baby in there. And at the appointment, no one told me otherwise...but, I didn't ask either. The nurse did tell me that I needed to continue to take my Estrace and patches but to NOT start my PIO shots. She said that Dr. C would call later that day to touch base on a plan. 

I kept it together until I got to the car and I just broke down...I bawled, I asked why? I realized how many darn roller coasters, ups and downs, were involved in this crazy process and asked myself if I could keep going, if that was even possible. I have never yet, felt so devastated and I walked away from the appointment angry and sad...just a few emotions to name. I was mad at my body and kept asking why it doesn't want to work right. I honestly shouldn't have gotten my hopes up because usually this is how life goes for me. As time passed, I cried, I tried to sleep, hubby held me while I sobbed, the dogs licked my tears...but then the nurse called for the doctor and told me that they want me to come in again on Friday to get rechecked. Since my estrogen levels rose and the trial I did before got me to where I needed to be, the doctor wasn't giving up hope yet and said I just might need some extra time. She said they were still doing the egg retrieval and hubby would still need to come in for his "sample." BUT, I was still confused...how would this work now? I need to do the PIO shots 6 days before a transfer and they didn't want me to start that but still want me to come in on Friday? I hung up the phone and told myself to "trust the process" but was still so out of it. 

So, now I'm frantically searching for natural tips on how to thicken my lining on my own (on top of the estrogen)...I went out and bought more vitamins E and B...I got some of that red raspberry leaf tea and pomegranate juice. I'm going to give it all I got on my own...because they didn't change a thing for me on the prescription side. But, M to the rescue...I called her to vent and ask her to help explain what was going on because I was so bewildered...Even though she doesn't work at the clinic any more, it doesn't take away her experience and technicalities. She literally talked me off the ledge and told me it was crazy to think this was the "END." She said this happens often and it doesn't mean things are done...there are many things they can do to get linings ready and mine is just being stubborn. Being the doctor didn't call himself and they didn't put me on any new meds, they are pretty confident that the lining just needs a little extra time. And if it's not ready, they will freeze the eggs and just do a frozen transfer as soon as my lining is at it's peak. She said this sometimes even works better because your lining is ready and you don't necessarily have the stress of matching cycles, etc. If my lining isn't where it needs to be Friday, they might just start over from scratch and see what happens. BUT, if it grew to where it needed to be before, it will again. This conversation put me at ease...somewhat. It helped me realize that this wasn't the end of the world and they would just tweak the plan as needed until they get to where we need to be. So, I need to have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. What needs to happen doesn't necessarily abide with my timeline and I just need to trust everything will be OK. 

Inspirational pep talk coming....(best video ever)

So, on a long holiday weekend, many people out there are probably enjoying time at the lake, out on a boat, picnics in the park with family or catching up on last minute things they want to get done around the house...but, we are making babies. That's somewhat funny to say...it's Labor day and we're making babies today. 

So...Can I take back my last post??

Well...Can I take back the post I wrote this morning? As I was at Target shopping away my frustration, I received a call from the clinic...surprisingly.

Of course, I back tracked and asked if I was doing something wrong or dropping the ball because I had called so much yesterday and today. But, it's what the packet said to do...so I just did it. She assured me all was fine and they were actually planning to call regardless because the donor is actually going to do her trigger shot today! She is triggering TODAY!! Hypothetically speaking and what history normally says with the clinic, that when the donor does her trigger, the transfer is seven days from that date!

They want me to come in tomorrow morning to do another ultra sound to check the lining...hopefully, the extra patches have helped and we are where we need to be. Egg retrieval is scheduled for MONDAY. Hubby is scheduled to go in that day and do his duty and then we wait!!!

I'll know more tomorrow...please say a prayer and keep your fingers and toes crossed that my lining is ready!

Day 19

It's day 19 and I'm very frustrated. This seems to be a recurring theme throughout this whole process. In my little booklet and per the nurses, I was supposed to call in on day 18 between 2 and 3PM to get an update and touch base. However, when I did that (on a Friday before Labor Day weekend), I got voicemail after voicemail, even though the clinic was open. I left messages and then sent my coordinator an email to find out she's on PTO until Tuesday...which is just lovely. I proceeded to call back to the clinic in the hopes to ask for someone else and found out that it was closed. Again, lovely.

So, we're going into a long holiday weekend not knowing what is happening. The coordinator did tell me earlier in the week that our donor was looking to get her trigger shot on the 6th instead of the 4th...so, if that is the case, that means it is tomorrow and apparently, I'm supposed to be doing stuff aka PIO shots once she gets her shot but I'm a little confused about how it'll all go down, let alone nervous about the shots.  

M suggested that I call the clinic early this morning to talk to someone about the status being they are required to have someone onsite all the time to deal with these things. You can't control the human body and regardless of whether or not it's the weekend or a holiday, baby making happens all the time. So, I called the clinic and someone answered the phone and immediately put me on hold..."That you for calling, please hold" -- I sat on hold for over 5 minutes and finally decided to hang up and call back 10 minutes later. Same thing happened, this time I was only on hold for a few minutes and the lady came on asking me what I needed. I tried to explain to her who I was looking for, that I had left messages the day prior and everyone is on vacation. She then asked me if I was on the donor list and looking for an update and I said NO, we're in the PROCESS and need to know what is going on and what we need to do because they told me to call and NO ONE IS AROUND. After a while of trying to explain this to the lady, I started to ask why no one would be there when this is extremely crucial information and times for people who are going through this and she assured me that there were nurses there to help with this process. I asked her if my donor does her trigger shot tomorrow, who is going to call me and let us know? Who is going to tell us what to do next because it's the weekend and to top it off, a holiday. She took down all my information and said someone would call me back....but, that was 2 hours ago, no one has called me back and it says the clinic is closed now. LOVELY. 

I'm just overwhelmed. My husband doesn't get it because he doesn't understand the specifics of how everything is intertwined. So, I just sit here and blog vent because I'm not sure what else to do...with something so serious, I don't understand why people blow it off or don't care as much as they should. Maybe I'm over reacting but I just want an update. I keep telling myself to trust the process and to believe that this is the "best" place to be and everything will be fine. But, with all the junk that keeps happening and the lack of communication, I'm not sure it is.

Day 14

So, I wrote this before I went to my appointment this morning...

Today is day 14...today, we determine if my uterine lining is cooperating and this belly is ready for a baby. Today is the day. 

This weekend, I met with M for coffee to talk about everything that has happened and how things will go on, now that she's not at the clinic. I'm nervous and somewhat scared but she ensured me that things will be the same, if not better. With that being said, that's literally all I'm nervous and concerned about. I have this odd sense of calm around me...I'm not stressing out, I'm not questioning the process, I'm not worried or scared about what will happen. I'm just ready. (Honestly though, I am a little nervous about these darn PIO shots. Out of everything that could happen, that's what I'm nervous about.) Anyway, I'm just trying to believe that all things happen for a reason, I don't have any doubts that we'll get what we need. I'm trusting the Lord that we are here for this reason, at the right time, and what He says goes. When it works, great....if it doesn't, it's not the right time. But, it is the right time... I just have this odd sense of "this is it."

So, here is an after the appointment update...

We found out that my lining is being some what sluggish or slow at developing. It was only at 5mm today and is not ready to accept a baby at this time. They wanted it to be over 7mm at this visit...The nurse said that she needed to talk to Dr. C to see what his thoughts were and most likely they will put me on estrogen patches to help speed up my lining thickness. I didn't think I was nervous or stressed out at all but I held back my tears and eventually started crying, butt-naked (from the waist down) on the table...I was just so "sure" before I got there that everything was going well but, I guess I got my hopes up.

I also found out this morning that my actual doctor is not even going to be doing our transfer...apparently, they rotate weekly and it's only by chance that our doc would be doing the transfer. If everything ends up going as planned, Dr. K will be doing our transfer and not Dr. C....You'd think they would let someone know this prior to even starting the process. Good Lord. Need any more stress added to the pot?

The nurse did tell me to keep following the timeline and that we just need to give my lining a little kick start. She still drew my circles for my PIO shots on my bum and will be calling this afternoon to touch base about the next steps. But, my heart was slightly deflated because I just want to be a mom and there are so many hurdles to jump over to even get to the point of trying. Then, I had to suck it all up, wipe away my tears and head back to work....lovely. AND I'm getting a cold...sore throat, stuffy head, etc.

But, as I sit here typing (instead of doing my actual job), at church yesterday, they sang the song that I posted once about before and it hit home with me, especially today. I just have to reiterate this for myself and for any of you out there questioning your path and what's to come in your life or what you have gone through this far...

In the process
In the waiting
You're making melodies over me
And your presence
is the promise
For I am a pilgrim on a journey

You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure
So walking on water is just the beginning
Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention
For You are calling me to greater things

Oh
how I love You
how I love You
You have not forsaken me
Oh
How I love You
how I love You
With you is where I want to be

Now, we're getting somewhere...

Well, I have a few updates for you all...

Turns out M resigned from her position at the clinic and is pursuing opportunities in greener pastures. I honestly was heart broken because she has been our rock through this and now I'm nervous that we won't be treated the same or will be treated differently because she's not there. She was very upset when she had to tell me... I could hear so many of her emotions on the phone, sadness, guilt, happiness, anger...I honestly broke down a little bit (and I know she'll read this so, I apologize in advance)...but, I was thinking, "Can't you wait just another 3 weeks??" However, life goes on...we'll be fine. Everything she has lined up for us is set in stone and we'll be taken care of. I was just super bummed. Sounds like things were pretty intense and stressful from an internal perspective, which I get, and I'm happy she has found something new that will satisfy her needs better. I'm trying not to be selfish, but I loved pulling the "M" card :)

Anyways...I'm currently on day 8 of the Estrace. I've been bumped up to two pills a day or 4mg. In a couple days, I start the three pill regiment...morning, noon and night, 6mg a day to build up that lining.

I go into the clinic again on day 14 or August 31st to check my lining thickness and get my permanent marker circles drawn on my bum for my shots :) At this point, they will know if my uterus is on track to get an actual baby in there or if they need to give me more medicine to speed it up. THEN, they are hoping that Friday (Sept 4) will be trigger shot day and eggs will be retrieved on the 6th. CRA-CRAZY. That means, I'm most likely starting my PIO shots NEXT WEEK. AGH. *nervous*

I can't believe we're actually getting somewhere now...seems like we've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting...now, I can look at my little chart and check things off!! (love checking things off the list...Type A personality anyone??!?)

BUT, I did have a little set back this past weekend...(insert story here)...one of my best friend's got married and I was in the wedding. It was so much fun but we ate way too many bad foods and drank way too much liquor and had an AWFUL hangover...so, still, two days after we left their house, I'm still feeling like crap...tired, bloated, my body hates me. I guess that was my "last hoorah!" and now, I'm not going to eat bad and drink anything until I get a baby out of the deal (how many times have I said that?) BUT, for real. This is it. My body is yelling at my internally saying, "STOP FEEDING ME SHIIIIZ! I FEEL AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I'm going to listen this time... I think :) AND, I'm walking and doing yoga...so, watch out!

Baseline

Today is the day. I'm actually starting my medication for our transfer! I honestly can't believe it...I had my baseline ultrasound and blood draw yesterday. Per the RN's, everything looks good to go as far as my lining and where they want my levels to be. So, today I started my Estrace to begin rebuilding my uterine lining so we can get a baby in there!

The thing is though, I honestly don't feel the best... at ALL. My body hurts... and I know the procedure yesterday wasn't invasive and I've done it before. But, it honestly feels like it disrupted my chi and now I'm dealing with the consequences. I'm shedding my current lining and maybe they bothered it a little when they were up in there yesterday because as of yesterday afternoon and today, so far I feel awful...lots of cramping to the point where it just makes my whole body hurt.

But, maybe I'm coming down with something, because I have the chills too...lots of aches and pains. Dumb.

I did call the clinic and they do not think the way I am feeling is related to yesterday...so, just need to get some rest and rebound!

RN Consultation

One week ago, as of yesterday, was our RN Consultation at the clinic to prepare us for what's to come with this process. It still all feels so surreal, like a dream, and while in the dream, you feel so present and so "there" but then you eventually wake up and pinch yourself because it didn't really happen. Then, you sit there and try to force yourself to go back to sleep because the dream was so magnificent and you want to keep going where you left off but you can't because it was fake. I'm sure this feeling is because nothing has really happened on our end (physically) yet and quite frankly, there isn't much that will happen until the actual transfer. I know lots has happened since we started this process, but it sounds like the donor has all the hard stuff ahead of her and we just get to sit back and wait...again.

At the consultation, we went thru the steps but still nothing is set in stone because it's all based on the donor's eggs, my uterus, and the fertilization process. We can't make any plans, we can't go anywhere, we just get a call one day that tells us it is time. This is DRIVING ME NUTS. I keep trying to tell myself that all well be OK and I just need to go with the flow and let things happen the way they are going to happen. But, I'm going crazy. The RN specifically told me I need to now take a "back seat" approach and have to stop trying to control everything...including my husband.

I'm pretty sure this was referenced because during our meeting, we had to practice drawing up my future shot injections and administering them. Apparently, the donor is going to get a trigger shot of HCG which causes her eggs to complete the maturation process. After this shot, the clinic will retrieve her eggs within a 36-46 hour period and then hubby will need to fertilize them. When they tell us that the trigger shot has been given, hubby gets to start giving me my injections of progesterone. Progesterone is basically the "hormone of pregnancy." It's a steroid hormone that plays many roles relating to the development of the fetus...being my hormones are a little kooky, I have to take progesterone until my body recognizes it is prego and then it will start to make it's own (and don't ask me how it does that because I have no clue and don't get it, but hubby does and reassured me my body will "work").

So, other than the "hormone of pregnancy" injections, I stop taking my BC on the 13th...get a visit from Aunt Flow. Then I go in on the 17th to do a baseline ultrasound to gauge my uterine lining. On the 18th, I start my Estrace and after that I go back in on the 31st to see how thick my lining is. By that point, they said we'd have a good feel for my body and how it's reacting...the donor most likely will get the trigger shot around Sept 4th (that's when I would start my Progesterone), eggs are retrieved around the 5th/6th, hubby pumps and dumps on the 7th/8th and transfer is on the 11th-ish.

Funny story. Being I'm in sales and our fiscal year 2016 begins on October 1st, all of our territory reviews begin the second week in September....I have two territories and my first territory review is Monday, September 14th....Ughhhh. I had to talk to my boss and basically tell her that my schedule is "fluid" and until it gets closer to the date, I may or may not be available.

Sooo much going on...

If you want me to...

As I sit here taking in my lovely glass of wine this evening, one that is getting closer to being my last, I am reflecting on my beautiful friends, family and the miracles that have been placed in our lives...I try to explain it all in my head and figure out why things happen the way they do and at the certain date and time that you need them. But, nothing is explainable...everything happens for a reason, out of our control. I honestly still can't believe where I started and how far we have come..it doesn't feel real and I'm not sure when it will actually hit us that this is really happening. 

With my family and all the unthinkable occurrences that happened throughout my childhood and into adulthood, I often questioned, "Why us? Why me? We are good people." My brother's chromosomal disorder, my parent's divorce, my cancer diagnosis and treatment, my mother's breast cancer, just to name a few..."Why so much heartache?" During these tough times, I was taught to give my fears, questions, and doubt to the Lord for He is the only one who knows our paths, our journey and what is meant for our lives. Even during our darkest of times, times at which we think our lives are coming to an end, instead of doubting in the Lord, we trusted and prevailed. 

This life has also blessed us with beautiful friends that we have been able to lean on, support, grow with, cry with, and laugh with throughout the years. I finally have been able to feel somewhat comfortable telling most of them our "true" story and what is going on with our TTC journey - what is actually happening, what our plan is, what we are trying to do. It has felt like a huge rock has been lifted off my back and part of that was mainly because I thought they wouldn't approve or they would feel sorry for us for yet another hardship. But, of course, that was not the case. Nothing but joy, happiness, and excitement have been given and that in itself is a blessing.  

I'm also extremely thankful for my job and my co-workers. Though there have been many of times where I have been at my wits end and have wanted to throw my hands up and just walk out the door, my level head backs me up and pulls me down off the ledge. It reminds me that these stressors shall pass as everything else does and that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. For the past 5 years, I couldn't tell you why I haven't left or what was keeping me at work...but, again, it seems to be unfolding very quickly. My boss is an angel...she has been so receptive of what we are going through and completely supportive of my needs...whether I have to take a longer lunch for an appointment, come in later, or work from home; they are extremely accommodating. 

I honestly am proud and glad of everything we've gone through up to this point. My childhood trials made me grow up quicker. They made me learn that everything happens for a reason and nothing is in our control. I was taught to not take one day for granted and that any of your breaths could be the last, so to go about life living and being thankful for all the little things. This gratitude and joy brought my family closer together, regardless of the past; it brought my husband into my life and now, we're dealing with our own struggles. These new struggles are bringing us closer together... we are getting to know each other on a completely different level. We are growing, struggling, and loving each other so much more than we ever would have. 

The below words are lyrics from a song my mother and I used to harmonize to growing up...I heard it again on the radio the other day and it really spoke to me. It hit a nerve deep down inside my soul and reminded me that although the pathway is broken and unclear, I need to trust that everything will work out the way it is supposed to regardless of what my little mind had planned for me. 

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness if You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley if You want me to

MASS CONFUSION.

Ughhhh. MASS CONFUSION.

So, our big RN Consultation is tomorrow and they sent a packet in the mail with a bunch of information and dates for when certain things need to be completed, specifically the Rx's. Being the crazy, Type A personality that I am, I decided to jump the gun and get everything taken care of so I could bring the prescriptions to the Clinic tomorrow for our consult. I even asked the Donor Coordinator if this was OK and she suggested a few places to call and get quotes for and potentially get my prescrips filled at.

Well, I called and all the places said, "We do not expect faxed prescriptions from patients." So, I said screw it and just brought in my RX's to a pharmacy the clinic suggested and one who also accepted my discount card via Attain. I was all excited to actually be getting somewhere and all the medicine would be bundled together for pickup that night. BUT, then the clinic started emailing me saying, "No, no, no!" "You can get way cheaper options online like where we told you to go." And then I was like, "Yea, no...you didn't tell me to go online, you told me to go here. So I went there." (I didn't even know there was such things as online pharmacies...but, I digress. The clinic basically told me to STOP everything and wait until our consult where things will be much more clear. I wanted to just yell at the computer screen, "PLEASE BE MORE CLEAR and DO NOT PUT NEED DATES ON FORMS IF THEY ARE FALSE." Or, they should've just said/listed somewhere that this is informative ONLY. Please do not do anything until after our consult. CASE CLOSED.

OMG. I was livid. I literally emailed M and complained yet again...she's probably getting so sick of me. Poor lady. I told her I was just venting (because I don't want the donor coordinator to get into trouble) which was true...but, when you're trying to get pregnant and not stress out, THIS DOES HELP!!!!!!!!!! It's just hard when they tell you one thing and then change it. I'm extremely proactive, so I guess this is a downfall of mine because I can't sit and wait...I'm always on the go, go, GO!

But, anyway...the pharmacy is on hold until we know more information. All is fine on that front. But, we got home last night and hubby was furious. He received a bill in the mail for the recessive disease test he took back in June that was $299. He paid with a check at the appointment and they told him it was paid in full. No need to bill insurance, nothing. BUT, we got a bill for the same procedure and it cost MORE. Of course, he's stubborn and was like, "I'm not paying that! I'm not calling. Screw them." So, I had to talk him off the ledge last night and basically made the call to the billing office to figure out what was going on...(and texted M to complain/vent yet again...like I said, POOR WOMAN).

Turns out, our account was charged twice...she said there was a duplicate ticket showing that there were two procedures when there was only one. The lady was very nice and she said "Unfortunately, I can't just say it was an error and take off the charge." But, she was investigating and would most likely be able to cancel once she confirmed with the clinic....

Oh the joy...

Self-Sabotage?

Last night, I had a heart to heart with myself in the car on my way home from the ball game downtown. All I could think of was drinking beer, eating fried food, and stopping at some fast food venue on my drive home to get "snacks" because I just wanted to eat. "Chicken McNuggets, fries and a strawberry shake, please!"

For some reason, I can't snap out of my awful habits or at least stop thinking about them even when I have such a huge goal right in front of me! I honestly think my brain is self-sabotaging me and I don't really know it or recognize it. I mean, we are going to have our first transfer in September...SEPTEMBER. You would think that my excitement and desire to be healthy, live my life, and reach my goals would be top of mind, an easy task to accomplish with such great news. But, even though I think I'm excited and I think I'm ready...my brain might be freaking out, subconsciously telling me to eat crap, drink shiz, and not exercise because that will have a negative affect on my transfer and potentially not give us a baby. WHEN THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT!

Yes, I'm freaking out. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I'm nervous. Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I'm happy. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I question every decision. Yes, I question every THING. But, this has been a goal of mine for 10+ years, so why is it so hard for me to switch off the bad habits, the negativity, the craziness in my brain and CONTINUE TO REACH MY GOALS?

I've been working on becoming more balanced, losing weight and eating healthy and for some reason, as soon as we gave the "OK," all of that went to the crapper! So, like I said, I had a little heart to heart with myself last night. I had to regroup and tell myself that regardless of what's going on...I need to make the best decisions for myself, my family, and my baby. I need to realize that "not being included" in something is far LESS important than making my body unbalanced and potentially screwing up a transfer. I need to continue on my journey to health gold, continue to exercise, continue to eat well because I'll need to do that when we're pregnant anyway (the best that I can). So, from this day forward, until the transfer and from then on out, I will make good decisions, I will NOT feel "left out" because I know I'm making the best choices for our family and I will remember that there is a far larger goal and plan other than the "right now!"

....and, YES, I will need reminders, so please HELP! :)

Phone is Dead.

So, over our crazy weekend, my phone was demolished! Not really, but it doesn't work... it's out of business and the screen is broken. I can still hear when people call and see when there is a notification, but I can't do ANYHTING because the screen is black. I was soooo mad because all I wanted was the pictures from the phone from the weekend and they didn't get saved to my SD card AND we can't transfer them to the computer because I have to have a lock screen due to my work email being on my cell. SO, my engineer of a husband is going to figure it out (hopefully!) and get the phone unlocked...they are sending me a new one because I had insurance coverage - thank goodness! It's been nice to be "checked out" a bit from the world of social media. As long as people know how to get a hold of me, it's definitely less stressful not having to worry about checking my phone :)

With that being said, I had to email the clinic and let them know if they needed me ,to call my work phone or email. I guess it was a good thing that I did that because they had some more updates. Apparently, they are sending out a packet of info with all the details and RX's in them (but they told me 2 weeks ago this was being sent out back then but apparently, that was wrong). I'm still super confused and I'm sure it's because we haven't had our RN consult...but, I start to worry and have anxiety about it because it doesn't make any sense to me. *fret, fret, fret*

They told me yesterday that I actually do not need to do the Lupron injections due to my medical history. Of course, I was like "WHY NOT?!" (I was actually excited to start SOMETHING at the beginning of August) - I don't get it (mainly because I don't know what the drugs do, why we use them or for what reason because NO ONE HAS TOLD ME). Of course, I reached out to M and was like WTF?

She said that because my ovaries are not functioning, there is no need for down-regulation, therefore no need for Lupron (money saved - ca ching! $$). BUT, then I started questioning everything else...because if I'm not doing Lupron, I don't really have anything to start until August 18th. Then, they told me to stop by BC on August 12...but, then I was like, "I'm going to get a period!!!" and I guess they want me to have a lining shed prior to starting anything else. They then want me to come in on the 17th to measure my uterine lining because they want to start with a blank slate. She said at my baseline ultrasound, they want my lining to be thin so it can be watched to make sure it builds up to a good implantation thickness. Then, I start asking 'What if that's not enough time?' 'What if it doesn't work?!?!'

They will recheck again on the 31st and she said if it isn't enough time, they will push everything out slightly or add patches/other protocol to ensure it's thick enough. I just want to scream a little because you'd think that they would want people informed so they don't bug the clinic ALL THE TIME. ARG.

But, that's my little update today....we go in on August 5th at 8AM for the consult and the packet should arrive tomorrow. *fingers crossed*

Also, I forgot to mention that M got her drug reps to cover the costs of almost ALL of the donor meds! And because I don't need the Lupron, we're saving more money...which is GREAT.

 

Weekend.

Well, it's been pretty quiet around here...just waiting again :) Since we made our decision and moved forward, there hasn't really be much to report. We're literally just waiting until the first week in August to get the low down on the "plan" and what'll happen. Other than that....I honestly don't know what's up. Ha!

BUT, what I do know is that I was able to go to one of my best friend's bachelorette party this weekend! It was such a great time...lots of laughter, food, drinks, etc. Probably had a little TOO much fun, but it'll definitely be a time to remember! I didn't really "wake up" this morning and feel better until 2PM!!!! Uffda.

I actually was thinking that this could be a "last hoorah!" I mean, in a little over a month, we could be pregnant. Kind of surreal. Fingers crossed!

OMG. I'm Freaking OUT.

OMG. I'm freaking out.

We were approved for ATTAIN, all of the paperwork is in and approved.

Our loan is official and monies have been wired to ATTAIN.

AND, I just got off the phone with the clinic and we have a TENTATIVE CYCLE SCHEDULE.

I honestly can't believe this is actually happening...I never thought we would get to this point. Especially being that only a little over a year ago, we never even had met Dr. C yet or visited the clinic. Good Lord. I'm literally sitting here in my little cube space at work, shaking, unable to focus, because all I want to do is run up and down the hallways screaming, "IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING, WE'RE ACTUALLY DOING THIS!!! MAMA IS GONNA GET HERSELF A BABY!!!!!" Throw in a cartwheel or two, too!

Eventually my boss is going to come over here and say, "Um....are you ok? Because you haven't done ANY work for the last week!" Haha - now, I don't know if that would really happen because I tend to be good at "covering up" my blogging and excitement, but still... I'm always looking over my shoulder! I just can't believe all the craziness that has happened in the last two weeks. I really can't believe it.

Along this infertility journey, we've already met so many wonderful people that have been cheerleaders for us and our future family. It's really hard for me to comprehend how these people are so compassionate and excited about our outcomes, cheering us on and being our prayer warriors. It boggles my mind that people we don't even know are praying for us, thinking of us, hoping for us and wishing nothing but good things for us while on this path to a family. I can truly say that I feel the hope and positivity shining down on us, so keep it coming because we are so appreciative! :) I have also been privileged enough to find other women, couples, and families who are going through their own struggles of infertility...some explained, some unexplained. Many stories, many histories, many backgrounds, all varying in their complexity but similar nonetheless. It's an honor to follow along in their journeys exuding my hope, prayers, and love their way...just like many of them have done for us.

OK, that was my "This is what I'm thankful for Today" moment....I've kept you waiting long enough...these dates will be firm as long as all is OK with the donor...so, here's our tentative TIMELINE!!!

7/19/15 - Start taking my active BC pills (the ones that I have been on for 6 months already...they basically just want me to continue)
8/5/15 - RN Consultation - go over all the specifics...details about what the donor has to do, what we have to do, all the medicines, how to administer medicine, any questions, concerns, etc.
8/8/15 - Start Lupron injections
8/12/15 - Last BC pills/all done!
8/17/15 - Ultrasound/lining check/blood draw
8/18/15 - Start additional hormones (Estrace et al - she didn't get into these specifically on the phone)
8/31/15 - Ultrasound/lining check/blood draw
9/6/15 thru 9/10/15 - Scheduled Retrieval with donor (dependant on how the donor responds, Hubby will be given a two day notice of when he needs to come in and give his sperm sample)
9/11/15 thru 9/18/15 - Scheduled EMBRYO TRANSFER (OMGOMGOMGOMG)

Is this really happening?!

DAIRY IS THE DEVIL.

Ok. So this post is completely unrelated to our fertility journey but was basically discovered ON it. Thought I'd share....DAIRY IS THE DEVIL. MY BODY HATES IT. I don't know how much I have "talked" about this but a few posts back you saw that I did a Whole30 challenge that basically cut out dairy, sugar, carbs, liquor, etc. for 30 days. Since then, I've been trying to re-introduce these items back in to see if there are any issues.

A couple years ago, I was tested for allergies and they claimed that I was "allergic" to dairy...not lactose intolerant. Most of the time, people get these two things confused or think they are the same, but they are completely different entities. Lactose intolerance is basically the inability to digest lactose, a natural sugar found in milk and dairy products. Whereas a milk/dairy allergy refers to your body/immune system reacting abnormally to a foreign substance, aka cow's milk and other types of milk or products containing milk. Regardless of the specifics, with both of these, it is recommended to completely avoid and/or limit drastically your dairy consumption.

When the doc told me this, I was like BOGUS. I've eaten, drank, LOVED milk, cheese, yogurt, pizza, etc. my whole life. I haven't had a single symptom or sign saying that I'm "allergic to dairy." He kind of laughed at me and said, "You know your inflammation issues, your intestinal issues, your weight issues, your gas and bloating issues (and mind you the list goes on and on and on), those are all symptoms of your body FIGHTING against the dairy aka foreign substance in your body that it HATES. He basically told me that if I were to cut it out for a longer period of time and then try to reintroduce it back in, I would see a clearer picture of the specific symptoms and feel 100% better while NOT consuming dairy. Of course, I didn't listen and two years passed by.

It wasn't until I did this Whole30 in May and that's when I saw the light....I literally cut all the crap out of my diet and BOOM, I felt sooooo much better. I thought to myself, maybe he was right??? But, I had to test out the theory...so, even though I felt better, had no gas or bloating, no abdominal discomfort, less inflammation...I decided to try to introduce dairy back into my life because, let's face it....I LOVE PIZZZZZZZZZZZA. Well, SH*T hit the fan literally...I mean, it was BAD. I couldn't go two steps away from the toilet, it was honestly coming out of both ends at the same time (I know, TMI...sorry). BUT, it was bad. I told myself, I'm never eating dairy again...I can't believe this...

Well, for whatever reason, my head doesn't get it even when my body is telling it to stop and convulses to the point where I have to lay in the fetal position on our bed, holding my tummy. Why is it so hard for me to give up something I love even though I know it'll make me feel better?!?!?! I dont' get it and it happened again today at work. Good Lord. Would someone please slap me and say, "It's your choice, you know how you're going to feel. DO NOT EAT THE DAIRY!!! DAIRY is the DEVIL!"

After the OK

Since we gave the "OK" yesterday, things are sure flying by! The clinic has been in touch via email and phone updating us on next steps each day, preparing all of our information for the Attain program, and helping with financing. They have been extremely helpful with my husband who only sees in black and white, especially when it comes to the monetary aspect of things :) I'm honestly getting extremely excited when initially I was fearful. The clinic said that as soon as Attain approves our medical application (which usually only takes 24 hours), we'll be able to sit down and start putting dates together, figuring out medications, and basically scheduling the transfer...HOLY MOLY!!!!!!!!!! It's also nice that we took out our loan with a company/bank that works specifically with Attain - they do all the communication, payments, and correspondence; all we have to do is pay the bills. Super Simple (but, we did have our issues initially :))

I even received a random email from my dad today...we were talking about some other things going on in life and he basically said to not worry about pleasing everyone else and to only do what is right for you. After all the things I was afraid of, his approval being one of them, he sends this email to me not even know what we're going through. It made me think that maybe he turned over a new leaf and would be more accepting of our decision, when we do decide to tell him, knowing that we can only do what's best for us and our family. His words, verbatim, "You can't worry about pleasing everyone. If you do, you're going to go crazy. You have to do what you have to do. If people can't understand that, then it's too bad!" Nice.

OK...I'm totally bringing out the "FREAKIN' AWESOME" pic again :) Yes. Sometimes I feel like I'm riding on a white unicorn over a rainbow of happiness and screaming my success to the world...other days, I feel like I'm lurking underneath a dark bridge, on a sidewalk somewhere, shaking my coffee cup at strangers asking for a penny!

 

Take My Hand and Lead Me On

This morning hubby and I woke up, got ready for the day, made breakfast and went to church. Things were the same as usual, the sun was out and the radio played. We both knew that this was the last day before we had to make our final decision for our donor...no more extensions, no more questions, no more excuses. Financing has been decided, payments have been planned. All we need to do now is say, "YES." 

It's hard to believe we are actually at the point where we can move forward comfortably in the direction of our dreams and goals. Yet, I was at church this morning and a song was sung that spoke to my heart...my tears poured out over my cheeks and lips. The kind of tears that just happen in the moment. The kind you do not necessarily want to shut off or wipe away. The kind of tears that mean you are actually feeling something and having a significant moment in your life. The kind of tears that gently are released and slowly make their way to the ground. The words hit home -- we're in a process of waiting because we are pilgrims on a journey. But, as long as I understand that there is a bigger, greater being in control, lifting my head above the waves and keeping me from stumbling. Guiding me in my times of weakness and giving me the strength to push through, guarding my soul and taking my hand to lead me in the direction of what He knows is the right path. 

Take a listen to the song, maybe it will reach a part of you like it did for me:

Music has always been an outlet for my mind, body, and soul. When I sing, it opens up my heart and soul like an internal massage for my entire bodily system. Without music, I would not be able to function, breathe, or live. It is a part of me every day and every minute. I dream about being able to rock my child to sleep, to soothe them with my voice...with melodies flowing through my mouth onto the ears of a sleeping baby just like my mother did for me as a child. My mom taught me how to sing by sharing her gift of harmony. By showing me what it means to carry a tune, to sing in front of an audience, to not be afraid to let my sound be heard. She taught me that music can touch your heart and soul, it can release happiness, sadness, anger. It is a way of praying, of talking to God, of being one with yourself. I want to do that for my children...I want them to hear my voice ringing through the rooftops, I want them to join in and not have a care in the world. 

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow we make the decision. Tomorrow we take another tiny step forward on this long journey. And even though at times, I feel like I'm coming undone and the walk can sometimes feel lonely, I will find hope and stand my ground knowing that no matter what, the Lord can hear our cries and His love is lifting us above all things. This song says it better....

I guess I should've called this post "MUSIC" :) Here we go!

Crazy Brain.

Yesterday, I had one of my monthly appointments with Ms. N who is my holistic practitioner and who is becoming a great friend and ally. I typically go there about 3 times a month as I'm on the journey of self worth and balance and becoming unstuck :) (in order to better prepare my "house" for a 9-month guest!). As soon as we got "the call" the other week, I emailed her immediately to let her know...she was so excited, more than me, I think!

Well, since then as you all know, we're stressing out and trying to figure out details and financing, etc. She literally told me I had CRAZY BRAIN and reassured me that my body was ready and that I have come so far from where I was when we first chatted and met. She reminded me that I need to be proud of the changes I've made and the commitments I have to being healthier and becoming more balanced. Then she said to BREATHE and starting putting "points" in my HEAD! I've never had acupuncture points or needles in my head! It was so crazy -- usually, she puts the points all over my feet, ankles, shins, wrists, right above my nose and sternum. But, NOT MY HEAD. It was weird and I could totally tell I was tense and stressed...usually the points don't hurt but last night I could feel everything, every one that went in, every prick.

When I'm all "pointed" up, I basically get to lay down and meditate for 30-40 minutes, alone in a dark room with soothing music on. It's very relaxing and peaceful and I really look forward to it every week. But, this week was different. I had so much going through my mind, I couldn't "shut it off." She was right, I totally had CRAZY BRAIN...the thoughts and feelings came rushing through my body. Of course, they were of the future, the baby, my family... you name it, it was in my head. I'm a worry wart and put the cart way before the horse all the time and now, I'm doing it again.

Ms. N basically told me what was going to happen with her and what her role will be in our transfer process (once we make a decision). She also has a lot of knowledge of what they will have me do in preparation for the transfer being she works with the clinic and of course, that freaked me out. I'm afraid of the shots. Apparently, I'll need to get or give myself shots for weeks before and after the transfer. A subcutaneous (just under the skin) shot in the belly and a big old muscle shot in the rear. You'd think after everything I've been through, this would be a piece of cake...I mean, I was hospitalized for 2 years and beat Cancer's ass twice...this is chump change. NOT! When I was in the hospital, I found out all the LOVELY things they could do for people so they don't have to feel ANY sort of pain and NOW, I'm a BIG FAT BABY.

You wanna stick this in your bum???



But, really, on a more serious note...I'm really nervous about my family specifically my dad, his parents/my paternal grandparents, and my aunt/his sister. We grew up strict Catholics...so many specifics, rules, and guidelines were pounded into your head. Don't get me wrong, this culture formed my views, my routines, and my relationship with a higher power but I also had my mother's point of view guiding me towards a different relationship a more personal one revolving around music, love and laughter. Throughout my whole life, I felt like there was a slight judgement in actions being made whether it was dating a boy, taking birth control, or even thinking about "getting help" for pregnancy. Everyone was so close minded and black and white. When I got sick, went through treatment and returned home, I recall very clearly my Graduation party at my Grandparents home. All of our friends and family attended even our priest...he came up to me and basically told me I was going to go to Hell if I didn't repent because I haven't been to church in two years (due to my cancer battle). My grandmother was so appalled, she literally kicked him out of the house and that's when I drifted far, far away from Catholicism. 

I don't mean to get into the religious side of things but you might have gotten the hint that I'm a very passionate/spiritual person...Everything happens for a reason and you never know when you'll take your last breathe...so live each day as if it's your last. I'm accepting of all human beings knowing that everyone has good inside of them regardless of their color, race, sexuality, past history...you name it. My God loves and accepts everyone and that's that. Anyway, I'm scared. I don't want to tell my dad, my grandparents, my aunt anything about what's going on. I don't want to tell anyone unless they are in our Circle of Trust. 

I don't want to hear their harsh words, I don't want to see their stares of judgement, I do not, NOT want them to be a part of our future child's life...and if that means not telling them the super specifics, we won't. With what they believe, or what I think they believe, I'm sure they will think we're going to Hell or that we'll have a devil child that is condemned. AND I might be completely blowing this out of proportion (because I actually haven't ever talked to anyone about our options and how they would feel about it) but based on how I was raised, I feel like it would be an issue....

So, I bet you're thinking..."What are you going to say if they ask you HOW you got pregnant?" Can I literally give them the big, fat FINGER and say none of your business? Nope...guess I'm going to have to have a script ready of, "Well, we decided to get a second opinion at a fertility clinic and they actually helped us...and BOOM, here we are...baby."

OK, so I might be being a little harsh....but, this is a constant fear in my CRAZY BRAIN. I want to be normal. I don't want to have to explain everything to people and hear their crazy, stupid opinions on IVF/Donor Eggs/Infertility. When people don't know details, what you're going through or the truth behind anything, they have no right to judge, give advice or ask you personal questions they don't deserve the answers to. AND it shouldn't matter, AT ALL. It should not matter how we got pregnant, it should not matter if this baby is biologically mine, it should not matter because NO MATTER WHAT, I am the mother and hubby is the father. I'm going to carry this child inside of my body for 9 months and feed/nourish it with my blood, then I'm going to go through a delivery like any other normal person would do and pop out a baby. 

To end my rant, I know I'm not the "normal" person but I'm trying to get as close as possible to that as possible. So, don't judge. Don't ask. Don't ponder. Be happy. Be thankful. Be congratulatory. Like any other "normal" person who gets pregnant and has a child, be supportive. You never know what people are going through and how they got to where they are. Be kind. Give love and be thankful for all you have and everything you've overcome to get this far in your life.

Tuesday

 

For those of you that follow my blog, or know what's going on, you're probably waiting and anticipating an update being it's Tuesday. Looking back at my last post, a lot of things have happened in the last week and Monday was the day we needed to give our decision on whether or not to move forward with the donor match the clinic had given us last week.

Well, Monday has come and gone. We still haven't made a decision. We still haven't figured out how we're going to pay for this. We still haven't decided what we're going to do. The only thing we did do was ask for an extension on our deadline. We get one more week to make this life changing decision...to have all our ducks in a row. To know how we're going to pay for our baby. Good Lord. I think I'm going crazy.

The good thing was that for the 4th of July holiday, we had to drive 7 hours north to my home town and I could lock my husband in the car and actually have a conversation without someone leaving to do this or that or being distracted by the television, dogs, neighbors, etc. I know, it's pathetic, but that's how life is...that is what it takes to settle down for a moment and talk about something big. Hubby is an engineer who hates confrontation, so I know how to get done what needs to be done even if it requires locking him somewhere to "force chat."

That being said, we knew we would have to take out a loan for baby...it's something we accepted a long time ago. We weren't going to ask anyone for money because we didn't want half of the people to know the "specifics" of what's actually going on with our baby struggles. We haven't moved forward with anything or financing options because these type of things don't just happen...they are a ways in the future and with all the changes and updates and crap at the clinic, we didn't think they would call for months. It wasn't REAL yet...Well, now it's real and we don't have ANYTHING figured out.

The clinic gave us some recommendations on where to go to get financing, the people that help with the program we're in so we basically don't have to do a single thing other than pay the bills. We looked into that option and of course it was like pulling teeth. At first, we didn't put in the right information, so we didn't get the results we needed...I had to sit on the phone with the company for a long time trying to figure out what went wrong and why we didn't get approved for the amount requested, etc. THEN, we finally got it and resubmitted the details...got the amount of money we needed approved, but the interest rates were insane. Hubby was not happy with the results so he is bound and determined to go elsewhere to get better outcomes...he's actually heading to the credit union this afternoon to see what they have to offer. IF we go this way, the credit union would basically send us a cashier's check and we would be responsible for getting the money to the right people and not SCREWING UP. *eek* I'm good at screwing things up...

So, we'll wait to see what they say AND then move forward *fingers crossed* hopefully. If for whatever reason, we can't nail down financing, this whole process/journey will be a bust and we'll be instead buying a new house and more dogs and retiring early to travel the world....sometimes I just want to throw in the towel.

THE CALL.

I was out and about today during my lunch break running errands without a care in the world. It was about 1:00PM and I deliberately turned down lunch options with co-workers to run some errands and be alone. I was on my way to Target when the phone rang, around 1:10PM, as I pulled into the parking lot...the number that popped up on my phone put me in a dead halt. It was the clinic. Since I spoke with them a week or so ago, I didn't really expect them to call again being we didn't have or need any additional details...all the tests were done, they had everything they needed. So, my heart started to race and beat out of my chest...I almost didn't answer and let it go straight to voicemail. Then I thought, "It's probably M just calling because her cell wasn't working and she had to talk to me about something." But, then I thought that was stupid because she's never ever called me from the clinic. So, I picked up the phone and said, "Hello." I knew it was going to be the donor coordinator...I knew this was going to be THE CALL. There was no other reason for it. I had a feeling deep down in my bones. This was it.

I was right. It was the donor coordinator. She was calling to tell me she had a match. They had a match for me and my baby. I honestly didn't know how I was going to react and have thought about this exact situation many times in the past. But, I never knew how it would go...I just kept playing out different options in my head. I felt like I was on a 9-1-1 call and being the emotional basket case that I am, I automatically FREAKED OUT. At first I just sat on the phone, stunned...no words would come out of my mouth. It was so "Homer Simpson style...Doh!!!!!!!". She literally asked me if I was still there and to answer her. I explained my shock and disbelief that this was really happening upon which I kept getting more overwhelmed, excited, scared, happy, nervous, anxious....all at the same time. I began to hyperventilate and then got teary...I literally bit my tongue and told myself to "HOLD IT TOGETHER"...but, this is something I've been waiting for since I was a child. My dream of becoming a mother was within reach, fingertips away. She calmly tried to talk me off the ledge...reminding me that all I had to do right now was listen. When I finally calmed my breathing down, she proceeded with reading me the donor profile. Piece by piece, attribute by attribute, education, activities, family history, genealogy...everything you could think of.

After this, she explained to me the next steps...she would email me the details and I would have one week to talk, think, determine if this was the donor we wanted to go with. Hubby and I would need to get back to her by Monday with an answer. One WEEK. If we said "No" or didn't get back to her by then, the donor would go back into the pool and we'd be back on the list.  Again, I was in shock. How could we make this huge of a decision in a week?? Do we nit pick everything? Do we say YES or NO even if the details are exactly what we want? Do we just say YES and go for it? Also, how the heck are we going to pay for this???? I mean, we haven't done anything because we never thought we'd get to this point...we thought we had more time. Good Lord.

I hung up the phone after we were through and that's when the real water works started. The people in the Target parking lot probably thought I was a crazy woman sitting in my car crying...oh wait, I am :) I mean, the NOT PRETTY Crying...the snotting on myself, hyperventilating crying...the "OMG. I don't want anyone to see me" Crying where my face is all puffy and my mascara is running down my cheeks. The "OH CRAP, I have to go back to work looking like this" crying. GOOD LORD. AND THEN, I had to call Hubby because I couldn't keep it together through the rest of my work day without telling him.

So, I called him. I probably should've calmed down first before dialing...before he answered the phone at work. He probably should've ignored my call. Then I proceeded to word vomit while crying on him to the point of him saying (in his "I'm so serious engineer voice"), "Can you please settle down? Are you OK? I can't understand a word you are saying." I told him about the call from the clinic. About them finding a matched donor (as I kept hyperventilating). He was basically silent. Stunned I'm sure. Didn't say much so of course I took it personally and started to say, "Please don't be mad..." Then he proceeded to say, "We can talk about this tonight when you get home." That was that. Did I mention I was a crazy basket case? Because, I started texting him..."Are you mad?" "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would happen this soon." He then let me know that he didn't understand why I was sobbing and why I was acting like someone was dead when this should be a good thing...good informational updates. He also reminded me that he was at work and couldn't have an in depth conversation about this right now.

Good Lord. What a day. My contacts are glued to my eyes because I've cried so hard this afternoon. I'm trying to work but all I can do is blog. And now I have to go home to have this chat with Hubby and I'm sure I'll be like, "YES! Lets do this. This is the one." and he'll be like, "Hmmm...maybe there is something better." Oh the drama...but, finally some AWESOME news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!