After finding out my uterus was working, it was normal, it could build a lining and shed it like any normal person...I was excited. I was pumped. We sat with the doctor afterwards in awe...in shock. We had no clue this would work, let alone give us options. The doctor basically told us that because of the uterus results, we could move forward with having children. The only catch was being my ovaries didn't work or were not viable, we would need to use a donor egg with my husband's sperm. Was this a hard one to swallow? Yes. But, having the ability to carry a child, grow it with my own body and blood, and still have it be a part of me was huge. I do admit, it took a long time for me to even grasp that I was not able to have children of my own, ever. A good 8 or 9 years, I'd say. It was hard to think that I wouldn't be able to have a daughter that looked like me, just like my mom and I. No one would come up to me and say, "She must be yours, you like so similar!" I'd cry and cry and cry. It was hard for me to think that my husband would never have a son to teach and play sports with. It was super hard to never be able to know what my husband's genetic makeup and mine, together, would be like. Hard. But, now, we were stunned...we didn't really know what to do. The doc asked what are thoughts were and what we talked about for children in our marriage...we honestly said, "we don't know." We just always knew kids weren't an option, so it was never talked about it.
To get to the chase, I was ecstatic and my husband was freaked. I mean FREAKED out. It completely deflated my happy balloon within seconds. It was odd, he's usually so calm and level headed but this was really tough on him. It was almost easier for him to cope with not having kids then dealing with the ability to have kids but not have them with my genetic makeup. This opened up a whole new can of worms...he talked about IF he was going to have kids, he didn't want them until he was 30. Then he was upset because using someone else's eggs meant he was cheating on me and having sex with someone else. I told him he was really thinking too literally and that's when the doctor told us we needed to go in a talk with the psychologist. Dr. J. She would help us get to the next step...the next part of our lives and move forward. Because, in order to use a donor egg, you had to go through a psychological screening and process to let the clinic know you were ready and then get on a list and then give away thousands of dollars and then, and then and then...NO MORE "AND THEN!"
So, we started to see Dr. J. I have to admit, she was odd. But, my husband meshed well with her. She was one of those docs that was very...whimsical but yet, upfront and a little brash. But, she got my hubby to open up and that's hard for engineers...not sure if any of you are married to one or know one, but, they like their own little bubbles and think in a very yes/no kind of way...or at least mine does. After meeting with Dr. J a few times, I realized that I was 100% ready to move forward in this process but my husband wasn't. He never had the opportunity to cope, to grieve, to be angry, to get mad. I had. I did that for the past 8 years. I had to come to terms with letting him deal...giving him his space and time, not pushing the issues and getting the ball rolling. It was hard. Super hard. He told me how sad he was that he wouldn't be able to see me in our children. He was upset that our kids wouldn't have my laugh, my eyes, my characteristics. It brought me to tears. But, the good thing was that Dr. J smiled when he said these things and reassured us that the majority of what he's explaining...the laugher, the personality, the joy of life...those were all nurture...those were all learned behaviors that children get as they grow from their parents, grandparents, friends, etc.
After a couple meetings with the therapist, hubby and I got home and had a really bad blowout. I mean, a big one. We hardly ever fight, let alone have blowouts...if there is an issue, we usually can talk it out right away and get over it, move forward. Well, this time was different....Hubby was just stuck. His mind, his heart....everything was just sinking in quick sand. Everything we've tried so hard for, we've worked so hard for went down the shitter. He wanted to be done. He wanted to find a different way. He didn't want to use donor eggs. He wanted to believe there was hope elsewhere and a miracle would one day make my ovaries work and we'd have our own biological children. He was done. Done. There were tears, yelling, swearing...you name it. I've never been so angry...I wanted to set the house on fire. I wanted to run. I literally told him, "If you don't want to do this...I will do it on my own, without you." After that, things cooled down a little....we let everything rest. I told myself I need to let him grieve, let him cope...I needed to back off and just let him deal. So, we made up...we went to bed and I dropped it. We stopped going to counseling/therapy/psych sessions. We stopped talking about it. We stopped talking about kids. We started planning trips. I never brought anything up, ever...a month went by, then 2 months....3, 4, 5....6 months later and here we are, happy, hormone-less, no crazy moodswings or cycles. Life was good...but empty without a family. Oh, and we got a new dog.
So, I decided to bring it up...of course, in a non-chalant kind of way..."Wanna go see Dr. J again?" and he said, "Sure." So, we scheduled the appointment, we went to talk to Dr. J...and she cleared us. She said we were ready. She said Hubby was ready. She wanted to get us on the list. She wanted us to start the process, to get a family. Whoa...
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