If you want me to...

As I sit here taking in my lovely glass of wine this evening, one that is getting closer to being my last, I am reflecting on my beautiful friends, family and the miracles that have been placed in our lives...I try to explain it all in my head and figure out why things happen the way they do and at the certain date and time that you need them. But, nothing is explainable...everything happens for a reason, out of our control. I honestly still can't believe where I started and how far we have come..it doesn't feel real and I'm not sure when it will actually hit us that this is really happening. 

With my family and all the unthinkable occurrences that happened throughout my childhood and into adulthood, I often questioned, "Why us? Why me? We are good people." My brother's chromosomal disorder, my parent's divorce, my cancer diagnosis and treatment, my mother's breast cancer, just to name a few..."Why so much heartache?" During these tough times, I was taught to give my fears, questions, and doubt to the Lord for He is the only one who knows our paths, our journey and what is meant for our lives. Even during our darkest of times, times at which we think our lives are coming to an end, instead of doubting in the Lord, we trusted and prevailed. 

This life has also blessed us with beautiful friends that we have been able to lean on, support, grow with, cry with, and laugh with throughout the years. I finally have been able to feel somewhat comfortable telling most of them our "true" story and what is going on with our TTC journey - what is actually happening, what our plan is, what we are trying to do. It has felt like a huge rock has been lifted off my back and part of that was mainly because I thought they wouldn't approve or they would feel sorry for us for yet another hardship. But, of course, that was not the case. Nothing but joy, happiness, and excitement have been given and that in itself is a blessing.  

I'm also extremely thankful for my job and my co-workers. Though there have been many of times where I have been at my wits end and have wanted to throw my hands up and just walk out the door, my level head backs me up and pulls me down off the ledge. It reminds me that these stressors shall pass as everything else does and that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. For the past 5 years, I couldn't tell you why I haven't left or what was keeping me at work...but, again, it seems to be unfolding very quickly. My boss is an angel...she has been so receptive of what we are going through and completely supportive of my needs...whether I have to take a longer lunch for an appointment, come in later, or work from home; they are extremely accommodating. 

I honestly am proud and glad of everything we've gone through up to this point. My childhood trials made me grow up quicker. They made me learn that everything happens for a reason and nothing is in our control. I was taught to not take one day for granted and that any of your breaths could be the last, so to go about life living and being thankful for all the little things. This gratitude and joy brought my family closer together, regardless of the past; it brought my husband into my life and now, we're dealing with our own struggles. These new struggles are bringing us closer together... we are getting to know each other on a completely different level. We are growing, struggling, and loving each other so much more than we ever would have. 

The below words are lyrics from a song my mother and I used to harmonize to growing up...I heard it again on the radio the other day and it really spoke to me. It hit a nerve deep down inside my soul and reminded me that although the pathway is broken and unclear, I need to trust that everything will work out the way it is supposed to regardless of what my little mind had planned for me. 

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness if You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley if You want me to