I cry.

I cry. Somedays I just have to sob. Somedays I'm just weepy and anything could trigger a tear. I'm not sure why...it could be because we're going through all these fertility issues. It could be because I have self esteem issues that I can't seem to get over. Or, it could just be because I need to cry. Some blame it on the hormones, but lets face it...there isn't many. Some days everything bothers me. Some days I just want to scream. Some days I just hate the world. I ask myself, Why? Why me? Why us? We've done so much RIGHT, why can't we have a bone thrown over here? I get jealous. I get jealous alot. I get mad, I get angry. 

Going through this fertility stuff really makes me notice things I may not have noticed before...I'm so sensitive. Everything triggers a tear, an emotion, a reaction. I don't understand why some people, some families are burdened with so much sadness, loss, troubles and trials. It doesn't make sense...then the ones that are crap, the ones that don't care, the ones the do drugs, treat people badly, don't have a care in the world seem to get anything they want and need. It doesn't make sense. I'm not trying to make people feel bad, I just don't get it. Why is someone like me being punished...ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I had barbies and babydolls, I named them, I craddled them, I sang to them, I rocked them to sleep. All I ever dreamed of was having babies...but, nope. Not happening. I kicked cancer's butt to get this far in life, but now, I can't have babies. Dumb. So. DUMB. 

I remember a while back, a cousin of mine was going through highschool and some tough times. Turns out, she got knocked up at 15 by some dude she was dating and had the kid when she was 16. She had not one care in the world. The labor was under 2 hours long, easy as the breeze. She kept telling people how easy it was and why she didn't know people complained about all the issues and troubles it was to get pregnant and have kids. I just wanted to punch her. I wanted to yell at her and tell her she was awful and didn't get it and took everything for granted. I was so angry, so upset, so jealous of her "easy luck." I literally could not be in her presence because I was afraid of lashing out on this little girl. Well, truth be told...a year later, she got knocked up again, by a new guy and started her second bought of having a kid the "easy way." Well, she popped this one out just as easy as the first....and rubbed it in everyone's face again. Even her poor sister who was also struggling to have kids with her husband...sad. 

Again, not trying to be the bad guy here but it really sucks. Everytime you go online and see a "We're pregnant" annoucement, everytime you go to the store and walk past the baby aisle, everytime you go out and someone isn't drinking because they are prego. I just wish it could all be shut off....like if there was a huge master switch and when I don't want to see or hear that stuff, just flick it off. Buh-bye. Donezo. But, that's not how it works. So, I just cry.