After my bout with cancer, I decided to go to college...nothing was going to hold me down...I was meant for more...if I could kick cancer's ass, I could change the world. They didn't think I'd be able to walk for some time after being hospitalized for two years, let alone go to college....4 hours away from home, away from my family, away from my security, away from the hospital...but, I did it and flew the nest.
That year, I met my future husband...I basically stalked him. I know...funny, right? It was freshman year, I was in a huge lecture hall with hundreds of students and this darn boy stuck out like a sore thumb. He had this bright blue shirt on and I tried to get the courage to introduce myself to him...but, it never happened...so, the next semester, I started my new classes and never thought I'd see him again...and he was sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. So, I'd watch him...I'd follow him. I knew where he lived in the dorms, I knew the people he hung out with, I saw where he ate, the sports he played...yea, kind of creepy.
One day, I finally stopped kicking his chair and walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and introduced myself. The rest was history...he found me on Facebook, we started eating together, sitting together during class, hanging out after class...fast forward 10 years... and we've been married for almost 3 years, have a house in the suburbs, drive a Cadillac, have two dogs, have stable and fulfilling job...but, unlike all of our friends, we don't have babies...we don't have a "family," we don't have the joys of many shoes by the door, of Christmas's waiting for Santa and Easter's searching for eggs...we have a hole in our hearts, or I do at least.
We are always asked, so when will you be having babies? Or why are you waiting? Or how come you don't have kids yet? Or all your friends have kids, why don't you? All I want to say is, BUTTTT OUT. But, I just put on my smiley face and say, "Oh...we're not ready." Or "We want to get some traveling in." Or "We like our alone time." Or DUMB EXCUSES except for the REAL reason. My husband and I went into our relationship knowing that we weren't going to have kids or be able to have kids. With my medical history, I threw it out there right away when we started dating...I said, "Hun, before you start to love me, you need to know that I may not EVER be able to have children, is that OK? Because if it isn't get out of my life and never look back."
He turned to me and said, "I would never NOT be with you because you aren't able to have children. I love you for you regardless of what comes with and I'm hear to get through anything with you as long as I have you." (**TEARS)
Well folks...that sealed the deal. 7 years later he proposed on the beaches of Maui and a year after that we were married. After a couple years of marriage, all was well, but I had still had that hole in my heart...I wanted a family, I wanted kids, I wanted to me a mom. We never really knew how this would happen or IF it would happen because I was told in 2007 by an awful doctor with NO bedside manner that I was infertile and would need to be put on birth control for the rest of my life to regulate my hormones. No explanations, just a phone call with bone chilling news and click. It was over. I remember dropping to my knees in the kitchen of the one bedroom apartment, sobbing until I was puking...who calls a 23 year old and tells them this in the way he did? ASS HOLE.
As most of you know, life goes on...and it did...but, one day I received a call from a "friend", a very close friend with another great story of how she was placed in my life (again...another day and time and we can get through that one). She said she was moving to the city because she got a new job...at a fertility clinic only 30 minutes from our house. She let me know that she decided to make the move because of.....ME. My story. My life. My hurdles. My struggles. She wanted to help people like me...those dealing with infertility, those with crazy medical backgrounds affecting their yearning for a family, those who have unexplained infertility...you name it. I was speechless. I couldn't believe it. After she had been working there a couple years, she reached out to us and said we should really stop by and visit with the team of highly accomplished professionals. She said they may have ideas or ways of getting around what they told me years ago and helping us create the family we have always wanted....
So, now...a new door had opened WAY at the end of the tunnel...we thought it was completely closed. But, there was this tiny ray of light visible...and why not check it out? Babies...OK!
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