Bed Rest aka Couch Rest (March 10, 2016)

So, it's Bed Rest Time....aka Couch rest. 2 days off of work were calling my name and I wasn't stressed at ALL. They told me to lay low the day of the transfer and get back at it after 24 hours...but, then one nurse said 24-36 hours, one said 48, one said just the day...so I laid low for two days. I binged on Netflix and Amazon Prime...nothing like marathons of When Calls the Heart and Downton Abbey :)

I didn't Google anything, didn't research anything...I just CHILLED. They say this is hard for some people...they say that people can't stop stressing out about the transfer, work, life...but, I had a hay day. I almost was more excited NOT to go to work than the transfer. JUST kidding. But, seriously. It was great. I napped, I ate, I slept. I breathed.

I still can't believe it...I was impregnated yesterday. Today I am...1dp5dt. Is that right? Haha. I'm not good with all the terms.

So far, I've been crampy/achy...like I'm getting a menstrual period. It's pretty constant. I've had little pricks in my lower left abdomen and have been very sleepy. Again, trying not to read into anything but....we CAN be cautiously optimistic.





March 18th is the day we go back in for blood work....what am I going to do with myself until then???

The only thing I was little nervous about was we were planning to have my Dad as company this weekend and he's going to be wondering WHY I'm not drinking, because let's face it, I'm an avid drinker...but, we'll cross that bridge when come to it. Peace.

Transfer Day (March 9, 2016)

I can't believe it....today is transfer day.

I took today off from work... and also plan to have PTO on Thursday. I'll work from home on Friday, too, just to be safe and stress free. Hubby had the day off too....so, last night we ordered take out, drank a whole bottle of wine and cheers to the "last supper." We slept in this morning...my transfer was scheduled for 12:45PM, so we had the whole morning to relax, drink coffee and be with each other. Miss N was also planning to do acupuncture before and after the transfer, so our plan was to meet her at the clinic at 11:15 to get started. We were so excited (hubby was a little nervous)...

I had everything ready the day before...I cleaned the house, went shopping and picked up some food that would be easy to cook or reheat when I was on bed rest after the transfer. I prepped my meds, water and everything I needed to bring with to the clinic. My Valium was laid out, my bendy straws, my Vitamin water...so, we left the house without a hitch. Made our way to the clinic and checked in. We let them know that we were checking for our FET and of course the receptionists just treated it like any other day...I mean, they deal with this every day and see me every week, so same old, same old. But, I didn't let that bog me down...we also told them we were meeting with Miss N before and after. They went to try and find her but of course couldn't... I heard them talking and apparently the new people didn't know what she looked like and had to have someone else find her. I just texted her and let her know we were here...lets just cut out the middle man. Miss N came to get up....she was in scrubs and I barely recognized her. Then it started to sink in...this is the day. She took us back to the IVF suite and we got our scrubs. I had to get the lovely hospital gown with the opening in the back. They made me wear one that was open in the back and one like a house coat so I didn't display my dairy air. We met the IVF nurse that was going to be in on the transfer and she explained to us a few details...everything felt so calm and stress free. I couldn't get the smile off of my face.

We got all situated in the Acupuncture room...the lights were dim and instrumental music was playing. Miss N explained the process, what was going to happen, the details and science behind it all. Then we got to the needles...Hubby was in the room too and I asked Miss N if she could give him some needles to calm down :) But, she couldn't of course. As soon as the needles were in, she left the room so we could have some "alone time." As soon as she left, Hubby kept messing with the fricken needles!! He's like "What if I do this? Can I touch that?" He was fiddling with everything...I literally was like, "WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING!"

10 minutes later, I took my Valium (one hour before the actual transfer) and drank all my water to fill up my bladder. They wanted it nice and full because it helps with the ultrasound when actually putting the embryo in my uterus. After about 30 minutes, Miss N came back in and removed the needles and then gave me a lovely massage until the nurse came to get us. During this time, Hubby and I were holding hands and relaxing. All of a sudden, a song came on the speakers...and I couldn't believe my ears. It was the instrumental version of our wedding song....cue the waterworks. Everyone is crying. I couldn't believe it. It was a sign...this was it. This was the time. This is our time. We are finally here and we are ready.

I'm bawling just writing this darn post.

So, the nurse came in to get us...she brought us just next door and we were situated. There was literally a "drive thru" window in the room where all the embryos were stored. The doctor came in and it was Dr. E, a lady :), who was extremely soft-hearted and excited for our big day. She spoke calmly and clearly and reassured us that all will be great. She let us know that the thaw went perfectly...we decided to just do one embryo instead of two for transferring after speaking to our Doctor. We had a beautiful stage 5 blastocyst embryo just waiting to get into my soft, cushy uterine lining. She handed us a picture of our little peanut and I was just in shock...this is my little peanut, our little peanut. 

By this time, my Valium is kicking in more and I have to pee but it didn't matter...there was so much adrenaline running through my body, I didn't have a care in the world. THEN, Heather came in to be the tech for ultrasound during the transfer and I just squealed :) As you know, she is the best and it was so nice to have yet another familiar face in the room. The drive through window opened and another tech came in asking for confirmations, dates of birth/names, etc. They put an ankle medical bracelet on my leg (I felt like I was getting bagged). Then all was a go. It was time. Insert speculum now. That was probably the worst part about it all...and my full bladder that was about to burst. 

Heather checked my bladder, good and full (I could've told her that!). Then they did a trial transfer to make sure the doctor entered my uterus correctly and had a clear view of the end goal. It went perfectly. Nice and straight. No problems. They complimented me on my beautiful uterus again...this seems to be a recurring theme. I'm not sure what they mean when they say that...but, I guess it's pretty. The tech in the drive thru gave Dr. E the catheter with our little peanut...I wanted to yell at her to not F it up, but it all went so quickly. I barely knew they were doing anything. I could see the burst of fluid that comes out of the catheter when they inserted it into my body, but other than that...nothing. She told me they were done and I was like "What?! I'm pregnant now??" They checked the catheter just to make sure the embryo did exit properly...only a microscope could verify those details and it did. Our little peanut was home...in my uterine lining. Ready for a 9 month stay (fingers crossed). 

They made me stay there for about 10 minutes, laying down, and then had me go empty my bladder. I know this isn't how it works, but I kept thinking...if I pee, it's going to fall out!! Miss N took us back into her room, we finished our acupuncture and then hubby took me home for some much deserved bed rest aka couch fest.

 

OMG. I was impregnated today! Meet our Little Peanut :) 

Sorry, I didn't show you our faces :) Confidentiality, ya know! But, I still love you all - thanks for your support!

Day 20 - One Last Check! (March 8, 2016)

Day 20 - March 8th, 2016 - One last check...

You'd think I would be nervous...but, I was actually OK. I went to work super early because they could only get my in later on in the morning so instead of staying home and going to work after, I decided to go in. It was helpful because I didn't sit and think about the what-ifs, I kept busy and left the office when needed.

I got to the clinic and went to the bathroom because everyone knows that my bladder is an entirely different being and likes to overfill with no warning. I sat down ready to wait and funny thing is, I didn't have to wait long. Heather peeked her head around the corner and said, "We're ready for you!" I was so happy and relieved to see her...she is the best tech by far. I even told her I already went to the bathroom and she smiled, apologetically, for last week's ordeal.

I got to the room and I swear my shoes were off before she even shut the door...again, you all know the drill. I sat my bare bum on the table and prayed to have a good nurse. I did -- Dori and Heather walked back in to the room and got the show on the road. Dori has always been super supportive too and a little fun. Insert probe now....I looked at the screen, Heather pushed on my tummy a little to get a better read. Then we watched...the millimeters went up....

4mm..............5mm...............6mm............6.5mm.............7mm...........7.5MM.................8MM......OMG.

EIGHT MILLIMETERS!!!!!!!!! 8 MM!!!!!!!!!

WE ARE AT 8 MM!!!!!!!!!! This is the thickest my lining has EVER been. I MEAN EVER. OMG OMG OMG. 8MM!!!!!!!

Heather confirmed, 8mm; Dori said we're GOLDEN - Transfer is tomorrow! Before she could even get that lovely stick out of my goods, by body started convulsing on the table...I was crying, happy tears of course. As soon as Heather cleaned up, I sat up and all three of us bounced off the walls a little...jumped for JOY, we hugged. Heather has seen my lining at the beginning when it was the very worst, the middle with the rollercoasters of readings, and now the good. WE ARE HERE. Dori put her hand on my shoulder and asked if I was going to be able to go back to work..and I told her, YES.YES.YES. These are happy tears....two years later, we are here. TOMORROW IS TRANSFER DAY. OMG. 

Day 14 - It's a go! (March 2, 2016)

OMG. It's Day 14.

DAY 14. This is one of the biggest milestone days we have encountered in some time... This was the day that would tell us if we were actually moving forward with our FET transfer. THIS IS IT.

I was so nervous. I went back to the clinic....stopped by the bathroom just because I was so nervous and emptied my bladder. Checked in and sat down, waiting for my name to be called. I literally was shaking...I couldn't breathe, I was nervous. I had my legs crossed because I thought that would help...but, it didn't. I started shaking profusely. Then, they called my name BUT it wasn't Ultrasound...it was the lab, they wanted to do blood work first because I guess US was super busy. Great. JUST GET ON WITH IT. ha.

They took my blood and put me back in the waiting room...about 10 minutes later, Heather, my fav US tech called me back. You know the drill, get nakey, sit on table, use sheet, etc. When she came back, she brought in a nurse I didn't even know...yet again. Her name was Sue. I remember this time. It was someone I had never seen before. She talked very loud. I could tell she was rude from the get go, but I tried to just smile through it and tell myself there were bigger and better things out there and to not stress out about the dumb nurse. I even complimented her sweater but she didn't seem to care. Heather started to do the ultrasound and made a funny face....she told me I would have to go to the bathroom again so she could get an accurate reading/view...and I told her I literally just went. But...I got dressed again, went out to the bano, emptied my bladder, got back into the room, got undressed again, and sat my ass on the table. By this time, I was just aggravated. Sue and Heather came back in and the procedure went on as planned...I watched the monitor, the mm's went up...4mm, 5mm....6mm....7mm. And that was that. 7MM on the nose. I was excited but bummed. The last time I was in...I was over 7mm and now, when I was hoping for more, I was barely at 7. BUT, Heather told me it looked great... there was a tiny bit of fluid but not enough to even measure. Sue, basically yelled at me and said, OK - you're good to go. Start your Progesterone and we'll see you next week. Then she got ready to leave.

I looked at her and said, "EXCUSE ME!? What the HECK are you talking about? What do I do? What's going on?" She basically looked at me like I was a fricken idiot and said, "Didn't anyone go over this with you??" I basically told her NO, no one told me anything...I don't know what is going on. They wanted me to wait until today to basically see if we were even going to move forward. I wanted to bitch slap her. What a  ass. I told her she needed to tell me what to do, what was going on, what dates, meds, etc. I needed to have. She literally looked at my with a blank stare...then proceeded to say, "Well, I can draw on your circles if you want for your PIO shots." I looked her straight in the eyes and said, "Really, Sue? IF you read my files, you would've known we've been doing estrogen injections for the last two months." After that, I left knowing that someone would call me this afternoon after Dr. C reviewed the details.

That afternoon Theresa called me and literally apologized for Sue and how she treated me. I basically told her it wasn't the best experience and would prefer to have someone involved in my case that cared and knew about what was going on. She then proceeded to tell me what to do. Start my PIO on Friday - 1 ml daily. Continue my estradiol valerate 0.6 ml twice a week. Continue with my 81 mg of baby aspirin daily. Start my Doxycycline on Sunday, twice daily with food for 4 days. Also, find a prenatal and start taking that daily as well.

They wanted me to come back in on Day 20, just for a last lining check to ensure everything was where it should be. Then on Day 21, March 9th...we would do a frozen embryo transfer! Oh my gosh you guys...we are here. ALMOST.

Day 1 (February 18, 2016)

As soon as I had my bleed, I went back into the clinic to have my base ultrasound done for my the start of our official FET. I couldn't believe it, I wanted time to move so quickly and jump ahead to Day 14, Day 21, etc. But, unfortunately, that's not how life works...and patience is a virtue.
So, again, I was called back, got nakey and probed for the beginning of the REAL CYCLE. My lining was good and low...we got the go to start up the injections and get things done. I couldn't believe this was happening but in the back of my head, I was still having doubts, concerns, worries...my lining worked a couple times before and then it just decided to stop doing what it was supposed to. What would I do if it decided to do that again?? But, come back to the real world, Joy...seriously, I can't control everything...breathe.

My next visit would be on Day 14....this is when they would check my lining to make sure it's still good and then proceed with the next steps. No one would give me many details on what would happen...they kept saying, "Let's just get to Day 14 and go from there." So, I just agreed, put a big smile on my face and faced the day! I also added some more holistic help from Miss N to calm my nerves....nothing like some needles to ease my stress!

Vday

As you know, I started injectable estrace...it wasn't bad at all and became a routine. I even traveled to AZ to see my bestie and it all went just fine, she even helped with the shot (she's a PT, so her medical background was an added benefit :)). The doc wanted me to come back in on Day 14 to check my lining with this new protocol. Again, I was so nervous...but, tried to stay calm and just breathe. I went back into the clinic the day before my 30th birthday, February 1st. I checked in, sat down....same old, same old. When the ultra sound tech called me back, I walked into the room and she went to go get a nurse. I stripped down, got on the table, and covered the goods with the pressed, white sanitized bed sheet. The tech and a nurse came back in the room, thankfully it was Theresa...the nurse who actually tried and cared about what was going on.

They stuck that lovely stick up my vajayjay and I didn't want to look at the screen, but I did (of course). As she was measuring...the mm's kept going up and up...4mm, 5mm, 6mm.....7mm.....7.4MM!!! My lining was at 7.4MM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Both the tech and Theresa said, "WELL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

7.4MM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I couldn't believe it...I cried. I asked what does this mean?? What's happening next?? What is going on??? They told me that the injections were working and now the doctor would have to review everything to determine the next steps. I asked myself, could we do a transfer next week???? So, I went back to work and waited. I waited for the call, I waited for the next steps. I couldn't believe it...I was so relieved that we didn't switch clinics, that we didn't doubt our doctors, that we just kept moving...and didn't give up.

Theresa called that afternoon and told me that Dr. C would like me to have a bleed and start up again on the injections. They want to actually do my frozen embryo transfer next month!! Honestly, I was hoping they would've told me that I could start my PIO Shots right away and do the transfer next week, but next month will be just A-OK!

So, I followed their protocol....stopped the meds and had a bleed. But, we went out for Valentine's Day like it was our last hooooo-rah! We went downtown, had a fancy dinner, rented a hotel room and had a little staycation! Best. VDAY. EVER.

January - Dreaded Injectables

January was the beginning of my new medicine regiment...the circles were drawn on my rear like a lovely bullseye and I was re-taught how to do injectable medicine. The doc said to do these shots twice a week...Wednesdays and Sundays. Alternate sides so there isn't soreness and use the muscle afterwards...so basically, don't sit on your bum like a bump on a log.

After the research and trying to determine whether or not we should transfer clinics, we decided to stay where we were. It was putting even more stress on my shoulders worrying about leaving and finding a new doc, clinic, monies, etc. So, here we are....

When we were initially told/taught how to do these shots, my hubby seemed excited and in control. (I know, so sadistic! HA.) But, when it actually came down to it, he was nervous. He told me he didn't want to hurt me. I tried to reassure him that he wouldn't hurt me (and even if it did, I couldn't let him know). So, I drew up the first shot and stuck it in my bra...being the medicine is in oil, my lovely friend Risa suggested to warm it up beforehand to help it go in better. It's like coconut oil, if it cools off, it gets hard...but, if you warm it up, it becomes nice and runny. So, I stuck the shot in my bra for a good hour to help with the temperature. About 20-60 minutes before we did the shot, depending on the day.

It was also suggested to me to heat the injection site before doing the actual shot...so, As a gift, I received a rice sock from Miss N for Christmas. Do you know what those are? People use these for sore muscles, etc....see below:


So, I heated this baby up and put it right on my rear...after it cooled down, hubby and I went upstairs to do our first injection. We went into the spare bedroom so we didn't have to associate this lovely stuff with our sex life in our own room. He cleaned the injection site, took the shot and darted it in...funny thing, I didn't even feel it. I was so fricken worked up and I literally asked him, "Did you do it yet?" while proceeding to turn my neck and see that the need was totally in my bum! I turned around and was like, "I guess so..." It was ridiculous, I mean...I was so hyped up and it wasn't bad at all. NOT AT ALL. Maybe, it helps to have some extra fluff on your bum? I hear so many people complaining about pain and knots and how it hurts so bad. But, not over here...knock on wood, maybe that'll change...but it wasn't bad. at. all.

We were excited...I felt like things were changing and now, we were on the "right" path...our path. I even text Risa and let her know how much it didn't suck! Ha!

Onward!

December - Give Up on Giving Up

Well, we reached out to the clinic and asked to start up again with getting us prego. After my little sabbatical and baby blues episode, I decided to not give up. I'm giving up on giving up...I literally have a shirt that says that. When being a mom and having a child and making a family is constantly on my mind, day and night...I can't just throw in the towel.



The doctors put me back on the regiment of oral estrace and wanted to do a mock cycle in order to build up my lining. Gradually build up my dosage, day by day...2mg for a couple days, then 4mg, then 6mg. Day one came and went like all the other tries....on Day 14, I went in and had an ultrasound to figure out what the status was....by this point, I was on 6mg of estrace for about 3 days. My lining was at 6mm! This was the highest it had been in some time...so, Dr. C said to let it go one more week, taking the estrace at 6mg, and re-check. On day 21, I came back in and found out that instead of my lining getting better...it got worse. It was down to 4mm with fluid...I was so bummed out and upset...I didn't even know what to think. I cried. It's supposed to get better as time progresses and mine went the complete opposite way. And to make matters worse, I had a stupid nurse who was just awful and didn't know what to say or what to do...I found this to be a recurring theme. I'll have a great nurse, one who specializes in IVF/FET/Donor Cycles and then I'll get a crap nurse who doesn't even seem to know how to read or tie her own shoes. They don't know my files, they don't know my history, they don't know ME....so, when I thought the world was ending, she basically confirmed it, yet again. But, anyway...the nurse (I can't even remember her name, or choose not to) told me to go back to work and the doctor would call me later that afternoon.

When I received the call that afternoon, it wasn't from the doctor. It was from yet another nurse, this time it was Theresa...I've had her before and she was just a dear, so I had a little sigh of relief. I feel like I haven't seen or talked to my doc in years, but hopefully they communicate to one another accurately. They wanted to change my protocol and switch me over to an injectable estrogen called estradiol valerate.  So, they wanted me to have a bleed and then start up on these new injections....twice a week, in my bum. Theresa said to call in when I had my period and we'd do a baseline ultrasound just to verify my lining starting point, draw on my "targets" or injection circles, and reteach me on home to do the injectable medicine.



I was so upset...I don't know how to explain it...I basically called M and asked about transferring clinics, how to do it, getting a second opinion from her main doc, determining whether or not Attain would transfer out, etc. We basically had one week to decide...before I had to start my new injectables.



Exciting...I was already scared for the progesterone shots I would eventually need to start before a transfer...and now, I get to start a different shot on top of that AND try to figure out if I should just change clinics and start over. Lovely. But, we're not giving up...there are always options.

Baby Blues

Baby blues.

These blues have crept into my thoughts over the last few weeks and are continuing to get heavier and heavier on my mind. My heart yearns to carry a baby and go through the process again until the end goals are reached. However, there is a huge fear in my heart, that we will keep trying and what I want will not be had.

My friends are expecting and planning their futures with their upcoming bundles of joy and I want it so bad. I want to experience everything they are and more. I want to buy little onesies and be showered with baby goodies. I want to go shopping for car seats and cribs. I want to redo the rooms in our house to accommodate another life. I want to search for a daycare provider and read all the parenting books known to man. I do not doubt that I will one day but I want it now and now is not our time yet.

I was born to be a mom. It comes so naturally to me to caress and care for a child. To tend to needs and comfort them in times of sorrow. I need to look outside of the box at all the options and accept that if this donor egg process isn't successful, I can still be a mom and maybe that is why it comes so easily for me....because God knows what his plans are for me and my plans may not be the right plans. I'm not trying to be negative, but I need to be realistic. When I stop stressing and not planning, things should hopefully fall into a better place.

With that being said, I still put off myself...in this time of recuperation and rest, I still didn't tend to my body and overall well being. I did the exact opposite. I rebelled. I mistreated my body with gluttonous eating and drinking to drown out my sorrows. I know that this body can not handle a baby until it is in better shape and stronger than ever, both physically and mentally. There is no more excuses for putting off what is required.

This sabbatical is complete. Baby blues need to retreat.

Sabbatical.

Sabbatical or a sabbatical (from Latin: sabbaticus, from Greek: sabbatikos (σαββατικός), from Hebrew: shabbat (שבת) (i.e., Sabbath), literally a "ceasing") is a rest from work, or a break, often lasting from two months to a year. (per Wikipedia)

This is where we are. 

I was told to touch base with the doctor after I had a "bleed." Well, lovely Aunt Flow never showed up...so I reached out to the clinic last week regarding this and wondering why it didn't happen. They said based on my circumstances, I may not even have a visit from the lovely Auntie. They told me that the doctor is wanting to change things up and "Prime" my uterus for a few months before gauging the thickness of the lining again. He wanted to start us on more medicine Oct 1st and then take a 2-3 months to get the uterus ready and check the lining again. With a frozen transfer, you have more lenience on when you can do the actual transfer and Dr. C was more than optimistic that this would work. However, per my last post, I've been in a funk...a downward spiral of craziness and a barrel of other emotions that need to be dealt with. 

As you know, all things, including SH*T, hit the fan and it brought to the surface many other issues in my life that are unorganized and that are in need of fixing. So, we checked with the clinic regarding our ATTAIN program and how much time we have to complete the process along with any constraints that might interfere if we were to take a slight break to re-group and get in better, ready status. The clinic came back and let us know that we basically have 36-months to complete the program and as long as we stay on track and follow the doctor's recommendations in that time frame, there should be no issue if we take a break to relax and recoup. 

So, I am currently resting from work and taking a break...a sabbatical. I'm going to focus on my body and mind and take a break from meds until the first of the year. We have a couple trips planned and we're going to enjoy life for the time being with no worries. Hopefully, this will help me with the craziness and will prepare me to go through this again.