Self-Sabotage?

Last night, I had a heart to heart with myself in the car on my way home from the ball game downtown. All I could think of was drinking beer, eating fried food, and stopping at some fast food venue on my drive home to get "snacks" because I just wanted to eat. "Chicken McNuggets, fries and a strawberry shake, please!"

For some reason, I can't snap out of my awful habits or at least stop thinking about them even when I have such a huge goal right in front of me! I honestly think my brain is self-sabotaging me and I don't really know it or recognize it. I mean, we are going to have our first transfer in September...SEPTEMBER. You would think that my excitement and desire to be healthy, live my life, and reach my goals would be top of mind, an easy task to accomplish with such great news. But, even though I think I'm excited and I think I'm ready...my brain might be freaking out, subconsciously telling me to eat crap, drink shiz, and not exercise because that will have a negative affect on my transfer and potentially not give us a baby. WHEN THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT!

Yes, I'm freaking out. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I'm nervous. Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I'm happy. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I question every decision. Yes, I question every THING. But, this has been a goal of mine for 10+ years, so why is it so hard for me to switch off the bad habits, the negativity, the craziness in my brain and CONTINUE TO REACH MY GOALS?

I've been working on becoming more balanced, losing weight and eating healthy and for some reason, as soon as we gave the "OK," all of that went to the crapper! So, like I said, I had a little heart to heart with myself last night. I had to regroup and tell myself that regardless of what's going on...I need to make the best decisions for myself, my family, and my baby. I need to realize that "not being included" in something is far LESS important than making my body unbalanced and potentially screwing up a transfer. I need to continue on my journey to health gold, continue to exercise, continue to eat well because I'll need to do that when we're pregnant anyway (the best that I can). So, from this day forward, until the transfer and from then on out, I will make good decisions, I will NOT feel "left out" because I know I'm making the best choices for our family and I will remember that there is a far larger goal and plan other than the "right now!"

....and, YES, I will need reminders, so please HELP! :)

Phone is Dead.

So, over our crazy weekend, my phone was demolished! Not really, but it doesn't work... it's out of business and the screen is broken. I can still hear when people call and see when there is a notification, but I can't do ANYHTING because the screen is black. I was soooo mad because all I wanted was the pictures from the phone from the weekend and they didn't get saved to my SD card AND we can't transfer them to the computer because I have to have a lock screen due to my work email being on my cell. SO, my engineer of a husband is going to figure it out (hopefully!) and get the phone unlocked...they are sending me a new one because I had insurance coverage - thank goodness! It's been nice to be "checked out" a bit from the world of social media. As long as people know how to get a hold of me, it's definitely less stressful not having to worry about checking my phone :)

With that being said, I had to email the clinic and let them know if they needed me ,to call my work phone or email. I guess it was a good thing that I did that because they had some more updates. Apparently, they are sending out a packet of info with all the details and RX's in them (but they told me 2 weeks ago this was being sent out back then but apparently, that was wrong). I'm still super confused and I'm sure it's because we haven't had our RN consult...but, I start to worry and have anxiety about it because it doesn't make any sense to me. *fret, fret, fret*

They told me yesterday that I actually do not need to do the Lupron injections due to my medical history. Of course, I was like "WHY NOT?!" (I was actually excited to start SOMETHING at the beginning of August) - I don't get it (mainly because I don't know what the drugs do, why we use them or for what reason because NO ONE HAS TOLD ME). Of course, I reached out to M and was like WTF?

She said that because my ovaries are not functioning, there is no need for down-regulation, therefore no need for Lupron (money saved - ca ching! $$). BUT, then I started questioning everything else...because if I'm not doing Lupron, I don't really have anything to start until August 18th. Then, they told me to stop by BC on August 12...but, then I was like, "I'm going to get a period!!!" and I guess they want me to have a lining shed prior to starting anything else. They then want me to come in on the 17th to measure my uterine lining because they want to start with a blank slate. She said at my baseline ultrasound, they want my lining to be thin so it can be watched to make sure it builds up to a good implantation thickness. Then, I start asking 'What if that's not enough time?' 'What if it doesn't work?!?!'

They will recheck again on the 31st and she said if it isn't enough time, they will push everything out slightly or add patches/other protocol to ensure it's thick enough. I just want to scream a little because you'd think that they would want people informed so they don't bug the clinic ALL THE TIME. ARG.

But, that's my little update today....we go in on August 5th at 8AM for the consult and the packet should arrive tomorrow. *fingers crossed*

Also, I forgot to mention that M got her drug reps to cover the costs of almost ALL of the donor meds! And because I don't need the Lupron, we're saving more money...which is GREAT.

 

Weekend.

Well, it's been pretty quiet around here...just waiting again :) Since we made our decision and moved forward, there hasn't really be much to report. We're literally just waiting until the first week in August to get the low down on the "plan" and what'll happen. Other than that....I honestly don't know what's up. Ha!

BUT, what I do know is that I was able to go to one of my best friend's bachelorette party this weekend! It was such a great time...lots of laughter, food, drinks, etc. Probably had a little TOO much fun, but it'll definitely be a time to remember! I didn't really "wake up" this morning and feel better until 2PM!!!! Uffda.

I actually was thinking that this could be a "last hoorah!" I mean, in a little over a month, we could be pregnant. Kind of surreal. Fingers crossed!

OMG. I'm Freaking OUT.

OMG. I'm freaking out.

We were approved for ATTAIN, all of the paperwork is in and approved.

Our loan is official and monies have been wired to ATTAIN.

AND, I just got off the phone with the clinic and we have a TENTATIVE CYCLE SCHEDULE.

I honestly can't believe this is actually happening...I never thought we would get to this point. Especially being that only a little over a year ago, we never even had met Dr. C yet or visited the clinic. Good Lord. I'm literally sitting here in my little cube space at work, shaking, unable to focus, because all I want to do is run up and down the hallways screaming, "IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING, WE'RE ACTUALLY DOING THIS!!! MAMA IS GONNA GET HERSELF A BABY!!!!!" Throw in a cartwheel or two, too!

Eventually my boss is going to come over here and say, "Um....are you ok? Because you haven't done ANY work for the last week!" Haha - now, I don't know if that would really happen because I tend to be good at "covering up" my blogging and excitement, but still... I'm always looking over my shoulder! I just can't believe all the craziness that has happened in the last two weeks. I really can't believe it.

Along this infertility journey, we've already met so many wonderful people that have been cheerleaders for us and our future family. It's really hard for me to comprehend how these people are so compassionate and excited about our outcomes, cheering us on and being our prayer warriors. It boggles my mind that people we don't even know are praying for us, thinking of us, hoping for us and wishing nothing but good things for us while on this path to a family. I can truly say that I feel the hope and positivity shining down on us, so keep it coming because we are so appreciative! :) I have also been privileged enough to find other women, couples, and families who are going through their own struggles of infertility...some explained, some unexplained. Many stories, many histories, many backgrounds, all varying in their complexity but similar nonetheless. It's an honor to follow along in their journeys exuding my hope, prayers, and love their way...just like many of them have done for us.

OK, that was my "This is what I'm thankful for Today" moment....I've kept you waiting long enough...these dates will be firm as long as all is OK with the donor...so, here's our tentative TIMELINE!!!

7/19/15 - Start taking my active BC pills (the ones that I have been on for 6 months already...they basically just want me to continue)
8/5/15 - RN Consultation - go over all the specifics...details about what the donor has to do, what we have to do, all the medicines, how to administer medicine, any questions, concerns, etc.
8/8/15 - Start Lupron injections
8/12/15 - Last BC pills/all done!
8/17/15 - Ultrasound/lining check/blood draw
8/18/15 - Start additional hormones (Estrace et al - she didn't get into these specifically on the phone)
8/31/15 - Ultrasound/lining check/blood draw
9/6/15 thru 9/10/15 - Scheduled Retrieval with donor (dependant on how the donor responds, Hubby will be given a two day notice of when he needs to come in and give his sperm sample)
9/11/15 thru 9/18/15 - Scheduled EMBRYO TRANSFER (OMGOMGOMGOMG)

Is this really happening?!

DAIRY IS THE DEVIL.

Ok. So this post is completely unrelated to our fertility journey but was basically discovered ON it. Thought I'd share....DAIRY IS THE DEVIL. MY BODY HATES IT. I don't know how much I have "talked" about this but a few posts back you saw that I did a Whole30 challenge that basically cut out dairy, sugar, carbs, liquor, etc. for 30 days. Since then, I've been trying to re-introduce these items back in to see if there are any issues.

A couple years ago, I was tested for allergies and they claimed that I was "allergic" to dairy...not lactose intolerant. Most of the time, people get these two things confused or think they are the same, but they are completely different entities. Lactose intolerance is basically the inability to digest lactose, a natural sugar found in milk and dairy products. Whereas a milk/dairy allergy refers to your body/immune system reacting abnormally to a foreign substance, aka cow's milk and other types of milk or products containing milk. Regardless of the specifics, with both of these, it is recommended to completely avoid and/or limit drastically your dairy consumption.

When the doc told me this, I was like BOGUS. I've eaten, drank, LOVED milk, cheese, yogurt, pizza, etc. my whole life. I haven't had a single symptom or sign saying that I'm "allergic to dairy." He kind of laughed at me and said, "You know your inflammation issues, your intestinal issues, your weight issues, your gas and bloating issues (and mind you the list goes on and on and on), those are all symptoms of your body FIGHTING against the dairy aka foreign substance in your body that it HATES. He basically told me that if I were to cut it out for a longer period of time and then try to reintroduce it back in, I would see a clearer picture of the specific symptoms and feel 100% better while NOT consuming dairy. Of course, I didn't listen and two years passed by.

It wasn't until I did this Whole30 in May and that's when I saw the light....I literally cut all the crap out of my diet and BOOM, I felt sooooo much better. I thought to myself, maybe he was right??? But, I had to test out the theory...so, even though I felt better, had no gas or bloating, no abdominal discomfort, less inflammation...I decided to try to introduce dairy back into my life because, let's face it....I LOVE PIZZZZZZZZZZZA. Well, SH*T hit the fan literally...I mean, it was BAD. I couldn't go two steps away from the toilet, it was honestly coming out of both ends at the same time (I know, TMI...sorry). BUT, it was bad. I told myself, I'm never eating dairy again...I can't believe this...

Well, for whatever reason, my head doesn't get it even when my body is telling it to stop and convulses to the point where I have to lay in the fetal position on our bed, holding my tummy. Why is it so hard for me to give up something I love even though I know it'll make me feel better?!?!?! I dont' get it and it happened again today at work. Good Lord. Would someone please slap me and say, "It's your choice, you know how you're going to feel. DO NOT EAT THE DAIRY!!! DAIRY is the DEVIL!"

After the OK

Since we gave the "OK" yesterday, things are sure flying by! The clinic has been in touch via email and phone updating us on next steps each day, preparing all of our information for the Attain program, and helping with financing. They have been extremely helpful with my husband who only sees in black and white, especially when it comes to the monetary aspect of things :) I'm honestly getting extremely excited when initially I was fearful. The clinic said that as soon as Attain approves our medical application (which usually only takes 24 hours), we'll be able to sit down and start putting dates together, figuring out medications, and basically scheduling the transfer...HOLY MOLY!!!!!!!!!! It's also nice that we took out our loan with a company/bank that works specifically with Attain - they do all the communication, payments, and correspondence; all we have to do is pay the bills. Super Simple (but, we did have our issues initially :))

I even received a random email from my dad today...we were talking about some other things going on in life and he basically said to not worry about pleasing everyone else and to only do what is right for you. After all the things I was afraid of, his approval being one of them, he sends this email to me not even know what we're going through. It made me think that maybe he turned over a new leaf and would be more accepting of our decision, when we do decide to tell him, knowing that we can only do what's best for us and our family. His words, verbatim, "You can't worry about pleasing everyone. If you do, you're going to go crazy. You have to do what you have to do. If people can't understand that, then it's too bad!" Nice.

OK...I'm totally bringing out the "FREAKIN' AWESOME" pic again :) Yes. Sometimes I feel like I'm riding on a white unicorn over a rainbow of happiness and screaming my success to the world...other days, I feel like I'm lurking underneath a dark bridge, on a sidewalk somewhere, shaking my coffee cup at strangers asking for a penny!

 

Take My Hand and Lead Me On

This morning hubby and I woke up, got ready for the day, made breakfast and went to church. Things were the same as usual, the sun was out and the radio played. We both knew that this was the last day before we had to make our final decision for our donor...no more extensions, no more questions, no more excuses. Financing has been decided, payments have been planned. All we need to do now is say, "YES." 

It's hard to believe we are actually at the point where we can move forward comfortably in the direction of our dreams and goals. Yet, I was at church this morning and a song was sung that spoke to my heart...my tears poured out over my cheeks and lips. The kind of tears that just happen in the moment. The kind you do not necessarily want to shut off or wipe away. The kind of tears that mean you are actually feeling something and having a significant moment in your life. The kind of tears that gently are released and slowly make their way to the ground. The words hit home -- we're in a process of waiting because we are pilgrims on a journey. But, as long as I understand that there is a bigger, greater being in control, lifting my head above the waves and keeping me from stumbling. Guiding me in my times of weakness and giving me the strength to push through, guarding my soul and taking my hand to lead me in the direction of what He knows is the right path. 

Take a listen to the song, maybe it will reach a part of you like it did for me:

Music has always been an outlet for my mind, body, and soul. When I sing, it opens up my heart and soul like an internal massage for my entire bodily system. Without music, I would not be able to function, breathe, or live. It is a part of me every day and every minute. I dream about being able to rock my child to sleep, to soothe them with my voice...with melodies flowing through my mouth onto the ears of a sleeping baby just like my mother did for me as a child. My mom taught me how to sing by sharing her gift of harmony. By showing me what it means to carry a tune, to sing in front of an audience, to not be afraid to let my sound be heard. She taught me that music can touch your heart and soul, it can release happiness, sadness, anger. It is a way of praying, of talking to God, of being one with yourself. I want to do that for my children...I want them to hear my voice ringing through the rooftops, I want them to join in and not have a care in the world. 

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow we make the decision. Tomorrow we take another tiny step forward on this long journey. And even though at times, I feel like I'm coming undone and the walk can sometimes feel lonely, I will find hope and stand my ground knowing that no matter what, the Lord can hear our cries and His love is lifting us above all things. This song says it better....

I guess I should've called this post "MUSIC" :) Here we go!

Crazy Brain.

Yesterday, I had one of my monthly appointments with Ms. N who is my holistic practitioner and who is becoming a great friend and ally. I typically go there about 3 times a month as I'm on the journey of self worth and balance and becoming unstuck :) (in order to better prepare my "house" for a 9-month guest!). As soon as we got "the call" the other week, I emailed her immediately to let her know...she was so excited, more than me, I think!

Well, since then as you all know, we're stressing out and trying to figure out details and financing, etc. She literally told me I had CRAZY BRAIN and reassured me that my body was ready and that I have come so far from where I was when we first chatted and met. She reminded me that I need to be proud of the changes I've made and the commitments I have to being healthier and becoming more balanced. Then she said to BREATHE and starting putting "points" in my HEAD! I've never had acupuncture points or needles in my head! It was so crazy -- usually, she puts the points all over my feet, ankles, shins, wrists, right above my nose and sternum. But, NOT MY HEAD. It was weird and I could totally tell I was tense and stressed...usually the points don't hurt but last night I could feel everything, every one that went in, every prick.

When I'm all "pointed" up, I basically get to lay down and meditate for 30-40 minutes, alone in a dark room with soothing music on. It's very relaxing and peaceful and I really look forward to it every week. But, this week was different. I had so much going through my mind, I couldn't "shut it off." She was right, I totally had CRAZY BRAIN...the thoughts and feelings came rushing through my body. Of course, they were of the future, the baby, my family... you name it, it was in my head. I'm a worry wart and put the cart way before the horse all the time and now, I'm doing it again.

Ms. N basically told me what was going to happen with her and what her role will be in our transfer process (once we make a decision). She also has a lot of knowledge of what they will have me do in preparation for the transfer being she works with the clinic and of course, that freaked me out. I'm afraid of the shots. Apparently, I'll need to get or give myself shots for weeks before and after the transfer. A subcutaneous (just under the skin) shot in the belly and a big old muscle shot in the rear. You'd think after everything I've been through, this would be a piece of cake...I mean, I was hospitalized for 2 years and beat Cancer's ass twice...this is chump change. NOT! When I was in the hospital, I found out all the LOVELY things they could do for people so they don't have to feel ANY sort of pain and NOW, I'm a BIG FAT BABY.

You wanna stick this in your bum???



But, really, on a more serious note...I'm really nervous about my family specifically my dad, his parents/my paternal grandparents, and my aunt/his sister. We grew up strict Catholics...so many specifics, rules, and guidelines were pounded into your head. Don't get me wrong, this culture formed my views, my routines, and my relationship with a higher power but I also had my mother's point of view guiding me towards a different relationship a more personal one revolving around music, love and laughter. Throughout my whole life, I felt like there was a slight judgement in actions being made whether it was dating a boy, taking birth control, or even thinking about "getting help" for pregnancy. Everyone was so close minded and black and white. When I got sick, went through treatment and returned home, I recall very clearly my Graduation party at my Grandparents home. All of our friends and family attended even our priest...he came up to me and basically told me I was going to go to Hell if I didn't repent because I haven't been to church in two years (due to my cancer battle). My grandmother was so appalled, she literally kicked him out of the house and that's when I drifted far, far away from Catholicism. 

I don't mean to get into the religious side of things but you might have gotten the hint that I'm a very passionate/spiritual person...Everything happens for a reason and you never know when you'll take your last breathe...so live each day as if it's your last. I'm accepting of all human beings knowing that everyone has good inside of them regardless of their color, race, sexuality, past history...you name it. My God loves and accepts everyone and that's that. Anyway, I'm scared. I don't want to tell my dad, my grandparents, my aunt anything about what's going on. I don't want to tell anyone unless they are in our Circle of Trust. 

I don't want to hear their harsh words, I don't want to see their stares of judgement, I do not, NOT want them to be a part of our future child's life...and if that means not telling them the super specifics, we won't. With what they believe, or what I think they believe, I'm sure they will think we're going to Hell or that we'll have a devil child that is condemned. AND I might be completely blowing this out of proportion (because I actually haven't ever talked to anyone about our options and how they would feel about it) but based on how I was raised, I feel like it would be an issue....

So, I bet you're thinking..."What are you going to say if they ask you HOW you got pregnant?" Can I literally give them the big, fat FINGER and say none of your business? Nope...guess I'm going to have to have a script ready of, "Well, we decided to get a second opinion at a fertility clinic and they actually helped us...and BOOM, here we are...baby."

OK, so I might be being a little harsh....but, this is a constant fear in my CRAZY BRAIN. I want to be normal. I don't want to have to explain everything to people and hear their crazy, stupid opinions on IVF/Donor Eggs/Infertility. When people don't know details, what you're going through or the truth behind anything, they have no right to judge, give advice or ask you personal questions they don't deserve the answers to. AND it shouldn't matter, AT ALL. It should not matter how we got pregnant, it should not matter if this baby is biologically mine, it should not matter because NO MATTER WHAT, I am the mother and hubby is the father. I'm going to carry this child inside of my body for 9 months and feed/nourish it with my blood, then I'm going to go through a delivery like any other normal person would do and pop out a baby. 

To end my rant, I know I'm not the "normal" person but I'm trying to get as close as possible to that as possible. So, don't judge. Don't ask. Don't ponder. Be happy. Be thankful. Be congratulatory. Like any other "normal" person who gets pregnant and has a child, be supportive. You never know what people are going through and how they got to where they are. Be kind. Give love and be thankful for all you have and everything you've overcome to get this far in your life.

Tuesday

 

For those of you that follow my blog, or know what's going on, you're probably waiting and anticipating an update being it's Tuesday. Looking back at my last post, a lot of things have happened in the last week and Monday was the day we needed to give our decision on whether or not to move forward with the donor match the clinic had given us last week.

Well, Monday has come and gone. We still haven't made a decision. We still haven't figured out how we're going to pay for this. We still haven't decided what we're going to do. The only thing we did do was ask for an extension on our deadline. We get one more week to make this life changing decision...to have all our ducks in a row. To know how we're going to pay for our baby. Good Lord. I think I'm going crazy.

The good thing was that for the 4th of July holiday, we had to drive 7 hours north to my home town and I could lock my husband in the car and actually have a conversation without someone leaving to do this or that or being distracted by the television, dogs, neighbors, etc. I know, it's pathetic, but that's how life is...that is what it takes to settle down for a moment and talk about something big. Hubby is an engineer who hates confrontation, so I know how to get done what needs to be done even if it requires locking him somewhere to "force chat."

That being said, we knew we would have to take out a loan for baby...it's something we accepted a long time ago. We weren't going to ask anyone for money because we didn't want half of the people to know the "specifics" of what's actually going on with our baby struggles. We haven't moved forward with anything or financing options because these type of things don't just happen...they are a ways in the future and with all the changes and updates and crap at the clinic, we didn't think they would call for months. It wasn't REAL yet...Well, now it's real and we don't have ANYTHING figured out.

The clinic gave us some recommendations on where to go to get financing, the people that help with the program we're in so we basically don't have to do a single thing other than pay the bills. We looked into that option and of course it was like pulling teeth. At first, we didn't put in the right information, so we didn't get the results we needed...I had to sit on the phone with the company for a long time trying to figure out what went wrong and why we didn't get approved for the amount requested, etc. THEN, we finally got it and resubmitted the details...got the amount of money we needed approved, but the interest rates were insane. Hubby was not happy with the results so he is bound and determined to go elsewhere to get better outcomes...he's actually heading to the credit union this afternoon to see what they have to offer. IF we go this way, the credit union would basically send us a cashier's check and we would be responsible for getting the money to the right people and not SCREWING UP. *eek* I'm good at screwing things up...

So, we'll wait to see what they say AND then move forward *fingers crossed* hopefully. If for whatever reason, we can't nail down financing, this whole process/journey will be a bust and we'll be instead buying a new house and more dogs and retiring early to travel the world....sometimes I just want to throw in the towel.