34w0d...UPDATE

For those of you who are still following this blog, if any, it's been a while and I wanted to give an update. I'm sorry for the delay in posts but as most of you know, that probably means something happened and we didn't have time to do silly things, such as blogging. If that's what you were guessing, you are correct...here is the story. I had a baby.

32 weeks came and went...not a care in the world. I just went on and did my daily tasks...work, home, sleep, repeat. But, at 33w3d...Monday, October 10th, I woke up and I felt OK...but noticed I had some extra discharge, more than normal AND when I say normal, as some of you know...discharge is a close friend during pregnancy...I honestly didn't think anything of it, really. But, I went to work and decided to email the clinic/doc, just to be safe. As the day went on, the discharge changed (I know, TMI). I even decided to take a picture of it and text my mom friends to ask them if they thought it was odd. Again, I emailed the doctor and they didn't really get back to me...just said they would like my OB know and he would get back to me, "eventually."  I talked to my boss and she told me to leave work and go to the doctor...she told me a horror story of when her son was born prematurely because her water broke and she didn't know it. I laughed at her and said she was silly, that I was just feeling off and wanted to go home and take a nap. I got home and called labor and delivery (l&d) just to be safe, they told me to talk to my OB (who hasn't called me back yet....tick, tock) or I could come in because they couldn't do assessments over the phone. Of course, I didn't go in...instead I waited for my husband to come home to get his opinion. When he got home, he basically told me I was overreacting and if I wanted to go in, to just go. I proceeded to go to the bathroom and cry because at this point, I felt something was off/wrong...the doctor still didn't call me back (after emailing all day and I did call the clinic and left a message with the nurse for him) and now my husband thought I was crazy. Since hubby and I were fighting, I decided to be stubborn and get in the car, alone, and drive myself to the hospital. I made it half way out of the neighborhood, then drove around the block, bawling and went back home..because I was being ridiculous. I called l&d again and talked to a nurse...same story. "They can't assess me over the phone and it's my decision to come in or not." About 2 minutes after I hung up the phone, the on-call doctor called me back and told me I needed to come in RIGHT AWAY. At this point, hubby was ready to go (because, of course, if the doc says come in, we should come in...ughh). So, I grabbed my glasses, thyroid medicine, let the dogs out, we got in the car... and we left. 

When we got to the hospital, they were expecting us. They brought us into the Mother Baby Center triage area and started doing their inspections. They had me change into the awful hospital gowns, pee in a cup, then hooked me up to the machines. At this point, I still feel fine...just wondering what is happening. After a couple minutes, they looked at me and said, "Do you feel that?" and I told them I had no clue what they were talking about. The nurses told me I was having contractions. I thought they were crazy...then the doctor came in and checked my cervix, just for fun. She said I was dilated to 2cm...YES, you heard it right...2cm dilated at 33.3 weeks. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I WAS IN PRETERM LABOR. They hooked me up to magnesium, antibiotics and anything else I needed to STOP labor. They also started giving me steroid shots for the baby's lungs just to be safe and took a few more tests to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid, etc. She could feel my bag of waters and told me it hasn't broken but they were going to check if anything was leaking, just to be safe. I remember looking at my hubby and saying, "SEE!! I knew something was up..." but then I also started to worry. I worried about everything...the baby, me, our family...everything we had to do to get this far. I wasn't going to let anything happen to that baby.

Since I was in preterm labor and less than 34 weeks along, the doctor made the decision to send me to the specialty hospital downtown. Our hospital wasn't able to keep babies that were delivered earlier than 34 weeks (AND OF COURSE THIS FREAKED ME OUT). I remember asking them, "You are not going to take this baby out, right?! IT'S TOO EARLY." They said it was just precautionary...so, with all the pumps, meds, fluids...they ordered an ambulance to take me downtown. Hubby was allowed to follow in the car but he had to go home and let the dogs out...by this time, we had been at the hospital for a couple hours and didn't know when we'd be going home. I remember thinking to myself, "Why do I need an ambulance? This is going to cost a fortune." But, we got to the new hospital and they checked me in. The doctor came in and basically said once we get this under control, I'd probably be able to go home in a few days and just take it easy for a couple more weeks. That was a relief...BUT, about 30 minutes later they came in and said that some of the tests came back and there had been a change in plans. Apparently, even though the doctor at the other hospital could feel my water bag, it had ruptured and I was definitely leaking amniotic fluid...they told me I wasn't going to leave the hospital with baby in my belly....

So, bed rest was the next plan of action...bed rest in the hospital, confined to the bed, in the tiny hospital room and forced to watch TV and do no work for who knows how long because of the stress. The goal was to go to 34 weeks and then reassess the situation at that time. Babies do better outside of the uterus once your water has broken after 34 weeks...so most likely an induction would be in order. Let me tell you, it's a lot easier to make the choice to sit on your butt all day and do nothing but watch the Price is Right and eat food. But, when someone else tells you that you HAVE to do it...it's way more difficult!

So, this all happened on Monday (33w3d) evening and by now it's Tuesday morning (33w4d). We started making calls to parents and work, letting them know what was going on. I told my boss that vacation had come early and I wouldn't be back for months...this obviously caught everyone by surprised and of course they had no plan, but I honestly didn't care. All I cared about was keeping this baby in my body and doing everything in my power to make it to 34 weeks. We also called my mom who lives 6 hours away and asked her if she wanted a baby for her birthday, which was the upcoming Saturday...she had no idea what was going on but then it finally clicked and she dropped everything to drive down and meet us. 

Once mom made it to town, we sent hubby back to work...there was no point having him sit in the hospital, watching me on bed rest when he could be working and bringing in the big bucks. That Wednesday (33w5d), they came in and did an ultrasound to measure the baby and give an expectation of how everything would be if we delivered at 34 weeks...which would be Friday. The plan was to do an induction at 12N on Friday (34w0d). This whole pregnancy everything has been so easy, not a care in the world...I was gaining weight per the recommended guidelines, no blood pressure issues, and the baby was always measuring smack dab in the middle around the 46th percentile. Now that we were in this predicament, we prepared ourselves to meet our little lady and knew that she probably wouldn't weigh too much, many 3 or 4 lbs. Well, when they did the ultrasound, we were pleasantly surprised...they estimated she would weigh in around 5lbs 5oz. The doctor said if she was off more than 10%, she didn't do something right so it was a pretty good guarantee. I was so happy...she was now in the 65th percentile for her gestation and had a better overall outlook on life. With two more days to go on bed rest, I almost felt at peace with the plan and the rest of the day went well.

Early Thursday (33w6d) morning I woke up suddenly around 4:30 a.m. Something had changed. My body felt different...the baby had totally shifted positions and I felt like I had to go the bathroom all the time as well. I told the night nurse and she was very off putting, almost like she didn't believe me...she said I was probably getting a bladder infection and ordered some meds for that which was completely unnecessary because I was on antibiotics already and told her that I was most likely in labor, AGAIN. I started texting my mom and husband...that's why the contractions started...ones I could actually feel. I also was texting M because she was an OB nurse and would have more insight. M told me that they needed to get my hooked up to the contraction monitor and see what was going on but of course the night nurse wouldn't do it...so I waited until shift change and told the new nurse who took immediate action. They hadn't been checking my cervix because I was on meds to stop labor and there was a risk for infection since my water broke, but around 10AM the doc came in and took a look at everything. They moment she stuck her hand up there, it was like a huge GUSH of warm bath water rushed out of my vajayjay...I was literally like "UH OHHHH." She confirmed I was going into labor on my own, a day early, and that I was dilated to 4 cm. Of course, I freaked out and was like, "NO!!! I'm not 34 weeks yet!!" And they all literally laughed at me because I was like 14 hrs away from 34 weeks. They told me it would be OK...and that it was better to do this on my own than being induced. My mom, hubby and M were all at the hospital and we labored all day...ALL DAY. We tried walking, sitting on balls, bouncing on birthing balls, rocking in a chair...I finally got to the point where I just wanted to sit in the bed and hash it out. My contractions weren't being picked up by the machine all the time, so we did a lot of writing things down and counting on our own...by 6 p.m. that night, I asked for an epidural. This was part of the plan. I've always wanted meds and people who don't have them are honestly CRAZY. No hate. But, you're nuts.  I got my epidural around 7:30PM and I was dialted to 7cm...it was so lovely and didn't hurt one bit. I mean, they had to prick me to numb the injection site but other than that, it was easy peasy. I honestly just felt relieved to have a break in the pain and was actually able to take a nap and watch some TV. Things slowed down and they came in to check on me every so often -- they also did a nurse change around 7PM which freaked me OUT because I had grown fond of my day nurse who had been laboring with me all day...However, it was a blessing in disguise because my new night nurse was an absolute GEM. Her name was Stephanie and she was a husky African American woman who knew her shit. I mean, she was 'da bomb. She told me what was going to happen, how she was going to help me, and what we were going to do to get this baby out safe and sound. I LOVE HER.

But, anyway, back to the story...at midnight, 34 WEEKS (thank you very much!), they came in to check my cervix...I was fully dilated and it was baby time! We woke everyone up and said it was go time! Hubby got suited up in his hospital jump suit and booties and they brought us to the ER. They didn't want me having the baby in the room in case she needed special care plus they wanted to bring her to the warming room as soon as possible after arrival. Everything was very anticlimactic...I was so used to seeing the movies and everyone shooting babies out their cooters as soon as they there fully dilated or the yelling and screaming and crying and whatever else there is. But, for us, it was just another day at the hospital. I remember the doctor talking to the nurses about the weather...I even asked everyone if they were awake and ready. They laughed at me and told me this was their job. I'm sure it would've been a different story if I wasn't on pain meds...but, we went in and had a baby. With my epidural, I couldn't feel much but I could feel enough to know when I was having a contraction and when to push. Stephanie was there and she was a beast, she told me what to do and when to do it. But, I thought it was so funny because once the contraction was over, it was like everyone took a break, twiddled their thumbs... I remember asking or thinking, "Aren't you going to get the baby out?!?!" But, I guess that's not how it worked...I had no clue that you didn't push all the time. That the doctor took a break in between to check the weather...I had no idea why he couldn't just pull her out. I mean, I did all the work until now....so, GET HER OUT.  I remember them saying, "I see lots of hair!" and "We're almost there, just a couple more pushes!" I remember them telling me she was stuck or lodged up against something and that they needed to vacuum her for a second...which scared me and I didn't want but I couldn't say that now, I just wanted her out. I don't remember what hubby was doing...I'm sure he was scared shitless at the top of my head, trying not to see my damaged vagina. But, I only pushed for about 20 minutes and the princess made her arrival, screaming. She was screaming!!! This was so good -- I kept telling hubby while I was crying, "She's crying, she's crying...that means she's working!!!" They threw her on my belly and started the count down...since she was so early, I only got to hold her for 30 seconds. Well, I didn't really get to hold her...I was in shock and shaking. So, they put her on my belly and started cleaning her off while the doctor started the count down. I didn't really know what to do, do I touch her? Hold her? I remember feeling her slimy head of hair and by that time the 30 seconds was up. They took her to the warming room and hubby went with to get our first picture. 

Please, let me introduce you to our baby girl:

Johanna Joy "JoJo"

This was literally 2 minutes out of my uterus....so here is a cleaned up picture!

We love her and are so thankful that nothing went wrong - all is perfect and she weighed in at 5lbs 3oz, 18.5 inches long. Her lungs were developed and she did not need any help whatsoever. She did have to go to the Special Care Nursery for monitoring but other than being early, she is perfect. So very perfect. 

We did end up staying in the Special Care Nursery for 13 days because someone was being a little lazy when it came to eating. She wasn't able to take full feedings by breast or bottle so a GI tube was used until she built up the strength to eat on her own. She was discharged at what would've been 35w6d -- almost 36 weeks gestation. 

Oh my gosh. We had a baby.

30w0d: I don't love you like I used to...

As of last Friday, we are 30 weeks pregnant! So, today that would make us 30w5d. Only 9-10 or so more weeks to go unless this little lady decides to make an appearance earlier. But, we're ready regardless...I'm starting to get a little more uncomfortable. I swear it took me a good 10 minutes just to get my socks on yesterday morning. *OOF I tend to grunt and sigh often when I'm moving around and everything seems to just take more time or make me short of breath. But, I'm still feeling good...just a little funky at times so I just lay low and binge watch Ghost Whisperer when my hubby isn't looking.


We start our "Childbirth Prep" classes tonight -- we're doing the ones that are once a week for 4 weeks. I also visited the doc at 28w5d to take my glucose test and do my first 3rd trimester appointment. I was a little nervous and I think the doc thinks I'm a comedian because of the questions I ask. But, I passed the glucose test with flying colors (thank goodness!) and my appointment went well. He found the baby's heartbeat, 142 bpm; measured my uterus with a tape measure and I was coming in at 29w (right on target!); he also checked my cervix...once that was done, he told me I was "nice and tight." Ha! I felt a little funny, what was I supposed to say? "Thank you?" We go back to the doctor on the 28th and then after that we get bumped down to visiting every 2 weeks instead of every 3.


I keep thinking this is a dream and can't believe how far we have come...I know that's fairly repetitious of me (because I tend to mention it all the time), but honestly it's surreal. The more I think about what we've been through and how far we have come, makes me think deep again and be aware of how thankful I am. I read an article the other day that really made me look at my life and my relationships, particularly the one with my hubby. We've been together now for over 11 years, married for 4...when we first got together, things were so easy. I was healthy and had just kicked cancer's ass for the second time. We were in college, freshman's, starting a new adventure and ready to take on the world. Being in love was so easy, giddy, magical, romantic, fun...I never thought it would ever change. Of course, we went through our ups and downs...had our breaks and came back together. When hubby proposed and we were married, everyone who was anyone gave unsolicited advice about life, marriage, love (and they still do today about making a family, having a baby, etc.). I never took it to heart but did keep some of the suggestions in my back pocket for any potential future needs. It bothered me/us that everyone else thought they were the experts and knew all the right answers, or wrong ones. In this article, there was a couple who was given some "advice." Specifically, they were told the following, "I don't care how much you think you love each other now, just wait. You will look back one day and realize you don't love each other like you used to."


At first glance, you'd think this was absurd, rude...or at least I did. I was like, "What the heck?!" But, I kind of get it -- I get the advice this person/couple told these folks in the article. It was more about the process of marriage, of a relationship and what changes at each stage...from dating, to engagement, to marriage, to children, on and on and on. Life happens...and you don't know what will happen with it. Love changes as life changes...circumstances change, relationships change...you adapt over time. This goes for me and hubby. We never knew we would be going through what we are. We never knew we'd have to deal with infertility, loss, emotional ups and downs. We had to adapt to life's changes and so did our love. I love him not just for his good looks and quirky personality...it's more than that. I love him because he has stuck by my side from the beginning. When I come home from work and want to quit my job because I'm so stressed out, he holds me and helps me build a bridge and realize that life could be so much worse. When I told him we may never be able to have children, he looked me in the eye and said he didn't care because he loves me for me. When we went through the issues of my uterus not working and the doctors not being able to find my eggs/ovaries, he cried with me and let me know that all would be ok. When we had to find an egg donor and go through a genetic matching process, he held my hand and reminded me that this is our child regardless of genes. When we had to just deal with day to day grown up problems...bills, loans, chores...he has always been my rock.


In the past, I wanted to change my hubby's quirky little habits. I wanted him to be more excitable, more outgoing, more communicative. But, now, I look back and realize, I don't need that. I appreciate and am thankful for his cool, calm demeanor. He helps me relax and pulls me down off that ledge before I jump over into crazy town. We balance each other out so perfectly that I want to go back to all those people in college, who said we'd never make it, and tell them they were wrong.


I love my husband just as much as I did when we were married, but the love I have now is deeper, stronger and I love him for different reasons. Reasons that I never would have guessed when we first started dating, when we were engaged, when we were married...I don't love my hubby like I used to, I love him more and never will we ever love each other less.

Infertility: A Thorn in My Side

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9


This post is deep for me...I usually don't go into the dark corners of my brain but at church this past weekend, we spoke of our weaknesses and how God uses these weakness to teach us lessons in order to help us grow and be better people. We were asked to pinpoint our greatest weakness and think about how God can use this weakness to make us better, wiser, deeper and stronger. 2 Corinthians goes so far to say, "I delight in my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. For in our weaknesses and difficulties, God's power will shine through."


I asked myself what technically qualifies as a weakness, because I must have a TON. We tend to try and change our weakness whether they be emotional, physical, relational...we try to hide them from others because we are ashamed and embarrassed. They let us know that a weakness is any limitation that we wish we didn't have and that often times we can do nothing about. Lust, lying, overeating, over drinking, etc. are not weakness...but, physical limitations such as illness, hearing/eyesight issues, etc. are. Age is a limitation. There are relational limitations...spouses aren't supportive, troubled children, etc. There are also emotional limitations such as depression, anxiety, worry, loss of temper, etc. This is just pointing out a few...but, these limitations are what God has allowed for us, for whatever reason (that we probably don't understand...at least I don't).

This resonated with me and all that kept creeping into my mind was cancer and infertility. These are my greatest weaknesses. From a more overall perspective, illness is my greatest weakness. Our culture makes us believe that we have to do things and conquer all odds alone. From the ripe old age of 16, I cried out to the Lord and told Him that I can NOT do cancer on my own. I can not conquer this burden alone and asked him, "WHY ME?" I wished I didn't have my illness and wanted to change it all. I pleaded with God that he would take this illness away from me...it was a "Thorn in my side." But, if God's power shows up best in our weakness, why would God take it away?


With His help, we conquered that battle yet to find another one He had placed in my path. Infertility. Again, a limitation, a weakness that he has allowed in my life that I can not change but wish were different. I again pleaded to Him, asking Him to take this away from me...it was another "Thorn in my side." I continually tell myself that He has a bigger plan for me and that all this is happening for a reason. Recently, I also had a friend tell me that regardless of the outcome given to me in my life, I find a way to get around it and change what people tell me and do what I can, to get what I want.

A weakness can actually turn into a strength and forces you to focus on other areas of your life to make you stronger and better overall. I am a stronger and better person overall because of what I've been through. I wouldn't change anything as I look back at where I was and where I have come. Everything happens for a reason...even if we don't know what that reason is.

27w0d: I was bored and updated my Blog template. You're still in the right place!

Don't worry! You're in the right place...I changed the blog template because I was getting sick of all the orange. It was like BAM! So, a little change is good for all.


Friday marks 27 weeks COMPLETE. Crazy :)


Over the last week, I've felt a few changes...this little peanut was in a good schedule for activity and we could basically predict her "busy" times and "down" times. This week, however, she must be changing things up...because the kicks and pokes are starting to feel more like rolls and her times are off! She's still bouncing around in there but not at the same times as before. I'm still sleeping really well and she doesn't wake me up at night so keep your fingers crossed that it stays that way for the long haul.


I keep trying to think about this lovely glucose test I get to take at the beginning of September. Maybe I'll pass because my body is so used to my sugar intake it won't be shocked by the lovely drink they make you chug? If the test does come back positive, at least we'll know and be able to accommodate any new dietary changes or whatever else comes with GD. I'd rather know than not know...and it's funny to me that people try to change their "ways" just to pass the test and not have to take the 3hr or have GD. Like I said, it's better for me and the baby if it is positive so we can do better in the long run. With that being said, I can't stop eating donuts, sweets, cakes, etc. Everyone just drops them off at my desk like they have ESP and the baby secretively told them to GIVE ME SUGAR. I mean, COME ON! ha.


I've had more "round ligament" pain this week...I think that's what it is at least. The doc asked if I have had any contractions yet and I told him, "No." Then asked him if I would know or not, and he smirked a little and said usually and told me what they feel like. He thought my other pains were ligament pains, too. They are just more sharp/jabby and in my lower abdomen, predominately on the left side. They usually go away quick or after I stretch a little.


My mom is coming into town this weekend and she is so darn excited to see this baby. She always gets right in my belly and asks, "How's our baby doing today?!" and I'm like, "Mom, you do know that this is MY baby, right?" Haha -- good intentions but sometimes she's a little over the top. Speaking of over the top, my co-worker's wife is also prego and he's crazy. I mean, all he does is research and he really should be working. Then he relays all this information he "learns" to me and makes me feel like a complete idiot when it comes to the baby. Apparently, they are the "all natural" kind of people...he even said that for the first 6 months anything the baby uses, eats, wears, etc. is going to be organic and I almost hung up the phone on him because he's nuts. Now, I'm not trying to offend anyone out there who is granola and likes to do things that way. Fine by me. But, I can't afford it and I like to eat cake. Speaking of cake, I ate this yesterday....#NOMNOMNOM

25w0d: Last Ultrasound?

I love Fridays. On Friday's, I get a new app update for my weeks of being pregnant. I know it's silly but I literally anticipate which new vegetable, pastry or "weird but cute" critter my Ovia app will tell me the baby is for that week -- I have other apps too, but this one sure is fun! Today, baby is the size of a prairie dog.

This little peanut is almost 14 inches long and is weighing in just under 2lbs. Per my readings, baby has an increased likelihood of surviving preterm birth at this point although we are not ready for her to make an appearance just yet! I honestly can't believe we're 25 weeks along (and I know I say that every time) but it's just so surprising and I honestly think I'm still dreaming.


Over the last week and weekend, we have gotten A LOT done...Hubby finished painting the nursery, assembled the crib and dresser/changing table. We got our registries going at Babies R Us and Target. We (I) also found almost all the décor for the baby's room and just need to start assembling and hanging pictures -- I'll have to make a separate post when the nursery is finished just for fun!


We also had our follow up ultrasound on Monday to get pictures of this little peanut's feet and umbilical cord insertion on her belly. She was vertex this time, so it was easier to get pictures -- she was still bouncing all over the place but, last time, she was breech and stubborn. Here are some pics!

How cute are these little feet? Side by side...perfect.

Here is one foot...you can count the bones/toes.

And, foot number two! Look at that arch, the big toe..so fun.

Love this picture!

This one is pretty cute too...during the "show," she kept arching her back and stretching out. It's almost like she's smiling in this one...look at those lips and that little button nose!! EEK!

For the next picture, you'll have to put on your imagination hats...it's 3D and she wasn't being very cooperative but we got one! The babe was pushed up against the left side of my belly and hugging the placenta, so it's not the best picture but once you see her face, it's awesome. Pretend that you're looking at someone straight on -- you'll be looking right in her eyes and should see a little button nose, mouth and a hand trying to cover up her mouth. Hope you can see it!

Don't worry, all that other "debris" isn't really there...it's just leftover junk because the ultrasound has to go through my skin, the placenta, etc. just to get to baby. It sounds like this will be the last ultrasound before we meet the little lady...unless something out of the ordinary arises and we need to check in on things. We can't wait to meet this babe...It's just going to be such a miracle to hold her in our arms and tell her we've been waiting for her for so long. AND nope, we don't have ANY names picked out. HA!

Other than that, all is going really well -- the doctor said to just keep doing what I'm doing. We do need to start thinking about birth plans, classes and what will happen once this little peanut is here. The next time I go in, I get to do the lovely glucose test...I'm trying not to stress about it because I can't really change the outcome...so it is what it is.

Soon to come, Nursery update with pictures :)

CHEERS TO 25 weeks!!

23w0d: Baby Fever...Oh Dear!

It's here....Baby Fever! (Is that even what they call it?) Oh my gosh...Not sure what hit but, I woke up this morning and all I want to do is buy things...I WANT IT ALL. Maybe, it's because it's Friday and I'm excited for the weekend...but, I want registries, I want clothes, I want the nursery to be done...I want to buy stuff for the nursery. I want the house to be clean and organized, I want the clutter to be gone. Hubby has to talk me off the ledge because now, that's all I want to do. THEN I get upset because we're gone every weekend and don't have time to do ANYTHING.


Is this what they call nesting? I looked it up on the big G and this is what it says...."Nesting is common and is considered to be an instinct to prepare for birth, but not all pregnant women experience the nesting instinct. It is common for women to get the urge to clean and organize during the spring, thus the old adage, “spring cleaning.” I'm not cleaning necessarily but we just bought a new house, so we're constantly fixing things, putting things way, etc. We bought a new sectional and kitchen dining room set. We put up a fence for the dogs and the baby (since our new house is on a pond). We've picked out paint colors and lights for the nursery, reconstructed the closets, etc...busy, busy. But, now, I want things to be put into place so I can rest easy knowing everything is done. I want to make sure we're registering and purchasing the right items, I want it all done NOW. I know this "feeling" will get stronger as time progresses but I just am so excited and almost energetic about it all, and a little stressed. Poor hubby :)

We did make this lovely purchase recently...or I did. Haven't even told hubby yet because he thinks I'm crazy and spend way too much money when I'm not supposed to. BUT, I just couldn't resist. I'm obsessed. It's a newborn outfit and if you haven't noticed, my Minnesotan accent always comes out, even when I type, and I say "OH DEAR!" all the time...this just suits us so well. PLUS, it has a deer on it and the baby will be born close to hunting season. Just perfect. Now, let's just hope it fits because I want her to wear this on her way home from the hospital! AGH! I just love it. But, back to nesting...I told my hubby last night that every weekend in August, when we are home, we need to make sure we are using our time and prepping for baby. We need to paint, we need to register, we need to clean...we need to get ready. You never know what will happen...so, we must be prepared!


Also, this baby must be having dance parties in my belly because Good Lord does she bounce around. I feel so much, it almost makes me feel like I have a little motion sickness at times! Hubby did want to feel her move yesterday, so we sat down on the couch and I figured out where she was in utero. He put his hand on my belly and I told him to apply some pressure and just wait. Each time she would move, I would ask him "Did you feel that?!" and his response would be, "No..." I'd look at him every time I could feel her and than finally he was like, "I think I felt it!" But, then he seemed kind of disappointed and not jumping for Joy. I was like, "ISN'T IT SOOOO COOL?!?!" He told me, "Well, I thought it was going to be like a fist pump...ya know, baby saying HEY DAD!" I just laughed because she's not strong enough to do that, so right now, it feels like little flicks on against your hand. I guess it was a little anti-climactic for hubby but he still thought it was pretty cool...those silly men of ours!

Am I missing something???

So, I guess I have a little more on my mind right now because I've been around some other Prego's lately and I'm starting to second guess myself. Normally, I'm a very put together person...I like to plan and prep; I like to be organized and ready for anything that may come my way. However, with this pregnancy, I've been calm, somewhat relaxed (when I can be)....because I know it's good and helpful for baby. I haven't been stressing out over a ton of things and now I'm wondering if I should be or should've done this sooner????

I mean, I've been trying to eat well and healthy when I can (and don't have crazy cravings), I've only put on 8.5lbs and I'm almost 23 weeks -- I did start out on the heavier size for my height. I've been taking my prenatal and trying to exercise (walking the dogs) when I can. I'm getting good sleep, resting when my body needs it, and drinking lots of water. But, I haven't been asking crazy questions to the doctor. I haven't been overanalyzing every lotion, cream, spray I use on my body. I haven't been stressing out about daycare or finding a childcare provider. I haven't even started a nursery, picked out strollers, car seats, bouncers, diapers, etc. Should I be doing this? Am I not going to be ready for this baby?

The reason I'm asking all this is because lots of people who are currently pregnant have been giving me feedback about their doctors appointments, the questions they ask, all the things they are doing to plan/prep and I feel like I'm not in the same boat! One of my friends said she actually had long lists of questions she brought with to the doctor each visit for him to answer...and I was like "Wha?!" I mean, I've had a few questions here and there but I figured if anything was wrong or if he wanted me to know something specifically, he'd tell me, right? Am I missing something?? Oh dear...I'm freaking out. At the beginning, we had lots of questions because we were transferred from the fertility clinic and I was still on crazy meds and stuff but now, I'm a "normal" person and haven't had much to ask about -- I mean, every website, pregnancy app, etc. out there tells you so much....I just feel like I'm getting more than enough information without having to bug the doctor about it. Maybe I'm in the wrong and need to do more or maybe I'm ok...I'm just freaking out.
OK -- lets take a break from this stress and look at baby pictures. Here are more from the CD we got at our Anatomy scan!

Apparently this is the face...I can't see it.

This is the "nose/lips" -- I can actually see this one...the tech basically told us it's like looking UP your nose, from below...so you have to change the context in which you are thinking.

Here is a little hand and fingers -- you can see the thumb on the left and the fingers on the right all sprawled out.




















So, other than my crazy rant above...things are going really well. EXCEPT my ankles don't like the heat and humidity...every once in a while, they flare up and I need to rest them. But, I'm feeling good. I did have a guy from work come up to me today to congratulate me on being pregnant. He's newer but has been here for a good 4-5 months. Verbatim, this is what he said, "Joy, is it true?? I heard you are pregnant! Congratulations!" I looked at him, then down at my watermelon belly and back up at him again with this puzzled look on my face and said, "Yes, Kevin, I'm over half way pregnant hence the smuggled watermelon I carry under my clothes." Oh dear...haha. Yes. I'm sarcastic and not a nice person, but it's funny! haha

22w0d

As I sit here at work, not working, my mind can not turn off. All that goes through it is "what if's?," worries, concerns...It doesn't stop. Regardless of the day, time, place...it keeps plunging these horrifying ideas into my head. This brain, it does not shut down.

Up until this point, I have been somewhat calm...friends have actually made comments about how relaxed I seemed and level headed about the whole situation....you know, bringing a child into the world that you've basically been yearning for since the age of 5. I'm not sure what is happening this week, but good Lord. I wake up in the middle of the night with worry; during the day, if I don't feel this little peanut move as much as the day before, I freak out. We even felt the baby on the outside of my belly this week and you'd think that would be a huge exciting relief of JOY. But, now, every day I don't feel it or maybe I'm just not paying attention, I FREAK OUT.

I try to self meditate...to calm myself down...say a prayer, basically talk myself off the ledge and remember what is here and now. Usually that works but I'm not sure why this is happening all of a sudden. I want this pregnancy to be about the JOY and miracles it took to make it happen. I don't want to worry, be afraid, anxious or concerned.

I think we're finally realizing how long it took to get this far and how much was put into this baby. The money, the time, the tears, the laughter -- 12 years ago, when I was going through my battle with leukemia, I never knew the repercussions it would have and the spiral we'd be sent into when trying to start a family. Now, it's coming full circle and I just want to be thankful that we had options and that we got this far. But, instead my mind is going to deep, dark places that I don't even want to reiterate in writing or verbally.


My mantra from here on out? See below.

**Bumpies are updated!**

20 Weeks (19w5d): Anatomy Scan Results

Well, well --- so much to talk about!


We had our Anatomy Scan last week on Wednesday, July 6th. We were technically 19w5d...typically, these scans are done between 20-21 weeks so, we were able to get in a little earlier than most.


Baby is good, healthy, normal. The heartbeat was 155bpm -- the last couple visits, it's been right around 150, so very consistent. Baby was measuring in at 10oz, ranking in the 45th percentile which is basically, smack dab in the middle, and great! Doc said that if we were to have waited a week or so, the weight would've gone up to 14-16oz and that we'd be surprised by how only a couple days makes such a difference with weight changes and growth at this point of pregnancy. But, again, no concerns whatsoever (and honestly, that's all we cared about...just wanted happy and healthy!). Also, my placenta is posterior so that is why I was able to feel the baby so early and now, so consistently. Doc said that as baby gets stronger, I'm going to feel so much movement that it most likely will keep me awake or I'll have trouble getting to sleep at night...lovely (BUT AWESOME!).


Our sonographer, Miranda, was an absolute gem. I literally walked into this appointment shaking and riddled with anxiety because I was so nervous something would be wrong. She calmed my nerves and really made the whole process very enjoyable. The only thing was that we have a very stubborn, stinker of a baby in this uterus. Baby did NOT want to cooperate. Every time Miranda wanted to get a belly picture, foot picture, heart picture...you name it, baby would flip and basically be like "SCREW YOU!" I was drinking lemonade and walking around the ultrasound room trying to get this little peanut to switch positions but baby just wanted to stick that butt up in the air, head down, spine up...I swear we worked on pictures for almost two hours. Miranda even had to move the table to an inverted position so it felt like I was standing on my head. Baby was extremely active and bounced around all the time --- maybe this baby will be a gymnast, because it was flipping and flopping and making things very difficult for Miranda to get good pictures. However, she did get the majority of them except for the umbilical cord insertion on the baby and feet photos. We met with Doc afterwards and he had no concerns at all...everything looked good and progress was right on track. Based on measurements, we were still on the same due date we got at the beginning of this journey. He said that if we wanted, we could come back in to get the last couple pictures, but it wasn't needed. So, of course, I said "SURE!" Why not come back and see baby again? Miranda said we could do some 3D pics too :)


It was so amazing to be able to see everything on the TV screen and the monitor all at the same time. Hubby's face just lit up when he realized, yet again, that this was really happening. Miranda asked us right away if we wanted to know the sex of the baby...before she could finish the question, hubby and I both said "YES" before she could even finish asking. We're not the kind of people who are able to keep secrets well...I think if we would've waited and had her put the gender in an envelope, I would've gone crazy. We weren't planning to have a gender reveal party either...just would try to take some pictures, once we knew the gender, to reveal to friends and family.


So, want to see some pictures?? These are the ones they printed for us, but I also have a whole CD (but, I haven't uploaded those yet...so maybe next time!):

This is a great pic and this is how baby wanted to be in order to not get pictures :)

Profile time for baby...look at that little peanut NOSE! Hands are up by the face.

And here you have it....the money shot! Gender!!

It's a GIRL!!!! We're so excited...I cried on the table, convulsed actually. I can't even describe it! You should've seen my hubby's face :) Here are some of our gender pictures we took over the weekend to share the news with our friends and family:

It's a GIRL :)

19w0d

19 weeks down...almost halfway done. I honestly am still in shock. Is this really happening? I try to cherish each day and remember everything that's going on because who knows, this could be the only time we go through this process.

How have things been going? Good. Really good. My energy has come back, I feel normal and I'm able to go almost all night without having to get up to pee every 2 hours. The only thing that has started to bug me a little is my water retention...I've noticed that when I over exert myself or eat bad foods consecutively, my feet and ankles turn into tree trunks. They get back to normal overnight but I need to pay attention to my sodium intake. I've only gained 5lbs so far, so that's good. I started out heavy so based on a standards website for pregnancy weight gain, I'm right on track.

I'm still having cravings for everything sweet...ice cream, maple donuts, gummy candy, cookies...you name it! And what's really funny is that I've NEVER been a sweets person... I was an olive eating, salt and vinegar chip kind of girl and that is not the case anymore.

I've been feeling the little peanut since week 15...but now, it's becoming more and more consistent. It honestly feels like someone is punking me and taking a feather to my belly for tickling pleasure. Sometimes I don't even realize it and I'm scratching my stomach trying to get the sensation to go away...then I'm like OH WAIT! THAT IS BABY. Crazy. I can't wait till I can feel the rolling motions of the ocean in there and when we can distinguish which limb is bumping and running into what.

We go in on Wednesday to do our 20 week ultrasound. Everyone at work, friends and family are so excited to know what the gender is of the little peanut. But, I honestly don't care about that...I just want to know we have a happy, healthy babe in there. We'll be happy with either gender...boy or girl, don't care. Although my hubby really wants a little girl...so we shall see!! Stay tuned :)