Day 1 (February 18, 2016)

As soon as I had my bleed, I went back into the clinic to have my base ultrasound done for my the start of our official FET. I couldn't believe it, I wanted time to move so quickly and jump ahead to Day 14, Day 21, etc. But, unfortunately, that's not how life works...and patience is a virtue.
So, again, I was called back, got nakey and probed for the beginning of the REAL CYCLE. My lining was good and low...we got the go to start up the injections and get things done. I couldn't believe this was happening but in the back of my head, I was still having doubts, concerns, worries...my lining worked a couple times before and then it just decided to stop doing what it was supposed to. What would I do if it decided to do that again?? But, come back to the real world, Joy...seriously, I can't control everything...breathe.

My next visit would be on Day 14....this is when they would check my lining to make sure it's still good and then proceed with the next steps. No one would give me many details on what would happen...they kept saying, "Let's just get to Day 14 and go from there." So, I just agreed, put a big smile on my face and faced the day! I also added some more holistic help from Miss N to calm my nerves....nothing like some needles to ease my stress!

Vday

As you know, I started injectable estrace...it wasn't bad at all and became a routine. I even traveled to AZ to see my bestie and it all went just fine, she even helped with the shot (she's a PT, so her medical background was an added benefit :)). The doc wanted me to come back in on Day 14 to check my lining with this new protocol. Again, I was so nervous...but, tried to stay calm and just breathe. I went back into the clinic the day before my 30th birthday, February 1st. I checked in, sat down....same old, same old. When the ultra sound tech called me back, I walked into the room and she went to go get a nurse. I stripped down, got on the table, and covered the goods with the pressed, white sanitized bed sheet. The tech and a nurse came back in the room, thankfully it was Theresa...the nurse who actually tried and cared about what was going on.

They stuck that lovely stick up my vajayjay and I didn't want to look at the screen, but I did (of course). As she was measuring...the mm's kept going up and up...4mm, 5mm, 6mm.....7mm.....7.4MM!!! My lining was at 7.4MM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Both the tech and Theresa said, "WELL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

7.4MM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I couldn't believe it...I cried. I asked what does this mean?? What's happening next?? What is going on??? They told me that the injections were working and now the doctor would have to review everything to determine the next steps. I asked myself, could we do a transfer next week???? So, I went back to work and waited. I waited for the call, I waited for the next steps. I couldn't believe it...I was so relieved that we didn't switch clinics, that we didn't doubt our doctors, that we just kept moving...and didn't give up.

Theresa called that afternoon and told me that Dr. C would like me to have a bleed and start up again on the injections. They want to actually do my frozen embryo transfer next month!! Honestly, I was hoping they would've told me that I could start my PIO Shots right away and do the transfer next week, but next month will be just A-OK!

So, I followed their protocol....stopped the meds and had a bleed. But, we went out for Valentine's Day like it was our last hooooo-rah! We went downtown, had a fancy dinner, rented a hotel room and had a little staycation! Best. VDAY. EVER.

January - Dreaded Injectables

January was the beginning of my new medicine regiment...the circles were drawn on my rear like a lovely bullseye and I was re-taught how to do injectable medicine. The doc said to do these shots twice a week...Wednesdays and Sundays. Alternate sides so there isn't soreness and use the muscle afterwards...so basically, don't sit on your bum like a bump on a log.

After the research and trying to determine whether or not we should transfer clinics, we decided to stay where we were. It was putting even more stress on my shoulders worrying about leaving and finding a new doc, clinic, monies, etc. So, here we are....

When we were initially told/taught how to do these shots, my hubby seemed excited and in control. (I know, so sadistic! HA.) But, when it actually came down to it, he was nervous. He told me he didn't want to hurt me. I tried to reassure him that he wouldn't hurt me (and even if it did, I couldn't let him know). So, I drew up the first shot and stuck it in my bra...being the medicine is in oil, my lovely friend Risa suggested to warm it up beforehand to help it go in better. It's like coconut oil, if it cools off, it gets hard...but, if you warm it up, it becomes nice and runny. So, I stuck the shot in my bra for a good hour to help with the temperature. About 20-60 minutes before we did the shot, depending on the day.

It was also suggested to me to heat the injection site before doing the actual shot...so, As a gift, I received a rice sock from Miss N for Christmas. Do you know what those are? People use these for sore muscles, etc....see below:


So, I heated this baby up and put it right on my rear...after it cooled down, hubby and I went upstairs to do our first injection. We went into the spare bedroom so we didn't have to associate this lovely stuff with our sex life in our own room. He cleaned the injection site, took the shot and darted it in...funny thing, I didn't even feel it. I was so fricken worked up and I literally asked him, "Did you do it yet?" while proceeding to turn my neck and see that the need was totally in my bum! I turned around and was like, "I guess so..." It was ridiculous, I mean...I was so hyped up and it wasn't bad at all. NOT AT ALL. Maybe, it helps to have some extra fluff on your bum? I hear so many people complaining about pain and knots and how it hurts so bad. But, not over here...knock on wood, maybe that'll change...but it wasn't bad. at. all.

We were excited...I felt like things were changing and now, we were on the "right" path...our path. I even text Risa and let her know how much it didn't suck! Ha!

Onward!

December - Give Up on Giving Up

Well, we reached out to the clinic and asked to start up again with getting us prego. After my little sabbatical and baby blues episode, I decided to not give up. I'm giving up on giving up...I literally have a shirt that says that. When being a mom and having a child and making a family is constantly on my mind, day and night...I can't just throw in the towel.



The doctors put me back on the regiment of oral estrace and wanted to do a mock cycle in order to build up my lining. Gradually build up my dosage, day by day...2mg for a couple days, then 4mg, then 6mg. Day one came and went like all the other tries....on Day 14, I went in and had an ultrasound to figure out what the status was....by this point, I was on 6mg of estrace for about 3 days. My lining was at 6mm! This was the highest it had been in some time...so, Dr. C said to let it go one more week, taking the estrace at 6mg, and re-check. On day 21, I came back in and found out that instead of my lining getting better...it got worse. It was down to 4mm with fluid...I was so bummed out and upset...I didn't even know what to think. I cried. It's supposed to get better as time progresses and mine went the complete opposite way. And to make matters worse, I had a stupid nurse who was just awful and didn't know what to say or what to do...I found this to be a recurring theme. I'll have a great nurse, one who specializes in IVF/FET/Donor Cycles and then I'll get a crap nurse who doesn't even seem to know how to read or tie her own shoes. They don't know my files, they don't know my history, they don't know ME....so, when I thought the world was ending, she basically confirmed it, yet again. But, anyway...the nurse (I can't even remember her name, or choose not to) told me to go back to work and the doctor would call me later that afternoon.

When I received the call that afternoon, it wasn't from the doctor. It was from yet another nurse, this time it was Theresa...I've had her before and she was just a dear, so I had a little sigh of relief. I feel like I haven't seen or talked to my doc in years, but hopefully they communicate to one another accurately. They wanted to change my protocol and switch me over to an injectable estrogen called estradiol valerate.  So, they wanted me to have a bleed and then start up on these new injections....twice a week, in my bum. Theresa said to call in when I had my period and we'd do a baseline ultrasound just to verify my lining starting point, draw on my "targets" or injection circles, and reteach me on home to do the injectable medicine.



I was so upset...I don't know how to explain it...I basically called M and asked about transferring clinics, how to do it, getting a second opinion from her main doc, determining whether or not Attain would transfer out, etc. We basically had one week to decide...before I had to start my new injectables.



Exciting...I was already scared for the progesterone shots I would eventually need to start before a transfer...and now, I get to start a different shot on top of that AND try to figure out if I should just change clinics and start over. Lovely. But, we're not giving up...there are always options.

Baby Blues

Baby blues.

These blues have crept into my thoughts over the last few weeks and are continuing to get heavier and heavier on my mind. My heart yearns to carry a baby and go through the process again until the end goals are reached. However, there is a huge fear in my heart, that we will keep trying and what I want will not be had.

My friends are expecting and planning their futures with their upcoming bundles of joy and I want it so bad. I want to experience everything they are and more. I want to buy little onesies and be showered with baby goodies. I want to go shopping for car seats and cribs. I want to redo the rooms in our house to accommodate another life. I want to search for a daycare provider and read all the parenting books known to man. I do not doubt that I will one day but I want it now and now is not our time yet.

I was born to be a mom. It comes so naturally to me to caress and care for a child. To tend to needs and comfort them in times of sorrow. I need to look outside of the box at all the options and accept that if this donor egg process isn't successful, I can still be a mom and maybe that is why it comes so easily for me....because God knows what his plans are for me and my plans may not be the right plans. I'm not trying to be negative, but I need to be realistic. When I stop stressing and not planning, things should hopefully fall into a better place.

With that being said, I still put off myself...in this time of recuperation and rest, I still didn't tend to my body and overall well being. I did the exact opposite. I rebelled. I mistreated my body with gluttonous eating and drinking to drown out my sorrows. I know that this body can not handle a baby until it is in better shape and stronger than ever, both physically and mentally. There is no more excuses for putting off what is required.

This sabbatical is complete. Baby blues need to retreat.

Sabbatical.

Sabbatical or a sabbatical (from Latin: sabbaticus, from Greek: sabbatikos (σαββατικός), from Hebrew: shabbat (שבת) (i.e., Sabbath), literally a "ceasing") is a rest from work, or a break, often lasting from two months to a year. (per Wikipedia)

This is where we are. 

I was told to touch base with the doctor after I had a "bleed." Well, lovely Aunt Flow never showed up...so I reached out to the clinic last week regarding this and wondering why it didn't happen. They said based on my circumstances, I may not even have a visit from the lovely Auntie. They told me that the doctor is wanting to change things up and "Prime" my uterus for a few months before gauging the thickness of the lining again. He wanted to start us on more medicine Oct 1st and then take a 2-3 months to get the uterus ready and check the lining again. With a frozen transfer, you have more lenience on when you can do the actual transfer and Dr. C was more than optimistic that this would work. However, per my last post, I've been in a funk...a downward spiral of craziness and a barrel of other emotions that need to be dealt with. 

As you know, all things, including SH*T, hit the fan and it brought to the surface many other issues in my life that are unorganized and that are in need of fixing. So, we checked with the clinic regarding our ATTAIN program and how much time we have to complete the process along with any constraints that might interfere if we were to take a slight break to re-group and get in better, ready status. The clinic came back and let us know that we basically have 36-months to complete the program and as long as we stay on track and follow the doctor's recommendations in that time frame, there should be no issue if we take a break to relax and recoup. 

So, I am currently resting from work and taking a break...a sabbatical. I'm going to focus on my body and mind and take a break from meds until the first of the year. We have a couple trips planned and we're going to enjoy life for the time being with no worries. Hopefully, this will help me with the craziness and will prepare me to go through this again. 
  

Update.

Well, it's been a while...lots has happened and I'm not sure how in depth I'll go but wanted to provide those of you who follow this blog an update. 

On Labor day weekend, we found out that my lining was continuing to be sluggish however, we moved forward with the egg retrieval and fertilization. Since my lining wasn't cooperating, the plan was to watch the eggs after fertilization and check my lining again on Friday. Regardless, we would need to freeze everything because my body wasn't in line with the timeline. On Friday, I went back in again to get checked....again, no good news. This time there was fluid in my lining and there was still no change. This was more devastating news and I know many of you out there have been through far worse but the roller coaster ride has brought me so much joy and sadness and has taken a huge toll on my heart and body. I had so many questions and so much didn't make sense...I was angry, sad, curious, anxious, upset...you name it. 

We also found out that they were only able to retrieve 9 eggs from the donor. Out of the 9 eggs, four fertilized and of those four, three made it to the stage where they could freeze them for future implantation. This isn't the best news and doesn't give us much to work with in the future. 

But, after all the news, I've gone into a downward spiral of sadness, depression and questions of what I really want, what choices I have made and what I want in the future. I want a break. My body isn't ready and it may never be ready. I'm not physically or mentally ready or available for this process and just want some time off. This might sound selfish but if there are broken pieces in my life, I can't just put a band-aid over them and move forward by bringing a baby into this world. I need to address everything head on and figure stuff out. I need time to figure out how to love me and then, move on to the next steps of loving another person.

So, that is it for now...I'm not sure when I'll update again. BUT, thanks for checking in and when I know what's to come, I'll let you know.

Labor Day

Lets go back a day...Yesterday, they had me come back in to check my lining since the donor did her trigger shot on Saturday night. In the hopes that all would be good and we'd move forward, they wanted to double check to ensure the thickness was where they wanted it to be. Well, long story short...it wasn't where it was supposed to be. The nurse said it didn't move at all. Still stuck at 5 mm (like it was on Monday, earlier that week). I was in utter shock and disappointment, asking myself WHAT NOW? It didn't make any sense because they did a blood test too and my estrogen levels were higher and they are supposed to be directly correlated. So, I walked out of the clinic with questions, some I didn't even know I should've asked, and sadness thinking this was it. Everything was over. If my lining wouldn't get to where it needed to be, we couldn't put a baby in there. And at the appointment, no one told me otherwise...but, I didn't ask either. The nurse did tell me that I needed to continue to take my Estrace and patches but to NOT start my PIO shots. She said that Dr. C would call later that day to touch base on a plan. 

I kept it together until I got to the car and I just broke down...I bawled, I asked why? I realized how many darn roller coasters, ups and downs, were involved in this crazy process and asked myself if I could keep going, if that was even possible. I have never yet, felt so devastated and I walked away from the appointment angry and sad...just a few emotions to name. I was mad at my body and kept asking why it doesn't want to work right. I honestly shouldn't have gotten my hopes up because usually this is how life goes for me. As time passed, I cried, I tried to sleep, hubby held me while I sobbed, the dogs licked my tears...but then the nurse called for the doctor and told me that they want me to come in again on Friday to get rechecked. Since my estrogen levels rose and the trial I did before got me to where I needed to be, the doctor wasn't giving up hope yet and said I just might need some extra time. She said they were still doing the egg retrieval and hubby would still need to come in for his "sample." BUT, I was still confused...how would this work now? I need to do the PIO shots 6 days before a transfer and they didn't want me to start that but still want me to come in on Friday? I hung up the phone and told myself to "trust the process" but was still so out of it. 

So, now I'm frantically searching for natural tips on how to thicken my lining on my own (on top of the estrogen)...I went out and bought more vitamins E and B...I got some of that red raspberry leaf tea and pomegranate juice. I'm going to give it all I got on my own...because they didn't change a thing for me on the prescription side. But, M to the rescue...I called her to vent and ask her to help explain what was going on because I was so bewildered...Even though she doesn't work at the clinic any more, it doesn't take away her experience and technicalities. She literally talked me off the ledge and told me it was crazy to think this was the "END." She said this happens often and it doesn't mean things are done...there are many things they can do to get linings ready and mine is just being stubborn. Being the doctor didn't call himself and they didn't put me on any new meds, they are pretty confident that the lining just needs a little extra time. And if it's not ready, they will freeze the eggs and just do a frozen transfer as soon as my lining is at it's peak. She said this sometimes even works better because your lining is ready and you don't necessarily have the stress of matching cycles, etc. If my lining isn't where it needs to be Friday, they might just start over from scratch and see what happens. BUT, if it grew to where it needed to be before, it will again. This conversation put me at ease...somewhat. It helped me realize that this wasn't the end of the world and they would just tweak the plan as needed until they get to where we need to be. So, I need to have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. What needs to happen doesn't necessarily abide with my timeline and I just need to trust everything will be OK. 

Inspirational pep talk coming....(best video ever)

So, on a long holiday weekend, many people out there are probably enjoying time at the lake, out on a boat, picnics in the park with family or catching up on last minute things they want to get done around the house...but, we are making babies. That's somewhat funny to say...it's Labor day and we're making babies today. 

So...Can I take back my last post??

Well...Can I take back the post I wrote this morning? As I was at Target shopping away my frustration, I received a call from the clinic...surprisingly.

Of course, I back tracked and asked if I was doing something wrong or dropping the ball because I had called so much yesterday and today. But, it's what the packet said to do...so I just did it. She assured me all was fine and they were actually planning to call regardless because the donor is actually going to do her trigger shot today! She is triggering TODAY!! Hypothetically speaking and what history normally says with the clinic, that when the donor does her trigger, the transfer is seven days from that date!

They want me to come in tomorrow morning to do another ultra sound to check the lining...hopefully, the extra patches have helped and we are where we need to be. Egg retrieval is scheduled for MONDAY. Hubby is scheduled to go in that day and do his duty and then we wait!!!

I'll know more tomorrow...please say a prayer and keep your fingers and toes crossed that my lining is ready!

Day 19

It's day 19 and I'm very frustrated. This seems to be a recurring theme throughout this whole process. In my little booklet and per the nurses, I was supposed to call in on day 18 between 2 and 3PM to get an update and touch base. However, when I did that (on a Friday before Labor Day weekend), I got voicemail after voicemail, even though the clinic was open. I left messages and then sent my coordinator an email to find out she's on PTO until Tuesday...which is just lovely. I proceeded to call back to the clinic in the hopes to ask for someone else and found out that it was closed. Again, lovely.

So, we're going into a long holiday weekend not knowing what is happening. The coordinator did tell me earlier in the week that our donor was looking to get her trigger shot on the 6th instead of the 4th...so, if that is the case, that means it is tomorrow and apparently, I'm supposed to be doing stuff aka PIO shots once she gets her shot but I'm a little confused about how it'll all go down, let alone nervous about the shots.  

M suggested that I call the clinic early this morning to talk to someone about the status being they are required to have someone onsite all the time to deal with these things. You can't control the human body and regardless of whether or not it's the weekend or a holiday, baby making happens all the time. So, I called the clinic and someone answered the phone and immediately put me on hold..."That you for calling, please hold" -- I sat on hold for over 5 minutes and finally decided to hang up and call back 10 minutes later. Same thing happened, this time I was only on hold for a few minutes and the lady came on asking me what I needed. I tried to explain to her who I was looking for, that I had left messages the day prior and everyone is on vacation. She then asked me if I was on the donor list and looking for an update and I said NO, we're in the PROCESS and need to know what is going on and what we need to do because they told me to call and NO ONE IS AROUND. After a while of trying to explain this to the lady, I started to ask why no one would be there when this is extremely crucial information and times for people who are going through this and she assured me that there were nurses there to help with this process. I asked her if my donor does her trigger shot tomorrow, who is going to call me and let us know? Who is going to tell us what to do next because it's the weekend and to top it off, a holiday. She took down all my information and said someone would call me back....but, that was 2 hours ago, no one has called me back and it says the clinic is closed now. LOVELY. 

I'm just overwhelmed. My husband doesn't get it because he doesn't understand the specifics of how everything is intertwined. So, I just sit here and blog vent because I'm not sure what else to do...with something so serious, I don't understand why people blow it off or don't care as much as they should. Maybe I'm over reacting but I just want an update. I keep telling myself to trust the process and to believe that this is the "best" place to be and everything will be fine. But, with all the junk that keeps happening and the lack of communication, I'm not sure it is.