It's All About Who You Know...

Do you ever look back in life and wonder how you got to where you are? What did you have to overcome? Where you had to go to get to this point? What you had to do? I frequently think about this because everything in my life, well a lot of it, has happened because someone has helped me or because I knew someone who knew someone who knew someone. With my battle with cancer, we got into the world renowned clinic because my dad knew someone. With my bone marrow transplant, we got on the list and had a donor because we knew someone. With college, I got in because we knew someone (I mean, who would hire a cancer ridden child who hasn't attended high school for 2 years?) With my jobs after college, I was hired because I knew someone....The same goes for all this infertility stuff we're going through. The only reason we have gotten to where we are is because we know someone. The only reason we got into the Fertility Clinic is because we know someone. The only reason we got an appointment with Dr. C is because we know someone. The only reason we get discounts on procedures and meds is because we know someone (without which we wouldn't be going here because it's insanely expensive). The only reason we get "special" treatment is because we know someone.  

This is uncanny to me.

You need to know people to get anywhere in life. I honestly thank my lucky stars every day for where we were, where we have come, and where we will go...because without these "someone's" we'd be stuck, lost, or dead...perhaps?

Anyways...what I'm getting to is that I had a conversation with M recently. She actually called me because she wanted to tell me something but was very leery about giving too much information. Keep in mind...M works at the clinic, she is my step mother once removed and our "someone." Apparently, the other day at the clinic, she had to help with a few of the donor interviews because one of the coordinators that normally does this was out of the office. A specific person  came in to finish up her last round of screening to becoming a donor. She passed all the exams, tests, procedures with flying colors and M just had to give her the "OK" that she was in the system and on the list to help people like myself have a family to call their own. She explained to me the scenario and what happened...(I'm not sure what it was like there...but...) I pictured a white room with four white walls and gray linoleum floors...in the middle of the room was a black folding table with two black chairs, one at either end. The lady was sitting in one of the chairs with her smile and paperwork. M walked into the room and gasped, she was floored, stunned, and surprised. M explained to me that she sat down with this woman in awe. This woman was me. She looked like me, she looked like my aunt, she looked like my mom. She had my mannerisms, my charm, my spunk. She had my smile...bone structure...hair color. M told me she felt like she was in the room not with this lady, but with me. She said that she could barely keep her composure but knew she had to because this was her role...because the person who normally handled these matters was out, she had to take care of it because she was the boss. She was the nurse at that moment and not the step mother.

Now, we have an agreement in place that M can not see any of my records and is not supposed to access them. The doctors, nurses, techs, etc. can not tell her details, ask her questions, etc. about any of my treatment or statuses on anything. But, she swore to me that her heart told her this was our donor...this was our egg. She was being screened specifically for us, for me...for our baby. Unfortunately, we don't know if this is accurate or not. But, we are 4 months into the "process of waiting" and they told us it would take approximately 3-4 months to find the "ONE."

Now, you'd think I would be excited. I would be beaming and happy and smiling and thankful. But, I was honestly scared. I got weepy. Not from happiness but from worry...it put in perspective how close this really could be. How we could be pregnant within months. How we could be parents in months. How we weren't ready. How bad of shape our house was in, our dogs, our life...things are a mess. How could we bring a baby into this world with this chaos? PLUS, I didn't want M knowing who my donor was....too close to home.

But then, I was thankful...I was glad to have perspective. Most people going through this stuff don't know "someone." They are lost in the dark. They just standby waiting for something to happen. They can't call the Nurse Manager and be like "WTF?!?! Why haven't they called me? What is the status on this? When do we have to do that?" So, I'm thankful.

But, I'm scared....are we ready?