Our First Time...

No, this post isn't about what you're thinking...this is about "Our First Time" visiting with the fertility clinic and doctors. In getting to this place in our lives, you know we've had many "first times." ;) But, if you read the post before, we have a very close "family" friend who has been working at the fertility clinic for a couple years and encouraged us to go in and meet with the best doctor they have...we'll call him, Dr. C. We got things set up and it turned out that our first time meeting with Dr. C. was the day after my 10 year Cancer-free, re-birthday. How crazy is this? I celebrate being 10 years cancer-free and the next day, we step foot, forward, in a new direction and new life.

I'm one of those people who believes everything happens for a reason and throughout my life, since I got sick...I've been holding back and scared to live my life. Afraid to make big decisions, living scared wondering "What if?" - thinking, "Well, I worked this hard to get this far...so why jeopardize my safety?" I kept telling myself that I need to make it past 1 year post transplant, then 5 years post transplant, then 7, 8, 9...but, now, we hit 10 years. TEN YEARS. CANCER-FREE. It's time to move on. It's time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and move the FRICK on. I don't need to forget what happened or take it for granted. I need to be aware and thankful on a daily basis but MOVE ON. Live my life. How CRAZY is it that I can finally stop looking behind and thinking of all the things that happened, that hindered my life and step forward into Dr. C's office for the next phase in my life?!?!

So, my husband and I went to our first appointment with Dr. C....we drove downtown during our lunches from work, parked in the parking ramp, and took the elevator to the 4th floor of this multi-business clinic facility to get checked in. I was nervous, my heart was beating outside of my chest. I was emotional beyond belief, thinking all these years that I would never have options and knowing that there may be some options available...honestly, scared me.

We stood in line, then stepped up to the plate when it was our turn. And, you guessed it, while she was asking our names and when our appointment was, I burst into tears. Not the dripping, no one can really tell I'm crying tears, but the SOBBING tears. The I'm REALLY crying tears. The everyone can hear you tears. The I must have lost a leg because I'm crying so hard snot is running from my nose and I'm starting to gag. My poor husband...he is standing there trying to soothe me. The poor receptionist...she is trying my make me feel better by saying, "Oh, this happens all the time..." MAN. I took a breather, gathered myself and then we got to it. Checked in. Fill out paperwork. You're good to go. OH, NO wait....they had to take our PICTURES!!!?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Did you not just see me sobbing, snotting and gagging about 2 minutes ago? NOT COOL.

After sitting in the waiting room for a little while, the doctor actually came back and called us into his office. It was a room fit for a king...it reminded me of the library from Beauty and the Beast...book shelves from the floor to the ceiling, a huge mahogany desk and this high back chairs with red fluffy cushions. It was all very inviting and comfortable. We sat down and talked the talk. Dr. C. wasn't too happy go lucky...very "let's get to business." Almost like he didn't know our story or what was going on so he had to be firm and concise to ensure that he didn't give us any false hope.

The first step was to talk through our/my history -- let's face it. My husband is perfect. He has never had a cavity, has never broken a bone, he never had to have braces, he grew up in a perfect little family in the suburbs. Never gets sick, never gets angry or scared. He has it all. If it was back in the era of Medieval times, he'd be a king and I'd be dead. This infertility stuff is all my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the one with the issues...But, anyways...they did a transvaginal ultrasound to take a look at my ovaries and did blood tests to see where all  my levels were at. Before Dr. C. could confirm what we've been told years before, he had to see it all for himself.

We got back to his office and he went through the results with us...the ultrasound showed that my ovaries were "Quiet." Basically, meaning they could not find a thing....due to the treatment I had while dealing with the cancer stuff, my ovaries were basically fried up and no longer viable/existent. Also, my blood tests came back and all the counts that were supposed to be low were high (BAD SIGN). So, he put it out there...there was less than a 1% chance I would ever be able to have a genetically related child. Even if my ovaries were able to produce eggs, the likelihood of them being viable or even OK to use was so low, it was barely a possibility. You'd think we would be in shock...but, we weren't. We knew this was happening, we knew there weren't any options... I was getting mad because WHY did we come in and go through this all again?? I mean, come on...we already knew this. I'm sure at this point, Dr. C could see it in our eyes..."Now what?" Do we just leave and go on doing what we've done? Do we actually have to pay for this appointment? Why are we still here?

Thinking he was about to let us go and say, Hasta Luego! He started talking about all this other stuff... I mean, stuff about us still having a child, carrying a baby, going through all the processes...and my husband and I were like...."HOLD THE PHONE. WHAT!?" Dr. C. said just because I don't have viable eggs, doesn't mean we can't have kids and start our family. Based on the ultrasound that was completed, my uterus was in tip top condition and Dr. C. wanted to do a 3 month trial to see if it would respond to medications to help grow the lining. Also, he wanted us to start meeting with the clinic psychologist to go some emotional help to "talk about what's happening." Plus, everyone who does anything with their clinic as to go to the psych. So...he got us all set up...gave me some spendy prescriptions and we started out journey down the path of "Does my uterus still work?"